The Return

It happened.

For the first time in the last couple of years, I returned home happily.

Recalling all those returns when my head was resting on the little window of the plane, looking hopelessly to all the lights and glitter disappearing underneath and sighing... Thinking about what I have been missing and how I have been losing all my days among grey buildings and silent puppets... Regretting every opportunity lost, every risk not taken in hesitation...

For the first time in years, I was relieved to get back home. Not at all fascinated by the lights, nor worried about distancing from the glamorous life...

Not that it is all perfectly planned now, nor I feel much secure or determined. But it's something else, more than I can explain... More of a teenager feeling - that I'm not used to - or of an excitement of heart trembling out of joy.

The touch of a hand, the tenderness of a kiss, the shine on a small teardrop... 
Momentary but soothing...
Hushing and putting me to sleep...

Story

I believe there are some moments in life which make you feel everything's in order. At these moments you don't have to worry about what's gonna happen next, or how things will eventually turn up in the end. It is kind of a relief not to know how "your story" will finish then.

...And that makes you feel positive towards everything that come across your way. The wisest thing to do simply becomes just waiting and letting time pass peacefully.

Then I feel "my story" will go on forever, as if it's never gonna end. All that will happen along the course of it will be so important to remember, or so trivial to care about at the same time. Because all that matters will be the course itself; the course that takes you from one point to another...

Hands Towards Heaven

I left my dream in a hotel room drawer;
I sailed my hope to the sea in a paper boat made of two sheets;
I painted my memories in my own colour to the streets I passed and walls I touched ...
One day, if I find that drawer empty in that hotel room,
If the sea doesn't bring my paper boat back,
Or if the streets and walls are all paintless when I return,
Does it matter?

When my hands are towards heaven,
My forehead on the bar counter,
We are so strong that we can blow off all the roofs,
Ended up in Heaven
Where angels cry
And all is forgiven...

When my hands are up in the air,
Already drunk,
And life is meaningless,
Who cares?...

The night is so beautiful,
You are like the night
And I am a winner again...

Point of Fulcrum

"There comes a time in each life like a point of fulcrum. At that time you must accept yourself. It is not any more what you will become. It is what you are and always will be."

from "The Magus" by John Fowles (1966)

Destiny Is Hard To Predict

"Destiny is hard to predict"...

That was a message displayed on my phone screen. I didn't care much until I really figured it out once thing's got little bit more solid.

The other day I was being defined as either of the following: "my patient", "my friend", "my date" and "my destiny"...

One day you desperately look for a way out through boredom and find a better way for your life to follow. The next day it's much easier to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Shall I call this the effect of destiny?

The Moss

Even though you know that a new era is about to begin, you feel the remains of yesterday still clinging onto you.

It's like walking out of the water from a mossy lake covered in moss sticking to your body. You can't get rid of the moss how hard you try to scrub it out of your body. The sticky touch of the plants, the slicky feeling it creates on your skin, the sensation of the dirtiness.... This makes you want to go back in the water and clean yourself with a deep dive. But, you know it quite well that the lake is not your home. A deep dive would take you further down to a world that would drown you eventually. Nevertheless, you sense that you will dry out in the sun if you go out to earth as well.

So, let the moss cling to you for now. Let the slick touch stay on your skin... For you will never get out that sticky, slicky sensation even if all the moss dries out and falls apart...

Life Is Full Of Surprises #2

It is a universal truth indeed: Life is full of surprises...

Life simply says: "You can make plans, construct your own order and organization; but don't you ever forget that I will always keep bringing out new surprises to ruin your plans, collapse your order and organization or maybe make you smile or astonished any moment in time".

This is the genuine pattern of life itself. It is what we meant to learn at the end of the day: "Do your best and leave the rest"...

Sputnik

"Do you know what 'Sputnik' means in Russian? 'Travelling Companion'. I looked it up in a dictionary not long ago. Kind of a strange coincidence if you think about it. I wonder why the Russians gave their satellite that strange name. It's just a poor little lump of metal, spinning around the Earth."

* * * * * * *

"And it came to me then. That we were wonderful travelling companions, but in the end no more than lonely lumps of metal on their own separate orbits. From far off they look like beautiful shooting stars, but in reality they're nothing more than prisons, where each of us is locked up alone, going nowhere. When the orbits of these two satellites of ours happened to cross paths, we could be together. Maybe even open our hearts to each other. But that was only for the briefest moment. In the next instant we'd be in absolute solitude. Until we burned up and became nothing."

from Haruki Murakami's "The Sputnik Sweetheart" (1999)

Floating...

In fact, there are such times in life when you completely lose all perception of time and place and be able to pull yourself away from the "real life" routine. Since I discovered that, I have been cherishing these moments and letting go of myself. And the rest is just floating...

The Rain and the Pool

There's rain in Ankara this morning...

Like the famous song of MFO:

"There's rain in Istanbul this morning

My eyes are filled with tears, I don't know why

As innocent as listening to mom's advice

I cried this morning"

The rain is there outside but it fills me with tears inside. It seems there's a huge pool of tears now in me. And, I want to drown my regrets and hesitations in there.

Then I remember my insincerity (even hypocrisy). I decide to drown it in that pool as well - as soon as I grab it from the neck...

The Flimsy & Crazy Heart

The heart is flimsy in times.
It is easily affected upon a new encounter,
Easily impressed, bounded by emotion,
Cannot know what to do when it's love that it sees, or passion, or excitement,
Sometimes, even cannot distinguish one from the other.


The heart is crazy in times,
Knows love's so delicate to handle, but still strives for more, still hastens,
Beats like the hummingbird's wings move,
Flies so high, dives in too deep,
Crashes into walls, falls on the ground,
Is smashed into pieces in the end...


But, never gives up till the next encounter.

The Gaze

I follow corridors full of bodies and faces. I push and slide. Darkness covers some faces, some are much easily visible. Colourful lights dance on the crowd. Pink ears, yellow noses, purple hair, green skins; all combined into one huge circus. I feel the gazes directed towards my back, or see the looks right in front of me.


I keep turning and turning around, just one song comes to mind: "I'm spinning around / Move outta my way / I know you're feeling me / 'cause you like it like this". In fact, I like it like that!


As I am about to leave, there it is: right in front me, blocking my way... That gaze, straight into my eyes - my soul indeed - without moving away from me. And it takes a couple of seconds only, actually, seems to last a couple of hours... I feel stunned though my body loses its weight and begins ascending... 


Soon ends the moment, and we both walk away from each other...


However, this is not the end, but just the beginning...

Empathy

It was just one of those times that life seemed to be playing a little game with me...


I was right there, listening attentively, when the ultimate confession came. Then a suave smile appeared on my face, followed by the look meaning: "I knew it!". Right after that, I felt the little incision on my skin, immediately followed by the ache penetrating my body inch by inch. The pain had already captured my body when the confession got more intense. 


As the words came out, I felt the same familiar feeling inside. It was unexplainably fascinating to understand the person right in front of you that clearly, that exactly. But it was possible at the same time; I was in the same shoes long before. The same experience, the same hesitancy, the same dilemma along with the same curiosity and excitement.


It was a small rabbit in front of a hole in the ground, hesitating to enter and worried about never getting back on surface, but curious to know what's inside, and it'll never be completely satisfied unless it gets in. I knew that rabbit; I knew it very well, indeed.


