Gnossienne No.4

Erik Satie playing in the background; sad melodies flowing in the air... Another year is ending, silently and slowly... Just like what has happened all throughout the year: waiting silently, losing slowly...

What is to remain at the very end is a little spoon full of hope. "Lick it and begin on a new one!" says an old man beside me. He has shiny brown eyes (but he says they're hazel), a white round beard and wrinkly face... I look at him and see my old age. Feeling lost I turn my head towards the screen and keep on writing. He grabs me on the shoulder and says: "Seriously, lick it and begin a new one! There's more to life than this..." I look at him once again, a shiny tear falls down my cheek and I keep on writing...

Ref. Erik Satie - Gnossienne No.4

In the Land of the Lions, Unicorns & Dragons

My hair's waving in the air, my nose and ears are in shades of scarlett red, my feet are long surrendered to cold and my skin is bitten by the freezing wind... But I am happy as hell... I am fascinated by the alternating bright lights, the brick walls, artistically carved stones, the statues, union jack flags, red buses, underground signs...

Then we enter a snack bar, grab some sandwiches and hot breakfast tea with milk. As I sat down behind the glass pane viewing the square, I feel the happiness and peace surrounding me. I look at the great plain square with the four big bronze lions and two artistically decorated fountains. In front of all that stands erect a high greek column with a statue of Nelson on top. Completing the marvellous view the magnificent building of the National Gallery takes place, so gracefully and so real...

The soft lights sparkling at the dusk are calling me into the very heart of this city. The chilly wind fills up my lungs with its essence. For a single moment I leave the life I own and conform with the idea of belonging to this misty city.

Then, I wish heartily to return to this city someday; not to visit once again but to return for good...

A Furious Writing

An old piece of writing I've recovered from the vault of my blog. It was written in a moment of fury. I never intended to publish it back then... Because I did not want the thing enraged me to gain some kind of a value with a published piece of writing. But now, I think it's time to release it, it does not help hiding anger somewhere deep inside anyway...


"I believe in a Divine Justice. A Justice that is to correct all mistakes made, give people what they deserve and judge them on what they really worth.

And I also believe that the biggest and the most unforgiveable sin that the Divine Justice shall never forgive is to break someone's heart...

I, myself have always tried hard not to break a single one. If I had, I am deeply, truly sorry for that.

Because of all that, I don't/won't forgive anyone that broke my heart recklessly! Never!"

October 20th, 2009

All The Tiredness

I have an unfinished novel in German on my bookshelf. I bought it months ago with an enthusiasm to read and revive my German. But, when I look at it now, all I see is dust on its cover and I realize my tiredness that hinder me even to reach and grab it.

I have coloured pastel pencils in my living room beside the easel that haven't been used for at least a year. I have new drawing projects to start, folders to be organised, bills to be payed... I still have hopes to be fulfilled...

But, amongst all these I feel terribly exhausted, gratuitously anxious, completely worn out...

Seasonal it must be... Or shall I say temporal? I am not quite sure of the type or the reason behind... Whether it's the result of current circumstances in my life or the cause lies deep inside me...
What I do notice is that everything around me somehow reminds me of the delayed plans, the lost hopes and all the tiredness I feel...

Now I notice the Spanish grammar book on the shelf. I bought it when I first beginned learning Italian. I was so eager to learn both that I tried to study them at the same time back then. I can't believe how energetic I was... Now, all I know is how empty the Spanish Grammar book seems to me; and how I failed to finish that German novel...

I have books everywhere, I have dreams amongst them, I have a bed I need to be in... A bed I never want to get out of... I guess what I should do is to take all those books and read them in it. And the dreams? They'll all reappear when I fall asleep...

Good night...

Norway

As a child fond of geography I remember shuffling through pages of geographical encyclopedias (yes, there was no internet back then!) but stopping at a very peculiar page amongst them. That was a page with a bright green-blue coloured photo of the fjords of Norway. I clearly recall the green mountainside meeting the dark blue ocean with an intricate shoreline. That was one of the most beautiful images I had ever seen back then. Ever since I dreamt about seeing the countryside and wild nature of Norway.


Recently, this time surfing through the internet (thanks to the development of technology!), I encountered several photos of Norway. Those four pictures instantly attract your attention and suck you into the fascinating nature. As soon as I saw them all I thought was to grab an anorak and winter boots and get on the next plane to Norway. The next thing to do would be to take a very long stroll on the lake shores and in the mountains. What a relief!



For those and many other images of Norway: http://lonelywolf2.deviantart.com/gallery/
Thanks for Lonelywolf2's brilliant work...

p.s. The image on the title of this blog is also from the same source.

