Wish Something From the New Year!

What do people wish from the upcoming new year?

Happiness, more money, love, joy, excitement or success are probably the wishes with the highest rankings. But I believe what is to be asked from a new year should be the capacity and ability to judge. To judge the last year you've gone through and analyse your mistakes and setbacks that hindered your desires or cancelled your plans. Too much technical a wish; but I believe that works out the best, at least for me now!...

Birthday With Tears

Two birthday celebrations this year...

Both beforehand...

Both with tears in the eyes...

One out of happiness, the other out of a mix of worry and sentiment...

But both creating warmth in my heart.

I had a different birthday wish this year, a specifically defined one.

We'll see if it comes true...

Religion and Politics

"When religion and politics travel in the same cart, riders believe nothing can stand in their way. Their movement becomes headlong - faster and faster and faster. They put aside all thought of obstacles and forget that a precipice does not show itself to the man in a bland rush until it's too late."

A 'Bene Geserit' Proverb

ref. From "Dune" by Frank Herbert

The Little Blue Diamond

A little piece of gem, a little blue diamond... It brightened up my whole day. It reminded me how little my worries worth... It reminded me how less I should care about the course the things going on in my life... It told me why I should leave all up to faith and let go with the flow...

Stray Dog

I saw a stray dog on the street as I was coming back home tonight. He was just beside my car standing on the sidewalk. A young black dog, his black fur and beige coloured legs covered in mud, wet all over. He was taking little steps and then stopping again in daze, certainly not walking. What he particularly did was to look at the people passing by in despair. His black eyes were following the people but then turning away and looking at a distant horizon; seemed like looking for something, or somewhere to go. Maybe he was searching a way home; maybe he was even looking for a home, someone to take him and look after. I felt a sullen mercy. I'd be lying if I say I didn't think to get him in the car for a moment.

What was so striking about that stray dog? That I cannot clearly explain. But, I guess it was the feeling it created in me. The feeling of being lost, the state of looking for a shelter; looking for someone to take me home, wash me, comb me, feed me up... Yes, I was that stray dog that was looking for a direction, a way home, a way to feel safe and sheltered, a way to a happy and bright future. That instant I desperately needed someone to take care of me, to show me the way...

I was that stray dog...

She's Mine But I'm Not Hers

I walked into my office after lunch today. I had kept the music playing as I left. When I entered, soft piano notes started to echo in the room. The melody took me into a melancholic ambience. Then the words began:

"There was a time when I was playing rough

But nowadays I take it sort of cool
Why do I feel this way
I don't wanna be alone
She's mine but I'm not hers"

It was Jay-Jay Johanson's song "She's Mine But I'm Not Hers" on a platonic love. It reminded me of the platonic loves I had. Though I'm not platonically in love with anyone at the moment I felt myself trapped in the sad story of the song. I can't imagine how I would feel if I had one...

And the song goes on:

"Everytime we meet it's wonderful
And though she only loves me as a friend
I always want to see her
But I hate to say goodbye
She's mine but I'm not hers

She's mine, she's mine
She's mine but I'm not hers..."

ref. "She's Mine But I'm Not Hers" by Jay-Jay Johanson

from the album "Tattoo" 1998

The Grave and The Rain

She kneeled beside the grave that was closed a couple of minutes ago. She touched the flowers on top. A few shiny tears fell from her cheeks onto the earth covering the grave. As she stood up and walked slowly towards the people waiting her, all she thought was how dry the earth was, how bare all around. On the way back as it started raining, the feeling of refreshment covered her soul. The earth would be much wetter and fresh then. But resentment stroke all of a sudden; the resentment of leaving her beloved father all alone getting wet under all that soil and dirt...

You're Still A Child

When do you realize that you're still a little child?

When you're with someone older than you?

When all the others make all the "mature talks" about life?

Or is it the time when you find yourself listening to the old pop songs feeling the beat inside and wanting to dance around crazily?