I told my story... It was self nourishing as it was pragmatic. But it the end I could not still believe how shocking it was to find out that there is one other person that experiences exactly the same that I've gone through. It was interesting to realize how I could utterly and truly feel what the other feels. How unexpectedly sentimental and heartbreaking...

Paradoxical

There are such rare emotions you would experience in life.

The blurred image you have with tears in your eyes looking straight in to the eyes of that someone special in your most defenseless mood... At that moment, there is no strife, but only unison and love... When all ends and what remains is the memories, your eyes will be filled with tears once again remembering that very moment.

It's paradoxical.

Deceiving is Believing

It happened again. The same feeling of excitement, the same recurring heartbeat, even with the same intensity. As if I had never overcome that!

"Deceiving is believing" they say.

Deceive yourself to believe. Imagine what you're craving for; and here it is, right in front of you. Ignore some looks, trim out some words from the script, put new meanings into the smiles, the eyes and the voices...

But be careful, for it may not last as long as you suppose it would!

The Looks of Love

Love always comes in different looks:

Sometimes it's in the pure pale skin and full lips that never let you break your shell outside;

Sometimes it's in the blue-gray eyes that bring out all the compassion and gratitude you feel;

Sometimes it's in the chiseled features hiding the sweetest heart underneath that gives you the intimacy you longed for;

Sometimes it's in a tempting smile below squinting eyes that carries you away into deeper excitement...

Forgetfulness

It is your fate, forgetfulness. All of the old lessons of life, you lose and gain and lose and gain again.

Leto II - The Voice of Dar-es-Balat

from Frank Herbert's "Heretics of Dune"

Romance & Melancholy

It's been snowing almost for one month now. 3 days of heavy snow, then stops for a couple of days, but then again, starts snowing heavily.

The problem is not to cope with the cold weather or traffic; bu it's that heavy snow itself... Though so intense, it also snows so beautifully, so gracefully that it reawakens the very romantic side in me... The desire to walk hand-in-hand in the snow covered streets comes back... Looking at the trees, the white surface, the glittering lights in the city under the snow. Stopping for a while and an embrace, a soft kiss, a current running through the body, the feeling, the feeling of the lightness of being.

Looking through the window, empty handed... A gloomy melancholy triggered by the romantic mood takes effect. The Melancholy keeps feeding the Romance, the very source of itself... It becomes a vicious circle, a snake biting its own tail...

The Unduly Significance

When you take back the unduly significance you put on people, what remains is a somehow dull and monotonous but predictable relationtionship.

p.s. Inspired by M.Guray's words

Interrogation

Is it true?

The reason why I am so attracted to you now - is it because you're out of reach?

Is this why I reluctantly chose you among all the others that I hated utterly? Or is it the very reason of my choice, having you and not wanting to be very close?

Are you the one that holds all I needed and all I swore not to have again within the very same personage? The intimacy I longed for, the sweetness I cherished...? But, the one I swore never to love, never to be with, never to be attached to as well?...

What are you, tell me now!

Movies With Known Tragic Endings

It happens always the same with movie adaptations. Since it is an adaptation, the audience already knows the subject, the story line and even the ending from the very beginning. If it is based on a story with a tragic ending, i.e. the main guy dying of cancer in the end, the couple splitting up, or the mother losing her children, the effect becomes much intense. Though the ending is very tragic and quite unbearable, some audience is still very much willing to go all the way... Watch the movie, get into the feeling, taste all details within the sequences and towards the end feel the tightness in the chest that it's gonna end up badly.

What makes those movies still attractive to the audience is probably the experience throughout the movie. The tension created in the end is nothing compared to the pleasure of living the scenario, seeing all good scenes, listening to nice dialogues, discovering all characters and the music...

But, are all these worth experiencing the trouble in the end? What is even harder is that watching that movie is done willingly... Willingly to go through all that pain to see the tragic ending.

What my personal experience tells me is that living through the best moments of the movie is worth shedding all the tears to the ending. And it is a fact that there will always be other new movies with known tragic endings that the audience will fancy watching, over and over again...

Left Deep Inside

It's a somewhat gloomy mood I'm in these few days... Throwing me into deep corners: dark, damp and narrow. Slashing my heart into pieces, gathering them up and making whole again; just to slash once again. The resentment, the insatiable feeling of hunger... Hunger for life, more life...

But, whatever happens, it is the same feeling again: The feeling of something that is left deep inside...

The Photograph

A photograph.

Upside down, head leaning out of the bed. A tempting look.

Just another photograph, or a cause of excitement... that lacked in my life for a long time now...

Ends...

Another year is about to end...

With that year ending there are other things that come to an end as well...

But, how hard it is to let go; how hard to accept the ends, the losses, the nothingness...

In any circumstance, it seems easier to cling to the remnants, instead of admittance of loss.

Nevertheless, the longer you hold on to those to slip away, the more you suffer, the more it takes to recover...

Turning Thirty

What is it really?

Growing older and more mature?

Closing one chapter and starting another one?

Realizing you are no longer supposed to be a child?

Discovering, at the same time, that all you want is to remain a child?

Is it more white hair?

Or less energy?

Is it leaving most of your emotional reactions and behaving in a more logical manner?

Or making peace with yourself?

Is it just a limit, or an ordinary number at all?

The end of anticipation and the beginning of acceptance, probably... That defines it much better...

Looking for Something That Remains the Same Among the Ones That Change

Almost everything has changed now.

And most of them in the way I wished so.

But, I feel something's wrong anyway...

It is so ironic that I am desperately looking for something that remains the same among all that changed. I am searching for an anchor to hold on to. Don't know why, but that wind of change is bothering me in a way I could never have imagined.

I guess, I cannot recognize myself anymore. I want everything to be solid and static; that, I hated for all my life. Maybe it's because of getting older. Or maybe a sister leaving home, two close friends moving to long distances caused this... And the ever-coming-back feeling of resentment...

For all those, I don't want anything to change again! At least not for a long while...

The Car Window

"For me, people are like the raindrops hitting the window of a car. Sometimes, as one drop slides down, it merges into another drop. Thus, getting stonger they move along faster... And, I merged into you, my love... But, people are cruel and wasteful. They act as if there's no end to anything. They don't even think of the driver's opening the window one day..."

From "Incir Receli" (2011)

by Aytac Agirlar

Hotel on Rue Saint-Martin

The sun has finally set. The sky's all dark, the weather's cool...

I look ahead, just accross my hotel room there's a Haussmann style French building. The mid floors with French type windows, the top one with narrow balcony, and there are five eaves at the topmost floor.

There are people in one of the middle floor flats. A little girl playing just near the coffee table in the middle. I can only see the legs and feet of the others sitting around from that height of my window. There's a bowl of fruit on the table and some wine. The talk seems relaxing and fun; people are laid back, recumbent. Fills me with warmth inside. Two floors above there's no light. The topmost eaves all belong to different people. At the second one, there's a young guy sitting at the sill. Back on one wall, the legs are bent to the body, drinking something... The third one has clothes hanging on the sill to dry up; but they aren't gonna, the rain's near. The fifth one has two guys leaning towards the front from the sill, checking out the street, or just chatting, who knows?