The New Shoes

"Hey, I put some new shoes on,
And suddenly everything is right..." *

The lyrics of a pop-rock song. It seems that it hit the target for me. Yes, I do wanna put some new shoes on and suddenly feel everything's right! Maybe it's not the shoes but only myself to change in order to make everything right. Besides, the song's got nothing to do with my feelings, 'cause it literally talks about some new shoes. But to my perception, this pair of new shoes is the little miracle I expect to happen in a short while. I am not sure whether I should wait for this miracle; perhaps I should stick with my old shoes that were ripped around the seams... Anyway, I don't know how, don't know when; but I still do wait for it...

* Ref. The New Shoes - Paolo Nutini
from the album "These Streets" - 2006

On Leaves & Stays

Until now, I have been the one who leaves. I 've been the one to sail for new places, the one to adapt to new environments, the one that could never understand the feeling of being left behind. Perhaps now, for the first time, I am the one that stays after the leave of a loved one.

For all this time I believed that it is always harder for the one who leaves. Trying to fit into a new environment, dealing with the difficulties ahead, simply the strenousness of a changing life, all seemed to be quite harder than the stable environment of the one who stays.

However, life is not as easy as expected for the one who stays. Life goes on as it would like nothing had changed. But some little portions, some details begin to fade away gradually.

I could hardly comprehend how it feels when you stay behind and deal with the loss of the daily habits, routines created by the person that left. But now, I am beginning to feel the little voids that are formed within my daily life. As time progresses I know the voids will combine and form a larger gap. It is not the hardest thing to get used to this large gap. Because, you already knew it will form someday. The hardest is the moment when you realize the first little void for the very first time. Because it appears all of a sudden, or you would never expect to see an effect that much sooner, I don’t know why... But, I’m sure it hurts the most.

Flowers, Sandcastles, My Kite and a Ladybug

"Strawberry scented, musk mallow flavoured flowers blossom in my garden before the tempest...
The sea underneath tickles my feet; I have hopes of sandcastles. Even if they collapse, I’ll have lots of sand anyway...
My kite is shinier than a lollipop candy, and surprisingly quicker than expected from an A4 paper...
I opened my hand to let my ladybug breathe; and have the sun shine on her again...
Surely one fine day she'll be coming back to me..."


A translation of a little poem from the personal page of one of my friends*. I am really moved with its style, language and emotion. I feel almost the same nowadays...


*Ref. A. Serdaroglu - www.odtumezunlari.gen.tr Personal page

The Child Inside

I don’t know what caused exactly to feel like this, but I started to believe that something is dying inside me. It is not something, in fact, it is my “Child Inside”!

Everybody is familiar with the concept of the “child inside” and the happiness, liveliness, vividness it produces. For all my life I believed that this so-called “child” slowly dies as people grow up. But I was determined not to lose that child of mine. Surprisingly (or expectedly), I happened to realize that it was not the easiest thing to do. Because, life brings more responsibilities and obstacles with higher level of endurances as it progresses. Trying to cope with all these, somehow your child becomes neglected. ‘Cause it needs to be fed constantly with childish vivacity, joy and recklessness. However, with the increasing responsibilities it becomes impossible to keep those kinda feelings in your system. Therefore, you give up and agonizingly watch this child’s diminishing.

At first, I was strongly in denial of neglection of my child. I could never have behaved like that! I could never leave it unnourished or never let it feel unheeded. As soon as I realized the situation is about to worsen, I decided to do something for it. I had to grab my life from where I missed and return to the state where I was living happily with my child. But I couldn’t. I may never have tried hard enough, or maybe it was really challenging to leave all the commitments at hand. So I reluctantly let it go and watched the death slowly each passing day.

It is the rule of life; maybe (who knows) I need a very real, a very own child of mine after all. Maybe the time for taking care of myself by the help of a little child inside has gone forever. Now I’ve “finally” grown up and been one of those who “kills” his child inside.

I’ve given up questioning a while ago. Now I am not sure whether I stilll need to search for a child inside and try to save it, or not bother at all. Anyway, I guess it’s time to grab my beloved book “Mi Planta de Naranja Lima” once again and read it all over. If that doesn’t bring out and save the child, nothing’s ever will...

ref. Mi Planta de Naranja Lima - by José Mauro de Vasconcelos

Mercurial Weather and The Perfect Cure

The weather is quite mercurial today. Yesterday it rained a lot. Even now, little drops of rain are falling down occasionally. But, it seems as if it's gonna shine brightly in case the clouds make way.

The air is dense, lighting is dim, ambience is depressing...

I don't think my soul is any different from the weather nowadays...

But, I finally found the perfect cure for the ill mood of today: "Kings of Convenience"!