Or the time when everyone keeps giving you advices on life, choices, paths and desires??

The Dash

The dates of birth and death are always written on a gravestone with a dash in between. In fact, that little "dash" is what we call "life". Everything that is lived through, everything that passed by are summarised in that little sign.

So, for what we become happy, for what we cry or worry; we all steal something from the dashes: our lives...


p.s. Inspired by A.Serdaroglu's words

Let's Go Away

Let's go away from this place,
Go to a far far away land.
Should destroy everything behind,
And get them all new on the way
To build up once again
Right from the very start...

Let's have the best escape plan together
With no arrangements at all.
Our maps laid on the table,
Deciding where to head
With the pointing of our fingers
On the most random spots...

Let's pack our bags carelessly
Taking only useless things along,
Forgetting about all the photographs
And writings on the walls.
They'll come with us anyway
For our memories still linger on...

Let's leave this city
At the break of dawn.
The cool gale chilling us,
Dogs barking on the streets.
A tender feeling in our hearts
With shiny tears flowing on the cheeks...


To a beloved friend and to all escapes...

Happiness Is Never Grand

"... Actual happiness always looks pretty squalid in comparison with the over-compensations for misery. And, of course, stability isn't nearly so spectacular as instability. And being contented has none of the glamour of a good fight against misfortune, none of the picturesqueness of a struggle with temptation, or fatal overthrown by passion or doubt. Happiness is never grand."

ref. Brave New World - Aldous Huxley

Go / Went / Gone

I said goodbye to someone leaving last night.
He had two big pieces of luggage, a backpack and a laptop...
But, I believe his heart was not that loaded with the heavy burden of stability like mine...
I said "goodbye", he said "we'll see each other again"...
I left for home, he stayed sitting there at the bench.
Actually he was the one leaving, not me...

Now I'm waiting for another friend of mine to leave in a couple of months.
I don't think I will feel any different than I had yesterday.
He's gonna go away; I'm gonna stay.
And I'm gonna feel the bitter pain of standing where I am, where I was.

All I can think about right now is to leave, to go away.
Even without any luggage, without any money, without expectations...
And I keep repeating the verb conjugation: Go, Went, Gone...

Wish...

It's one of those moments that I dreadfully wish...
Wish that everyone I love to be near me...
Wish that noone leaves...
Wish that all will be better...
Wish I finally could have a decision...

Then I wish the first song to play in the media player to be the one I had in mind when I clicked it... Here it is, it is the one I wished for...

Wounds, Crusts & Scars

There comes the irresistable urge to peel the crust over the wound...

The crust: it seems very thick, dark, and strong on top of the wound. You always know that it is the indication of your wound's healing. One day it will just fall out by leaving no mark of the wound behind.

But, it starts to itch and burns inside. It provokes you to take it out. All you need is to find a crack on it and begin to peel it off slowly. With the peeling you realize how sensitive and fresh was the wound underneath. Then you realize that you have already known that before you attempted to peel. But, then it becomes too late to stop. You just need to finish what you started! You must take the whole crust out. Do it now! Do it, don't care about the pain and exposing the unhealed wound!

The crust is peeled... The wound is aching, becoming watery and even bleeding... You knew that it would be like that. You just couldn't resist...

Now, it's gonna leave a scar as well. A scar that carries the mark of your weakness. Your weakness to resist to temptation; your weakness to be patient...

The Day of Gratuitous Sorrows

Today is the day of gratuitous sorrows...
Today is the day to listen to sad songs with violins...
Today is an imaginary festival for all that's lost...

Just push play
And listen to the crying violin...
Imagine an unconscious man dancing in the water...
See how he floats, turns and moves...
A dark blue covering all the space around,
It gets darker still, as the man keeps dancing...

Have some regret today,
And a little resentment...
Because it's the day of gratuitous sorrows...
Close your eyes,
Feel the drowning man...
But, just realize in the end
"Everything is exactly the way it's meant to be"...
