I just stare at the building, the windows, the narrow street just below and the connecting big road on the right, Rue Saint Martin... I can't believe once again, I'm breathing in Paris!

from the Paris journey 14-19th July

Goodbye

You constantly complain on the bore of living in the same city for years.

You discuss the temptation of leaving all behind and start a new life...

You talk about all the new opportunites, all you could gain with new horizons ahead...

Then, one of you leaves... And you stay...

Then the whole concept of leaving becomes a whole big void for you.

'Cause it's 'the leaving' you wanted to be a part of, not 'the being stuck'...

Though you know it's for the best for you to stay for now, you unconsciously look for your escape from the maze. Maybe it's because of the fear of losing someone; or the unease of the changes to be faced after that intense a relationship... No matter why, the feeling of loneliness, the sense of stagnation seem to stay with you for a little while longer...

Goodbye! Have a nice journey: for today and for the long one ahead...

Reminiscence

Sometimes, a simple word, not even heard but only written, could make you feel nothing has changed...

Our connection to present is mostly kept with our struggle with the changes in our lives and their immediate daily effects. As time passes, we sometimes lose track of what happened in the past or how much time has passed over certain events. But life is movable, it is dynamic in everyway; so , it brings out new possibilities and reminds you of all the past events in time. As you remember those you regret, or have forgotten; you might kinda feel defenceless.

Anyhow, sometimes a song, a movie, a picture, a piece of hadwriting on an old notebook cover can tell you that nothing actually has changed; everything stayed the same. All will resume right from where you left them once you just click the button.

Update

I've been neglecting this blog lately. It's not just an admittance or a search for an excuse; but it is indeed a discovery of how I neglected many things in my life recently. Drawing, Italian, reading, tennis and many others... In search for a literal excuse for not spending time for these, I found myself facing the fact that I somehow am losing my desires. My desire to do all these things that I loved once... My desire to learn, to experience... Even my desire to change the course of things, change routines, change monotony...

I've been simply "living" for the last several months. Neither caring for things to come, nor constructing plans... It doesn't mean I lost my total interest in life, but I prefer easier choices. Simpler and unwinding roads are the ones I choose nowadays. The ones that are less tiresome, the ones that do not cause great troubles nor bring the best prizes though. But, at the end of the day, I really feel FINE...

Government

Government cannot be religious and self-assertive at the same time. Religious experience needs a spontaneity which laws inevitably suppress. And you cannot govern without laws. Your laws eventually must replace morality, replace conscience, replace even the religion by which you think to govern. sacred ritual must spring from praise and holy yearnings which hammer out a significant morality. Government, on the other hand, is a cultural organism particularly attractive to doubts, questions and contentions.

from "The Dune Messiah" by Frank Herbert

Life Is Full Of Surprises

There are three sayings I believe in life. One of them is: "Life is full of surprises".

This week it was confirmed once again. Some unexpected news on deteriorating situations got me quite low on Monday morning. However, surprisingly, before the afternoon, I received surprisingly good news on new opportunities. It was as if my monthly horoscope was fit into one single day.

Within the same day, I worried a lot and got suprisingly excited. It was a day full of emotions but it taught lessons as well. I realized once again that once you have some change in your life, good or bad, you should wait for it to settle, to gain shape. Then you got to decide on your decisions and plans seeing what it became and where it would lead you. Hasty decisions and empty worries just wear you out for no reason.

Still learning with experience...

Wish Something From the New Year!

What do people wish from the upcoming new year?

Happiness, more money, love, joy, excitement or success are probably the wishes with the highest rankings. But I believe what is to be asked from a new year should be the capacity and ability to judge. To judge the last year you've gone through and analyse your mistakes and setbacks that hindered your desires or cancelled your plans. Too much technical a wish; but I believe that works out the best, at least for me now!...

Birthday With Tears

Two birthday celebrations this year...

Both beforehand...

Both with tears in the eyes...

One out of happiness, the other out of a mix of worry and sentiment...

But both creating warmth in my heart.

I had a different birthday wish this year, a specifically defined one.

We'll see if it comes true...

Religion and Politics

"When religion and politics travel in the same cart, riders believe nothing can stand in their way. Their movement becomes headlong - faster and faster and faster. They put aside all thought of obstacles and forget that a precipice does not show itself to the man in a bland rush until it's too late."

A 'Bene Geserit' Proverb

ref. From "Dune" by Frank Herbert

The Little Blue Diamond

A little piece of gem, a little blue diamond... It brightened up my whole day. It reminded me how little my worries worth... It reminded me how less I should care about the course the things going on in my life... It told me why I should leave all up to faith and let go with the flow...

Stray Dog

I saw a stray dog on the street as I was coming back home tonight. He was just beside my car standing on the sidewalk. A young black dog, his black fur and beige coloured legs covered in mud, wet all over. He was taking little steps and then stopping again in daze, certainly not walking. What he particularly did was to look at the people passing by in despair. His black eyes were following the people but then turning away and looking at a distant horizon; seemed like looking for something, or somewhere to go. Maybe he was searching a way home; maybe he was even looking for a home, someone to take him and look after. I felt a sullen mercy. I'd be lying if I say I didn't think to get him in the car for a moment.

What was so striking about that stray dog? That I cannot clearly explain. But, I guess it was the feeling it created in me. The feeling of being lost, the state of looking for a shelter; looking for someone to take me home, wash me, comb me, feed me up... Yes, I was that stray dog that was looking for a direction, a way home, a way to feel safe and sheltered, a way to a happy and bright future. That instant I desperately needed someone to take care of me, to show me the way...

I was that stray dog...

She's Mine But I'm Not Hers

I walked into my office after lunch today. I had kept the music playing as I left. When I entered, soft piano notes started to echo in the room. The melody took me into a melancholic ambience. Then the words began:

"There was a time when I was playing rough

But nowadays I take it sort of cool
Why do I feel this way
I don't wanna be alone
She's mine but I'm not hers"

It was Jay-Jay Johanson's song "She's Mine But I'm Not Hers" on a platonic love. It reminded me of the platonic loves I had. Though I'm not platonically in love with anyone at the moment I felt myself trapped in the sad story of the song. I can't imagine how I would feel if I had one...

And the song goes on:

"Everytime we meet it's wonderful
And though she only loves me as a friend
I always want to see her
But I hate to say goodbye
She's mine but I'm not hers

She's mine, she's mine
She's mine but I'm not hers..."

ref. "She's Mine But I'm Not Hers" by Jay-Jay Johanson

from the album "Tattoo" 1998

The Grave and The Rain

She kneeled beside the grave that was closed a couple of minutes ago. She touched the flowers on top. A few shiny tears fell from her cheeks onto the earth covering the grave. As she stood up and walked slowly towards the people waiting her, all she thought was how dry the earth was, how bare all around. On the way back as it started raining, the feeling of refreshment covered her soul. The earth would be much wetter and fresh then. But resentment stroke all of a sudden; the resentment of leaving her beloved father all alone getting wet under all that soil and dirt...

You're Still A Child

When do you realize that you're still a little child?

When you're with someone older than you?

When all the others make all the "mature talks" about life?

Or is it the time when you find yourself listening to the old pop songs feeling the beat inside and wanting to dance around crazily?