Cayman Islands, Know How, I Don't Know What I Can Save You From, Little Kids and finally Manhattan Skyline...

Soothing, comforting and relieving...

Not Ready

A man was walking home one evening when a stranger approached him and inquired about the location of a certain street. The man pointed out to the stranger and provided specific instructions. After readily understanding and accepting the instructions, the stranger began to walk in the opposite direction. The man said "You're headed in the wrong direction!". The stranger replied "Yes, I know. But, I'm not quite ready yet."

Pause

Pause!

A symbol with two vertical lines side to side...

Just push the button with that symbol, and your whole life pauses.

Everything around seizes its endless movement.

All the people stay still, all plans disappear for a moment, all worries fade away.

What a fantastic idea!

I desperately need that pause for the time being.

I want everything that bothers me to remain still for a certain duration...

...So that I would leave all aside; grab a pillow, a soft blanket and fit in the tiniest bed, curl up and doze off quietly.

That's all I desire now, just a little bit of silence, a serene feeling of muteness, a deep sleep...

But, in the end, it's a pause anyway; it's all gonna resume when I press the button once again...

Low

In times when you feel low:

Nothing really makes you happy;
The classical mottos like "Carpe Diem", "Live for the Moment" etc. do not work at all;
Your otherwise bright future suddenly seems to be in a big black haze;
A sad song like Robin Hackett's "Hard Left" expresses your mood most conveniently;
Even your loved ones' comfort does not make you feel relieved;
And repeating the known phrase "Everything's gonna be alright!" turns into a cliché...

But I guess, there's one thing to make you hold on to real life:
It is the belief to a certain destiny.
Your destiny that determines your way ahead, controlling even the smallest detail...
No matter what you do or how much you worry about the consequences.
The idea of a greater power somehow comforts you showing that some things are out of your control... And you did your best...

The Wings of Dreaming

I hate dreaming!

Although it is "supposed" to be an entertaining and nice activity, it brings about harsh consequences in the end. I know, because I have experienced enough of that.

Dreaming gives you a pair of wings. Wings that make you fly and take you as high as you desire. But, eventually, what is to follow is a sudden free fall, like an apple from a tree. However, the damage comes not only as bruising, as in the case of the apple, but also in dissappointment and depression as well.

That makes me remember the story of Ikaros, the son of the talented craftsman Daedalos. Daedalos, designs two pairs of wings made up of bird feathers attached with wax, both for himself and his son. Together they intend to fly and escape from Crete, where they were imprisoned. Before the journey, Daedalos reminds his son of the danger: he should not fly very high and get very close to the sun, since that melts the wax and the feathers could drift apart. His son promises to be careful. But, once he flew over the blue sea and glid in the bright sky, he wants to reach much higher. Unfortunately, as he rises in the sky, Ikaros's wings fall apart and he crashes right down to the Aeagean Sea and dies instantly.

That is not the same story, but it always reminds me of the case of dreaming. So tragic, and so real... Trying to reach a higher goal that is not possible, is something that's triggered by dreaming. I know I'm being too pessimistic about the whole case of dreaming. But, I would be lying if I say that I believe that "a person is nothing without his dreams" saying...

Maybe that's a phase that'll pass soon. But, for the time being I still hate dreaming!

Icarus & Daedalus

by Frederic Leighton, 1st Baron Leighton

ca 1869

Why Me?

Arthur Ashe, the legendary Wimbledon player was dying of AIDS which he got due to infected blood he received during a heart surgery in 1983. From world over, he received letters from his fans, one of which conveyed: "Why does God have to select you for such a bad disease?"

To this Arthur Ashe replied: In the world, over 50 million children start playing tennis, 5 million learn to play tennis, 500.000 of them learn professional tennis, 50.000 come to the circuit, 5.000 reach the grand slam, 50 reach Wimbledon, 4 to semi-finals, 2 to the finals. When I was holding the championship cup I never asked God "Why me?"... And today in pain I should not be asking God "Why me?"

Happiness makes someone nice; success makes glorious...

Hardships make tough; sorrow makes mature...

Defeat makes someone humble...

So, why say "God, why me?"

What is to happen, happens anyway...

So Close and Far Away

How surprisingly exciting life becomes when you realize the chances of a drastic change are so close and far away at the same instant...

Thankful For Breathing

An recent unexpected loss that I have been informed of has affected me a great deal. I get myself to thinking that how often I get tangled up with the daily problems of life. These kind of losses tell people to perk up and realize how important it is even to be able to breathe. Sometimes we take our lives for granted and live recklessly. I guess, a single moment is to be spared to thank for the miracle of being alive...