The Picture by Janoosh :
http://janoosh.deviantart.com/art/Drowning-Man-62812677

Hiatus

Everything in my life seems to be in hiatus right now. Nothing new comes up, nothing changes... I believe I don't struggle now as much as I did in the past to survive and change direction. This silent state is slowly covering my days and nights. I just close my eyes and feel nothing at all.

It is indeed the pause I needed months ago. It's just come to me. Though not in the form I supposed it would be... It is much chaotic on the outside but that much placid on the inside.

I don't think it is one of those times when you keep on waiting for some specific event to happen and change the status to "currently active" from "hiatus". Actually this state does not involve hoping for such a thing to happen. It is the constant state that never indicates what's gonna happen in future...

However, I know it is temporary somehow. One of those periods to be passed through... Not necessarily be low or unpleasant; but only numb and without expectations...

The Chamber of Choices

The Chamber of Choices is always a round room. It never has corners or windows but has different number of doors. Because everyone has his/her own chamber of choices, the total number of doors changes according to the person. Some chambers have only two doors; some have numerous... But, the logic is always the same: "Entering the chamber from one door and leaving it through another".

For people whose chambers have only two doors, what to do is very easy. In fact, they get in from the entrance door, and upon entrance the only door they see is the other one. So, they do not get to decide and pass through the other door without any hesitation or regret.

It obviously becomes more and more complicated when the number of doors increases. For those who keep building doors in their chambers on and on again, the choice of exit turns into a kind of nightmare. Because the doors are only for one direction: once you leave the chamber from one door, you cannot get back and change decision. Since every door opens up to another chamber where there are other doors, one should choose wisely or suffer the consequences ahead.

What is really ironic about the chambers of choice is that you somehow have a very low chance of returning back to one of the previous chambers in time. However, the chamber being the same, the doors may have changed already. This once again makes the choices irreversible.

Some people have eyes open to the chamber of choice system. Some don't... Expectedly, the one's that cannot see the system are the same ones with two doors in each chamber. They either have no other choice in life to consider or they do not really care to build another door to create an alternative passage through the chamber. Does that situation really make them happy? In some cases, they are happy, indeed. But, once they discover a discontent about the "two-doors" situation, they either start building doors or go on passing through the doors to other chambers to desperately seek a chamber with multiple doors.

For the other type, the ones that have multi-doored chambers, the situation is quite different. Since those people have made habit of building doors to their chambers, they really can't get out of even sometimes from a single chamber. Everywhere they look, they see another door. And each door is in a different shape and style demonstrating their lead to different paths. Determined people in life know their style of door most of the time. So, if they knew that they are into large steel doors, they go with the large steel one always. Because they know what is behind it and what good will it bring to them. On the other hand, the flighty and indecisive ones always suffer during the choice of doors.

One thing to keep in mind for the chambers is not to have regret after opening a door. Because once you pass through it, you may not see it again. Therefore, regretting about the choice becomes worthless. Each chamber entered should be a brand new one with new things to choose and new past choices to forget...

The Fire Exit Sign

I desperately looked for the fire exit sign...

There was heavy smoke all around, all the files and folders were on fire... The bitter smell of burning plastic and wood mixed up in the air and blocked my lungs. There was nothing to see but only the walls to touch and find the way into the dark corridors. I tried to look around and see where I was, I tried to find an opening, like a window or door to take my head out. There was none. I rushed to the end of the corridor to get out through the fire exit. I desperately looked for the fire exit sign... But it wasn't visible, the sign was not lit. Because there was no electricity that day... And there was no fire at all... It was all just the heavy smoke of mind surrounding the deepest corners of my soul, trapping me in my office room.

I desperately looked for the fire exit sign once again... It was just in front of me and it was brightly lit... Damn, I still couldn't go out!...