Or the time when everyone keeps giving you advices on life, choices, paths and desires??

The Dash

The dates of birth and death are always written on a gravestone with a dash in between. In fact, that little "dash" is what we call "life". Everything that is lived through, everything that passed by are summarised in that little sign.

So, for what we become happy, for what we cry or worry; we all steal something from the dashes: our lives...


p.s. Inspired by A.Serdaroglu's words

Let's Go Away

Let's go away from this place,
Go to a far far away land.
Should destroy everything behind,
And get them all new on the way
To build up once again
Right from the very start...

Let's have the best escape plan together
With no arrangements at all.
Our maps laid on the table,
Deciding where to head
With the pointing of our fingers
On the most random spots...

Let's pack our bags carelessly
Taking only useless things along,
Forgetting about all the photographs
And writings on the walls.
They'll come with us anyway
For our memories still linger on...

Let's leave this city
At the break of dawn.
The cool gale chilling us,
Dogs barking on the streets.
A tender feeling in our hearts
With shiny tears flowing on the cheeks...


To a beloved friend and to all escapes...

Happiness Is Never Grand

"... Actual happiness always looks pretty squalid in comparison with the over-compensations for misery. And, of course, stability isn't nearly so spectacular as instability. And being contented has none of the glamour of a good fight against misfortune, none of the picturesqueness of a struggle with temptation, or fatal overthrown by passion or doubt. Happiness is never grand."

ref. Brave New World - Aldous Huxley

Go / Went / Gone

I said goodbye to someone leaving last night.
He had two big pieces of luggage, a backpack and a laptop...
But, I believe his heart was not that loaded with the heavy burden of stability like mine...
I said "goodbye", he said "we'll see each other again"...
I left for home, he stayed sitting there at the bench.
Actually he was the one leaving, not me...

Now I'm waiting for another friend of mine to leave in a couple of months.
I don't think I will feel any different than I had yesterday.
He's gonna go away; I'm gonna stay.
And I'm gonna feel the bitter pain of standing where I am, where I was.

All I can think about right now is to leave, to go away.
Even without any luggage, without any money, without expectations...
And I keep repeating the verb conjugation: Go, Went, Gone...

Wish...

It's one of those moments that I dreadfully wish...
Wish that everyone I love to be near me...
Wish that noone leaves...
Wish that all will be better...
Wish I finally could have a decision...

Then I wish the first song to play in the media player to be the one I had in mind when I clicked it... Here it is, it is the one I wished for...

Wounds, Crusts & Scars

There comes the irresistable urge to peel the crust over the wound...

The crust: it seems very thick, dark, and strong on top of the wound. You always know that it is the indication of your wound's healing. One day it will just fall out by leaving no mark of the wound behind.

But, it starts to itch and burns inside. It provokes you to take it out. All you need is to find a crack on it and begin to peel it off slowly. With the peeling you realize how sensitive and fresh was the wound underneath. Then you realize that you have already known that before you attempted to peel. But, then it becomes too late to stop. You just need to finish what you started! You must take the whole crust out. Do it now! Do it, don't care about the pain and exposing the unhealed wound!

The crust is peeled... The wound is aching, becoming watery and even bleeding... You knew that it would be like that. You just couldn't resist...

Now, it's gonna leave a scar as well. A scar that carries the mark of your weakness. Your weakness to resist to temptation; your weakness to be patient...

The Day of Gratuitous Sorrows

Today is the day of gratuitous sorrows...
Today is the day to listen to sad songs with violins...
Today is an imaginary festival for all that's lost...

Just push play
And listen to the crying violin...
Imagine an unconscious man dancing in the water...
See how he floats, turns and moves...
A dark blue covering all the space around,
It gets darker still, as the man keeps dancing...

Have some regret today,
And a little resentment...
Because it's the day of gratuitous sorrows...
Close your eyes,
Feel the drowning man...
But, just realize in the end
"Everything is exactly the way it's meant to be"...
















The Picture by Janoosh :
http://janoosh.deviantart.com/art/Drowning-Man-62812677

Hiatus

Everything in my life seems to be in hiatus right now. Nothing new comes up, nothing changes... I believe I don't struggle now as much as I did in the past to survive and change direction. This silent state is slowly covering my days and nights. I just close my eyes and feel nothing at all.

It is indeed the pause I needed months ago. It's just come to me. Though not in the form I supposed it would be... It is much chaotic on the outside but that much placid on the inside.

I don't think it is one of those times when you keep on waiting for some specific event to happen and change the status to "currently active" from "hiatus". Actually this state does not involve hoping for such a thing to happen. It is the constant state that never indicates what's gonna happen in future...

However, I know it is temporary somehow. One of those periods to be passed through... Not necessarily be low or unpleasant; but only numb and without expectations...

The Chamber of Choices

The Chamber of Choices is always a round room. It never has corners or windows but has different number of doors. Because everyone has his/her own chamber of choices, the total number of doors changes according to the person. Some chambers have only two doors; some have numerous... But, the logic is always the same: "Entering the chamber from one door and leaving it through another".

For people whose chambers have only two doors, what to do is very easy. In fact, they get in from the entrance door, and upon entrance the only door they see is the other one. So, they do not get to decide and pass through the other door without any hesitation or regret.

It obviously becomes more and more complicated when the number of doors increases. For those who keep building doors in their chambers on and on again, the choice of exit turns into a kind of nightmare. Because the doors are only for one direction: once you leave the chamber from one door, you cannot get back and change decision. Since every door opens up to another chamber where there are other doors, one should choose wisely or suffer the consequences ahead.

What is really ironic about the chambers of choice is that you somehow have a very low chance of returning back to one of the previous chambers in time. However, the chamber being the same, the doors may have changed already. This once again makes the choices irreversible.

Some people have eyes open to the chamber of choice system. Some don't... Expectedly, the one's that cannot see the system are the same ones with two doors in each chamber. They either have no other choice in life to consider or they do not really care to build another door to create an alternative passage through the chamber. Does that situation really make them happy? In some cases, they are happy, indeed. But, once they discover a discontent about the "two-doors" situation, they either start building doors or go on passing through the doors to other chambers to desperately seek a chamber with multiple doors.

For the other type, the ones that have multi-doored chambers, the situation is quite different. Since those people have made habit of building doors to their chambers, they really can't get out of even sometimes from a single chamber. Everywhere they look, they see another door. And each door is in a different shape and style demonstrating their lead to different paths. Determined people in life know their style of door most of the time. So, if they knew that they are into large steel doors, they go with the large steel one always. Because they know what is behind it and what good will it bring to them. On the other hand, the flighty and indecisive ones always suffer during the choice of doors.

One thing to keep in mind for the chambers is not to have regret after opening a door. Because once you pass through it, you may not see it again. Therefore, regretting about the choice becomes worthless. Each chamber entered should be a brand new one with new things to choose and new past choices to forget...

The Fire Exit Sign

I desperately looked for the fire exit sign...

There was heavy smoke all around, all the files and folders were on fire... The bitter smell of burning plastic and wood mixed up in the air and blocked my lungs. There was nothing to see but only the walls to touch and find the way into the dark corridors. I tried to look around and see where I was, I tried to find an opening, like a window or door to take my head out. There was none. I rushed to the end of the corridor to get out through the fire exit. I desperately looked for the fire exit sign... But it wasn't visible, the sign was not lit. Because there was no electricity that day... And there was no fire at all... It was all just the heavy smoke of mind surrounding the deepest corners of my soul, trapping me in my office room.

I desperately looked for the fire exit sign once again... It was just in front of me and it was brightly lit... Damn, I still couldn't go out!...

Heart and Mind

It's one of those moments when I listen to Duncan Sheik again... Leads me into a world of fantasy... I am listening to what my heart says, in contrast with what my mind suggests... But it is always the sweeter words from the heart, aren't they? Your heart always tells you the easier to do, your mind leads to the path of thorns... At least mine have always done that. And I kept following what my mind has told me. But this time, for the first time in my life, I am tempted to do what my heart says... So in hesitation, so afraid but so willing...

Love Me For What I Am

"Love me for what i am" she said...
"Accept me with all my faults and dreams;
Don't try to change me just to make it please you...
I am what I want to be..."

" Love for what I am" he said...
"Just love me forever, that's all I want!"
"Accept me with all my choices, just don't disregard me"
"I am trying to be what others want me to be..."

The Local Transit Boat

Heart is like the local transit boat... It is always long departed before you realize you've left your cell phone in, buy another token and pass through the turnstiles once again...

Branches

Climbing a tree is interesting. You start with the largest and strongest branches... You hold the one at the bottom, pull yourself up and get on it. You always know the lowest braches are certainly comfortable and stable. They provide you with the feeling of security. But most of the time, most people look up and see higher branches. Those braches, though weaker and riskier, are always more tempting. Maybe because they are higher or more exciting, they keep constantly calling you up. You may listen to those voices and climb upper and upper... Sometimes you break some branches on the way up, sometimes you ignore them recklessly. When you reach the top, you shockingly realize that you are holding on to one of the tiniest braches, a twig perhaps, which will break eventually...

Are You Feeling Better Now?

...And the world may be long for you
But it'll never belong to you
But on a motorbike
When all the city lights
Blind your eyes tonight
Are you feeling better now?...

ref. Decemberists - Grace Cathedral Hill
(from the Album "Castaways and Cutouts")

Life In Slow Motion

Today, on my way back home from work, my car seemed to be going quite slow. Then I noticed the birds flying very slowly as well. I could distinguish the movement of their wings as they fly. Suddenly everything seemed to move in the slowest way possible. The road was never ending, people were moving in a slow motion, the traffic was flowing in the most peaceful way. Life resembled a short movie where everyone and everything tried not to create any kind of motion at all. My blood circulated slower in my body, my thoughts quietly disappeared. All that left was the sound of the music...

Life was in slow motion; but this time I never wished it to be hastier or livelier. I surrendered to the hermit inside. I felt the sweet taste of peace, the everlasting joy of isolation... The world was much brighter, the colours paler and the silence was integral...

Know Thyself!

Is there any proper way to understand yourself in deep?

Is there a chance to discover your true inner self and comprehend the source of your feelings and thoughts?

Is it possible to reveal your mind and make peace with the consequences?

I wonder how long I've been trying to discover inner true self. The other self than I show to the outside world. Much more fragile maybe, less stubborn or much determined... And I really don't know if there's any easier way to get to know yourself. Maybe it's never possible to understand what you are made of, why you really do the things you do... The desires, the unexplainable decisions, the unbearable burden of keeping things to yourself...

Perceptions

A couple of days ago I passed through a one way street with my car. Though I had passed through it many times before, I was surprised this time. It was the street where I had been before, many years ago, maybe when I was eleven...

The street seemed quite ordinary to me: two-three lanes, one way, parked cars on one side and etc. But, then I remembered how big it seemed to me years ago, like some boulevard instead of an ordinary street... Maybe it was because in car that the street seemed smaller; or it was because I was a child that the street had seemed larger. Anyway, it eventually reminded me the rule of perception. The physical conditions, emotions and passing years interfere with our perceptions of the environment and the events around.

Perhaps, years later the places I go, the things I do and the emotions I feel now will create different sensations in me.

This is nothing of an invention, I know, but I just wanted to share how empty I felt when I realized the ever changing perceptions of my mind. And, there's one other thing: I just wanted to remember one dear person to me, who will always be reminded me by that street... He's no longer alive now... May God rest his soul in peace...

Gnossienne No.4

Erik Satie playing in the background; sad melodies flowing in the air... Another year is ending, silently and slowly... Just like what has happened all throughout the year: waiting silently, losing slowly...

What is to remain at the very end is a little spoon full of hope. "Lick it and begin on a new one!" says an old man beside me. He has shiny brown eyes (but he says they're hazel), a white round beard and wrinkly face... I look at him and see my old age. Feeling lost I turn my head towards the screen and keep on writing. He grabs me on the shoulder and says: "Seriously, lick it and begin a new one! There's more to life than this..." I look at him once again, a shiny tear falls down my cheek and I keep on writing...

Ref. Erik Satie - Gnossienne No.4

In the Land of the Lions, Unicorns & Dragons

My hair's waving in the air, my nose and ears are in shades of scarlett red, my feet are long surrendered to cold and my skin is bitten by the freezing wind... But I am happy as hell... I am fascinated by the alternating bright lights, the brick walls, artistically carved stones, the statues, union jack flags, red buses, underground signs...

Then we enter a snack bar, grab some sandwiches and hot breakfast tea with milk. As I sat down behind the glass pane viewing the square, I feel the happiness and peace surrounding me. I look at the great plain square with the four big bronze lions and two artistically decorated fountains. In front of all that stands erect a high greek column with a statue of Nelson on top. Completing the marvellous view the magnificent building of the National Gallery takes place, so gracefully and so real...

The soft lights sparkling at the dusk are calling me into the very heart of this city. The chilly wind fills up my lungs with its essence. For a single moment I leave the life I own and conform with the idea of belonging to this misty city.

Then, I wish heartily to return to this city someday; not to visit once again but to return for good...

A Furious Writing

An old piece of writing I've recovered from the vault of my blog. It was written in a moment of fury. I never intended to publish it back then... Because I did not want the thing enraged me to gain some kind of a value with a published piece of writing. But now, I think it's time to release it, it does not help hiding anger somewhere deep inside anyway...


"I believe in a Divine Justice. A Justice that is to correct all mistakes made, give people what they deserve and judge them on what they really worth.

And I also believe that the biggest and the most unforgiveable sin that the Divine Justice shall never forgive is to break someone's heart...

I, myself have always tried hard not to break a single one. If I had, I am deeply, truly sorry for that.

Because of all that, I don't/won't forgive anyone that broke my heart recklessly! Never!"

October 20th, 2009

All The Tiredness

I have an unfinished novel in German on my bookshelf. I bought it months ago with an enthusiasm to read and revive my German. But, when I look at it now, all I see is dust on its cover and I realize my tiredness that hinder me even to reach and grab it.

I have coloured pastel pencils in my living room beside the easel that haven't been used for at least a year. I have new drawing projects to start, folders to be organised, bills to be payed... I still have hopes to be fulfilled...

But, amongst all these I feel terribly exhausted, gratuitously anxious, completely worn out...