Heart and Mind

It's one of those moments when I listen to Duncan Sheik again... Leads me into a world of fantasy... I am listening to what my heart says, in contrast with what my mind suggests... But it is always the sweeter words from the heart, aren't they? Your heart always tells you the easier to do, your mind leads to the path of thorns... At least mine have always done that. And I kept following what my mind has told me. But this time, for the first time in my life, I am tempted to do what my heart says... So in hesitation, so afraid but so willing...

Love Me For What I Am

"Love me for what i am" she said...
"Accept me with all my faults and dreams;
Don't try to change me just to make it please you...
I am what I want to be..."

" Love for what I am" he said...
"Just love me forever, that's all I want!"
"Accept me with all my choices, just don't disregard me"
"I am trying to be what others want me to be..."

The Local Transit Boat

Heart is like the local transit boat... It is always long departed before you realize you've left your cell phone in, buy another token and pass through the turnstiles once again...

Branches

Climbing a tree is interesting. You start with the largest and strongest branches... You hold the one at the bottom, pull yourself up and get on it. You always know the lowest braches are certainly comfortable and stable. They provide you with the feeling of security. But most of the time, most people look up and see higher branches. Those braches, though weaker and riskier, are always more tempting. Maybe because they are higher or more exciting, they keep constantly calling you up. You may listen to those voices and climb upper and upper... Sometimes you break some branches on the way up, sometimes you ignore them recklessly. When you reach the top, you shockingly realize that you are holding on to one of the tiniest braches, a twig perhaps, which will break eventually...

Are You Feeling Better Now?

...And the world may be long for you
But it'll never belong to you
But on a motorbike
When all the city lights
Blind your eyes tonight
Are you feeling better now?...

ref. Decemberists - Grace Cathedral Hill
(from the Album "Castaways and Cutouts")

Life In Slow Motion

Today, on my way back home from work, my car seemed to be going quite slow. Then I noticed the birds flying very slowly as well. I could distinguish the movement of their wings as they fly. Suddenly everything seemed to move in the slowest way possible. The road was never ending, people were moving in a slow motion, the traffic was flowing in the most peaceful way. Life resembled a short movie where everyone and everything tried not to create any kind of motion at all. My blood circulated slower in my body, my thoughts quietly disappeared. All that left was the sound of the music...

Life was in slow motion; but this time I never wished it to be hastier or livelier. I surrendered to the hermit inside. I felt the sweet taste of peace, the everlasting joy of isolation... The world was much brighter, the colours paler and the silence was integral...

Know Thyself!

Is there any proper way to understand yourself in deep?

Is there a chance to discover your true inner self and comprehend the source of your feelings and thoughts?

Is it possible to reveal your mind and make peace with the consequences?

I wonder how long I've been trying to discover inner true self. The other self than I show to the outside world. Much more fragile maybe, less stubborn or much determined... And I really don't know if there's any easier way to get to know yourself. Maybe it's never possible to understand what you are made of, why you really do the things you do... The desires, the unexplainable decisions, the unbearable burden of keeping things to yourself...

Perceptions

A couple of days ago I passed through a one way street with my car. Though I had passed through it many times before, I was surprised this time. It was the street where I had been before, many years ago, maybe when I was eleven...

The street seemed quite ordinary to me: two-three lanes, one way, parked cars on one side and etc. But, then I remembered how big it seemed to me years ago, like some boulevard instead of an ordinary street... Maybe it was because in car that the street seemed smaller; or it was because I was a child that the street had seemed larger. Anyway, it eventually reminded me the rule of perception. The physical conditions, emotions and passing years interfere with our perceptions of the environment and the events around.

Perhaps, years later the places I go, the things I do and the emotions I feel now will create different sensations in me.

This is nothing of an invention, I know, but I just wanted to share how empty I felt when I realized the ever changing perceptions of my mind. And, there's one other thing: I just wanted to remember one dear person to me, who will always be reminded me by that street... He's no longer alive now... May God rest his soul in peace...