Seasonal it must be... Or shall I say temporal? I am not quite sure of the type or the reason behind... Whether it's the result of current circumstances in my life or the cause lies deep inside me...
What I do notice is that everything around me somehow reminds me of the delayed plans, the lost hopes and all the tiredness I feel...

Now I notice the Spanish grammar book on the shelf. I bought it when I first beginned learning Italian. I was so eager to learn both that I tried to study them at the same time back then. I can't believe how energetic I was... Now, all I know is how empty the Spanish Grammar book seems to me; and how I failed to finish that German novel...

I have books everywhere, I have dreams amongst them, I have a bed I need to be in... A bed I never want to get out of... I guess what I should do is to take all those books and read them in it. And the dreams? They'll all reappear when I fall asleep...

Good night...

Norway

As a child fond of geography I remember shuffling through pages of geographical encyclopedias (yes, there was no internet back then!) but stopping at a very peculiar page amongst them. That was a page with a bright green-blue coloured photo of the fjords of Norway. I clearly recall the green mountainside meeting the dark blue ocean with an intricate shoreline. That was one of the most beautiful images I had ever seen back then. Ever since I dreamt about seeing the countryside and wild nature of Norway.


Recently, this time surfing through the internet (thanks to the development of technology!), I encountered several photos of Norway. Those four pictures instantly attract your attention and suck you into the fascinating nature. As soon as I saw them all I thought was to grab an anorak and winter boots and get on the next plane to Norway. The next thing to do would be to take a very long stroll on the lake shores and in the mountains. What a relief!



For those and many other images of Norway: http://lonelywolf2.deviantart.com/gallery/
Thanks for Lonelywolf2's brilliant work...

p.s. The image on the title of this blog is also from the same source.

The New Shoes

"Hey, I put some new shoes on,
And suddenly everything is right..." *

The lyrics of a pop-rock song. It seems that it hit the target for me. Yes, I do wanna put some new shoes on and suddenly feel everything's right! Maybe it's not the shoes but only myself to change in order to make everything right. Besides, the song's got nothing to do with my feelings, 'cause it literally talks about some new shoes. But to my perception, this pair of new shoes is the little miracle I expect to happen in a short while. I am not sure whether I should wait for this miracle; perhaps I should stick with my old shoes that were ripped around the seams... Anyway, I don't know how, don't know when; but I still do wait for it...

* Ref. The New Shoes - Paolo Nutini
from the album "These Streets" - 2006

On Leaves & Stays

Until now, I have been the one who leaves. I 've been the one to sail for new places, the one to adapt to new environments, the one that could never understand the feeling of being left behind. Perhaps now, for the first time, I am the one that stays after the leave of a loved one.

For all this time I believed that it is always harder for the one who leaves. Trying to fit into a new environment, dealing with the difficulties ahead, simply the strenousness of a changing life, all seemed to be quite harder than the stable environment of the one who stays.

However, life is not as easy as expected for the one who stays. Life goes on as it would like nothing had changed. But some little portions, some details begin to fade away gradually.

I could hardly comprehend how it feels when you stay behind and deal with the loss of the daily habits, routines created by the person that left. But now, I am beginning to feel the little voids that are formed within my daily life. As time progresses I know the voids will combine and form a larger gap. It is not the hardest thing to get used to this large gap. Because, you already knew it will form someday. The hardest is the moment when you realize the first little void for the very first time. Because it appears all of a sudden, or you would never expect to see an effect that much sooner, I don’t know why... But, I’m sure it hurts the most.

Flowers, Sandcastles, My Kite and a Ladybug

"Strawberry scented, musk mallow flavoured flowers blossom in my garden before the tempest...
The sea underneath tickles my feet; I have hopes of sandcastles. Even if they collapse, I’ll have lots of sand anyway...
My kite is shinier than a lollipop candy, and surprisingly quicker than expected from an A4 paper...
I opened my hand to let my ladybug breathe; and have the sun shine on her again...
Surely one fine day she'll be coming back to me..."


A translation of a little poem from the personal page of one of my friends*. I am really moved with its style, language and emotion. I feel almost the same nowadays...


*Ref. A. Serdaroglu - www.odtumezunlari.gen.tr Personal page

The Child Inside

I don’t know what caused exactly to feel like this, but I started to believe that something is dying inside me. It is not something, in fact, it is my “Child Inside”!

Everybody is familiar with the concept of the “child inside” and the happiness, liveliness, vividness it produces. For all my life I believed that this so-called “child” slowly dies as people grow up. But I was determined not to lose that child of mine. Surprisingly (or expectedly), I happened to realize that it was not the easiest thing to do. Because, life brings more responsibilities and obstacles with higher level of endurances as it progresses. Trying to cope with all these, somehow your child becomes neglected. ‘Cause it needs to be fed constantly with childish vivacity, joy and recklessness. However, with the increasing responsibilities it becomes impossible to keep those kinda feelings in your system. Therefore, you give up and agonizingly watch this child’s diminishing.

At first, I was strongly in denial of neglection of my child. I could never have behaved like that! I could never leave it unnourished or never let it feel unheeded. As soon as I realized the situation is about to worsen, I decided to do something for it. I had to grab my life from where I missed and return to the state where I was living happily with my child. But I couldn’t. I may never have tried hard enough, or maybe it was really challenging to leave all the commitments at hand. So I reluctantly let it go and watched the death slowly each passing day.

It is the rule of life; maybe (who knows) I need a very real, a very own child of mine after all. Maybe the time for taking care of myself by the help of a little child inside has gone forever. Now I’ve “finally” grown up and been one of those who “kills” his child inside.

I’ve given up questioning a while ago. Now I am not sure whether I stilll need to search for a child inside and try to save it, or not bother at all. Anyway, I guess it’s time to grab my beloved book “Mi Planta de Naranja Lima” once again and read it all over. If that doesn’t bring out and save the child, nothing’s ever will...

ref. Mi Planta de Naranja Lima - by José Mauro de Vasconcelos

Mercurial Weather and The Perfect Cure

The weather is quite mercurial today. Yesterday it rained a lot. Even now, little drops of rain are falling down occasionally. But, it seems as if it's gonna shine brightly in case the clouds make way.

The air is dense, lighting is dim, ambience is depressing...

I don't think my soul is any different from the weather nowadays...

But, I finally found the perfect cure for the ill mood of today: "Kings of Convenience"!

Cayman Islands, Know How, I Don't Know What I Can Save You From, Little Kids and finally Manhattan Skyline...

Soothing, comforting and relieving...

Not Ready

A man was walking home one evening when a stranger approached him and inquired about the location of a certain street. The man pointed out to the stranger and provided specific instructions. After readily understanding and accepting the instructions, the stranger began to walk in the opposite direction. The man said "You're headed in the wrong direction!". The stranger replied "Yes, I know. But, I'm not quite ready yet."

Pause

Pause!

A symbol with two vertical lines side to side...

Just push the button with that symbol, and your whole life pauses.

Everything around seizes its endless movement.

All the people stay still, all plans disappear for a moment, all worries fade away.

What a fantastic idea!

I desperately need that pause for the time being.

I want everything that bothers me to remain still for a certain duration...

...So that I would leave all aside; grab a pillow, a soft blanket and fit in the tiniest bed, curl up and doze off quietly.

That's all I desire now, just a little bit of silence, a serene feeling of muteness, a deep sleep...

But, in the end, it's a pause anyway; it's all gonna resume when I press the button once again...

Low

In times when you feel low:

Nothing really makes you happy;
The classical mottos like "Carpe Diem", "Live for the Moment" etc. do not work at all;
Your otherwise bright future suddenly seems to be in a big black haze;
A sad song like Robin Hackett's "Hard Left" expresses your mood most conveniently;
Even your loved ones' comfort does not make you feel relieved;
And repeating the known phrase "Everything's gonna be alright!" turns into a cliché...

But I guess, there's one thing to make you hold on to real life:
It is the belief to a certain destiny.
Your destiny that determines your way ahead, controlling even the smallest detail...
No matter what you do or how much you worry about the consequences.
The idea of a greater power somehow comforts you showing that some things are out of your control... And you did your best...

The Wings of Dreaming

I hate dreaming!

Although it is "supposed" to be an entertaining and nice activity, it brings about harsh consequences in the end. I know, because I have experienced enough of that.

Dreaming gives you a pair of wings. Wings that make you fly and take you as high as you desire. But, eventually, what is to follow is a sudden free fall, like an apple from a tree. However, the damage comes not only as bruising, as in the case of the apple, but also in dissappointment and depression as well.

That makes me remember the story of Ikaros, the son of the talented craftsman Daedalos. Daedalos, designs two pairs of wings made up of bird feathers attached with wax, both for himself and his son. Together they intend to fly and escape from Crete, where they were imprisoned. Before the journey, Daedalos reminds his son of the danger: he should not fly very high and get very close to the sun, since that melts the wax and the feathers could drift apart. His son promises to be careful. But, once he flew over the blue sea and glid in the bright sky, he wants to reach much higher. Unfortunately, as he rises in the sky, Ikaros's wings fall apart and he crashes right down to the Aeagean Sea and dies instantly.

That is not the same story, but it always reminds me of the case of dreaming. So tragic, and so real... Trying to reach a higher goal that is not possible, is something that's triggered by dreaming. I know I'm being too pessimistic about the whole case of dreaming. But, I would be lying if I say that I believe that "a person is nothing without his dreams" saying...

Maybe that's a phase that'll pass soon. But, for the time being I still hate dreaming!

Icarus & Daedalus

by Frederic Leighton, 1st Baron Leighton

ca 1869

Why Me?

Arthur Ashe, the legendary Wimbledon player was dying of AIDS which he got due to infected blood he received during a heart surgery in 1983. From world over, he received letters from his fans, one of which conveyed: "Why does God have to select you for such a bad disease?"

To this Arthur Ashe replied: In the world, over 50 million children start playing tennis, 5 million learn to play tennis, 500.000 of them learn professional tennis, 50.000 come to the circuit, 5.000 reach the grand slam, 50 reach Wimbledon, 4 to semi-finals, 2 to the finals. When I was holding the championship cup I never asked God "Why me?"... And today in pain I should not be asking God "Why me?"

Happiness makes someone nice; success makes glorious...

Hardships make tough; sorrow makes mature...

Defeat makes someone humble...

So, why say "God, why me?"

What is to happen, happens anyway...

So Close and Far Away

How surprisingly exciting life becomes when you realize the chances of a drastic change are so close and far away at the same instant...

Thankful For Breathing

An recent unexpected loss that I have been informed of has affected me a great deal. I get myself to thinking that how often I get tangled up with the daily problems of life. These kind of losses tell people to perk up and realize how important it is even to be able to breathe. Sometimes we take our lives for granted and live recklessly. I guess, a single moment is to be spared to thank for the miracle of being alive...

Simple Life...

The video on the attached link is made up of 10.000 photographs without a single use of a video recorder. It displays the four seasons of İstanbul in the most splendid and natural way.

The video fascinated me in the way it shows life’s true simplicity. Life, in fact, consists of rising suns, descending moons, howling winds or falling snow flakes... It is us, the mankind, that add the alternating bright lights, the ever-travelling cars and boats, the crowd of the cities onto that perfect pureness... Other than those it is just a new day following the other.

A simple life it is...

http://www.ersineser.us/

Best of Wishes

With the approach of the date of my birthday, a version of  an ordinary question occupied my mind. Starting from “What should I wish from my coming age?”, I ended up with others like: “What is really to be wished for?” or “What is the best of all wishes?”...

What should really be wished for in our lives? Health? Success? Money? Love? I guess the wish of most people is to have peace at the very last moments of the ‘journey’. The soothing sense of satisfaction, the tranquility of feeling no regrets. And any other that means peace for the person...

Going through the last two years of my life, I decided that I had been quite luckier in the things I wished for. Maybe I wished “wisely”, got what I deserved, or just simply been lucky, that’s all. It’s just time to be thankful for all those...

May all wishes come true...

Happy birthday to me... 

A Surprising E-mail

Today I have received two e-mails from two unknown contacts. They included quotes from authors. I could not perceive whether they are spam or not, because they neither contained any links nor any ads. The first one I could not get clearly, but I liked the second one and found worth displaying here. It's quite meaningful considering my general approach towards life. Thanks a lot to Ms. Liz Guevara, who I don't even know, for this nice piece of quote.


"So. The time has come for me to get my kite flying, stretch out in the sun, kick off my shoes, and speak my piece. 'The days of struggle are over,' I should be able to say. 'I can look back now and tell myself I don't have a single regret.' But I do. Many years ago a very wise man named Bernard Baruch took me aside and put his arm around my shoulder. 'Harpo, my boy,' he said, 'I'm going to give you three pieces of advice, three things you should always remember.' My heart jumped and I glowed with expectation. I was going to hear the magic password to a rich, full life from the master himself. 'Yes, sir?' I said. And he told me the three things. I regret that I've forgotten what they were."

Arthur Marx

Feeling Good

There are some songs that you listen to countless times and do not realize their real deeper meaning. But somehow suddenly something strikes you when you discover what the words really mean. It does not necessarily need to be a complex one; it just depends on your mood to discover it.

That happened to me with Nina Simone's "Feeling Good" recently. Though it is quite simple in lyrics, I happened to understand what it tries to tell me.

It is time to cherish every single day of life...

It's a new dawn, a new day, a new life..


"Birds flyin' high you know how I feel
Sun in the sky you know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by you know how I feel
Its a new dawn, its a new day, its a new life for me
yeah, its a new dawn its a new day its a new life for me ooh
And I'm Feeling Good

Fish in the sea, you know how I feel
River runnin' free you know how I feel
Blossom on the tree you know how I feel
Its a new dawn, its a new day, its a new life for me
And I'm feelin good

Dragonfly out in the sun you know what i mean dont you know
Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when day is done that's what I mean
And this old world is a new world and a bold world for me

Stars when you shine you know how I feel
Scent of the pine you know how I feel
Yeah, Freedom is mine, and I know how I feel
Its a new dawn, its a new day, its a new life for me

(Free styling)

Oh I'm Feeling Good."

Nina Simone
Feeling Good

It's Only Words

Just a bunch of little words, with insignificant meanings by themselves...

And, how amazing it is when they come together in a magical order and make you burst into unexpected tears.

Some little words, so simple they seem; but so much more they embrace...

The Persistence of Memory

I don’t actually remember the first time when I saw the painting of Salvador Dalí called “The Persistence of Memory”. What I clearly remember is how I felt when I first heard its name. It wasn’t until then that the painting made sense. Suddenly the melting clocks served their purpose and turned into fascinating objects in my mind.

However, it is quite recent that I comprehended the real meaning of the persistence of memory...

The memory truly and honestly persists... It persists to stay alive in all cases... To stay in flesh and blood just like the days when it was “present time”. The ever lingering memory of the good times completes life itself and makes it purposeful. It is agonizing if some memories should no longer exist in the mind, but they are so precious to erase completely. It becomes much more painful when you cannot actually leave the memory behind, and it only hurts to cling to it from then on.

This is when the real persistence starts. The memory you try to get rid of gets much stronger. It stucks in your head and grasps all veins that are connected to your emotions. As memory tries to stay alive, it corrodes your soul and tortures it with endless greed. The unsteady state between the reminiscence of the memory and the desire of eradication becomes uncontrollable.

In those times, a mere sigh, a twisted smile or a few shiny tears lead you to a simple state of dullness which turns into your firm mood for the day. Then an old photograph, a poster of an old movie or an empty place nearby on the couch keeps recalling all the memories again and again.

At the end of the day what is left to do is to learn...
To learn to live with the aging memories...
To learn to smile, even though crestfallen...

P.S. Dedicated to the memory of M&S...
For their memory will linger forever somewhere deep and precious...

La Persistencia de la Memoria (1931) - Salvador Dalí

A Moveable Feast

Life is a moveable feast...

All the good times and the bad ones change alternatingly in time. Someday the happiness surrounding you is lost and what takes its place is the sorrow...

Occasionally life becomes so ordinary, so flatlined and regular that we think that nothing’s ever gonna change. But what is not to be forgotten is that life has a certain course to go through. Sometimes the course it follows may not seem to be apparent. But, the actual case is all change in time... someway or another... Those changes could even become so fundamental that sometimes nothing actually remains the same forever.

Although this chaotic structure is quite invisible to the naked eye and a blunt mind, on occasions it shows itself as clearly as daylight. Then comes the time when you suddenly discover the hidden truth of this moveable structure. Afterwards, the never-ending inquisition on the meaning of life begins. In the end, you perceive the vulnerability of the human soul against the drastic changes.

Life is a moveable feast, indeed, just like the feasts moving throughout the year from summer to autumn, from winter to spring...

Hemingway had the most brilliant characterisation on the subject matter;

"You expected to be sad in the fall. Part of you died each year when the leaves fell from the trees and their branches were bare against the wind and the cold, wintry light. But you knew there would always be the spring, as you knew the river would flow again after it was frozen. When the cold rains kept on and killed the spring, it was as though a young person had died for no reason."

From
"The People of Seine / A Moveable Feast"

Ernest Hemingway

Lately...

Though many people tell that life is very simple; it becomes surprisingly complicated on certain occasions. Recently I recalled how firmly I decided to change my life utterly for about a year ago. But, now I found out that not much has changed even since. I live in the same city, same apartment, have the same job at the same company. Got the same worries and almost the same joys of life. Then I realised how hard it is to really "change" your life completely and start over. Those times, when you realise you have very little to do, the days tend to pass much slower and the nights become even much heavier.

In that state of mind, followed up a whole week, feeling depressed, I even haven’t been at the spring festival of the university. Nearly to the end of the festival, a surprise appeared out of nowhere and changed my mood for good even in two short days. At the end of these two days I suddenly found out that the grouchy expression lingered for the whole week on my face turned to a big grin and bright eyes. I admit that I have a strong refreshment in my condition. I also believe to have an unexpected restoration in my hopes for better...

An Old Piece of Writing on Life

Here's an old piece of writing on life that dates back to March 3th, 2005. As to keep its genuineness and not to change the sensation it creates, I hereby attach it in its original language.

"Hayat,
Upuzun, engebeli bir toprak yol bana göre...
Üzerinde adım adım ilerlerliyoruz bazen, bazen de parlak ışıkların peşinden koşuyoruz...
Hep yeni kavşaklar ve ayrımlarla karşılaşıyor, faklı hanlarda yeni "yolcu"lar tanıyoruz...
Yalnızlığımızla hüzünlenip gözyaşlarımızla ıslatıyoruz onu...
Ama hep bir şekilde umutlarımızla devam etme gücünü içimizde buluyoruz...
Sonu nereye varır, hangimiz biliyoruz ki?

Ramayana'da şu söz geçer:
'The Hidden Truth Supports Everything; Find It and Win!' (İng. çeviri)

Kim bilir, belki de gerçekten o gizli gerçeği bulan kazanır..."

Beautiful

A short piece of text from the brilliant novel of Toni Morrison called “The Bluest Eye”, which tells fragments of a story mainly from the 40’s of Ohio. The paragraph describes the feelings of three little black girls after their quarrel with a ‘beautiful’ and rich white girl named Maureen Peal ending with her humiliation of the black girls as being ugly.

...We walked quickly at first, and then slower, pausing every now and then to fasten garters, tie shoelaces, scratch, or examine old scars. We were sinking under the wisdom, accuracy, and relevance of Maureen’s last words. If she was cute – and if anything could be believed, she was – then we were not. And what did that mean? We were lesser. Nicer, brighter, but still lesser. Dolls we could destroy, but we could not destroy the honey voices of parents and aunts, the obedience in the eyes of our peers, the slippery light in the eyes of our teachers when they encountered the Maureen Peals of the world. What was the secret? What did we lack? Why was it important? And so what? Guileless without vanity, we were still in love with ourselves then. We felt comfortable in our skins, enjoyed the news that our senses released to us, admired our dirt, cultivated our scars, and could not comprehend this unworthiness. Jealousy we understood and thought natural – a desire to have what somebody else had; but envy was a strange new feeling for us. And all the time we knew that Maureen Peal was not the Enemy and not worthy of such intense hatred. The Thing to fear was the Thing that made her beautiful , and not us...

From
"The Bluest Eye" by
Toni Morrison (Nobel Prize for Literature '93)

Wish I Was a Bird

Blowing through Indian summer night sky
I'd fly straight to nowhere
But I'm grounded down here in the city
With these faces stern and pretty
And in the station where no one says a word

I wish I was a bird

If I listen to somebody speaking
I can only hear waves breaking
Out at the ocean
The wind whips every word

I wish I was a bird


Jesse Harris & The Ferdinandos
from "While The Music Lasts" (2004)

Silencio, Continua Por Favor!

Just walked through dimly lit empty streets under post-winter rain. My headphones were on, the music playing was the relaxing sound of Joan Baez... It was silence all around... and peace that was innocent of reason in my soul...

For the last few weeks I have been in an elusive state of peace. Being a person always in panic in times of disorderliness, I am quite surprised to see myself like that. I believe sometimes - even when things are rather unpredictable - everything becomes astonishingly peaceful. Silence, darkness, even loneliness contribute to this condition of lightness, smoothness.

As I say, it is amazingly beautiful to be in such a state of peace.
Therefore, I must say:
Silencio, continua por favor!...