Wish...

It's one of those moments that I dreadfully wish...
Wish that everyone I love to be near me...
Wish that noone leaves...
Wish that all will be better...
Wish I finally could have a decision...

Then I wish the first song to play in the media player to be the one I had in mind when I clicked it... Here it is, it is the one I wished for...

Wounds, Crusts & Scars

There comes the irresistable urge to peel the crust over the wound...

The crust: it seems very thick, dark, and strong on top of the wound. You always know that it is the indication of your wound's healing. One day it will just fall out by leaving no mark of the wound behind.

But, it starts to itch and burns inside. It provokes you to take it out. All you need is to find a crack on it and begin to peel it off slowly. With the peeling you realize how sensitive and fresh was the wound underneath. Then you realize that you have already known that before you attempted to peel. But, then it becomes too late to stop. You just need to finish what you started! You must take the whole crust out. Do it now! Do it, don't care about the pain and exposing the unhealed wound!

The crust is peeled... The wound is aching, becoming watery and even bleeding... You knew that it would be like that. You just couldn't resist...

Now, it's gonna leave a scar as well. A scar that carries the mark of your weakness. Your weakness to resist to temptation; your weakness to be patient...

The Day of Gratuitous Sorrows

Today is the day of gratuitous sorrows...
Today is the day to listen to sad songs with violins...
Today is an imaginary festival for all that's lost...

Just push play
And listen to the crying violin...
Imagine an unconscious man dancing in the water...
See how he floats, turns and moves...
A dark blue covering all the space around,
It gets darker still, as the man keeps dancing...

Have some regret today,
And a little resentment...
Because it's the day of gratuitous sorrows...
Close your eyes,
Feel the drowning man...
But, just realize in the end
"Everything is exactly the way it's meant to be"...
















The Picture by Janoosh :
http://janoosh.deviantart.com/art/Drowning-Man-62812677

Hiatus

Everything in my life seems to be in hiatus right now. Nothing new comes up, nothing changes... I believe I don't struggle now as much as I did in the past to survive and change direction. This silent state is slowly covering my days and nights. I just close my eyes and feel nothing at all.

It is indeed the pause I needed months ago. It's just come to me. Though not in the form I supposed it would be... It is much chaotic on the outside but that much placid on the inside.

I don't think it is one of those times when you keep on waiting for some specific event to happen and change the status to "currently active" from "hiatus". Actually this state does not involve hoping for such a thing to happen. It is the constant state that never indicates what's gonna happen in future...

However, I know it is temporary somehow. One of those periods to be passed through... Not necessarily be low or unpleasant; but only numb and without expectations...

The Chamber of Choices

The Chamber of Choices is always a round room. It never has corners or windows but has different number of doors. Because everyone has his/her own chamber of choices, the total number of doors changes according to the person. Some chambers have only two doors; some have numerous... But, the logic is always the same: "Entering the chamber from one door and leaving it through another".

For people whose chambers have only two doors, what to do is very easy. In fact, they get in from the entrance door, and upon entrance the only door they see is the other one. So, they do not get to decide and pass through the other door without any hesitation or regret.

It obviously becomes more and more complicated when the number of doors increases. For those who keep building doors in their chambers on and on again, the choice of exit turns into a kind of nightmare. Because the doors are only for one direction: once you leave the chamber from one door, you cannot get back and change decision. Since every door opens up to another chamber where there are other doors, one should choose wisely or suffer the consequences ahead.

What is really ironic about the chambers of choice is that you somehow have a very low chance of returning back to one of the previous chambers in time. However, the chamber being the same, the doors may have changed already. This once again makes the choices irreversible.

Some people have eyes open to the chamber of choice system. Some don't... Expectedly, the one's that cannot see the system are the same ones with two doors in each chamber. They either have no other choice in life to consider or they do not really care to build another door to create an alternative passage through the chamber. Does that situation really make them happy? In some cases, they are happy, indeed. But, once they discover a discontent about the "two-doors" situation, they either start building doors or go on passing through the doors to other chambers to desperately seek a chamber with multiple doors.

For the other type, the ones that have multi-doored chambers, the situation is quite different. Since those people have made habit of building doors to their chambers, they really can't get out of even sometimes from a single chamber. Everywhere they look, they see another door. And each door is in a different shape and style demonstrating their lead to different paths. Determined people in life know their style of door most of the time. So, if they knew that they are into large steel doors, they go with the large steel one always. Because they know what is behind it and what good will it bring to them. On the other hand, the flighty and indecisive ones always suffer during the choice of doors.

One thing to keep in mind for the chambers is not to have regret after opening a door. Because once you pass through it, you may not see it again. Therefore, regretting about the choice becomes worthless. Each chamber entered should be a brand new one with new things to choose and new past choices to forget...

The Fire Exit Sign

I desperately looked for the fire exit sign...

There was heavy smoke all around, all the files and folders were on fire... The bitter smell of burning plastic and wood mixed up in the air and blocked my lungs. There was nothing to see but only the walls to touch and find the way into the dark corridors. I tried to look around and see where I was, I tried to find an opening, like a window or door to take my head out. There was none. I rushed to the end of the corridor to get out through the fire exit. I desperately looked for the fire exit sign... But it wasn't visible, the sign was not lit. Because there was no electricity that day... And there was no fire at all... It was all just the heavy smoke of mind surrounding the deepest corners of my soul, trapping me in my office room.

I desperately looked for the fire exit sign once again... It was just in front of me and it was brightly lit... Damn, I still couldn't go out!...

Heart and Mind

It's one of those moments when I listen to Duncan Sheik again... Leads me into a world of fantasy... I am listening to what my heart says, in contrast with what my mind suggests... But it is always the sweeter words from the heart, aren't they? Your heart always tells you the easier to do, your mind leads to the path of thorns... At least mine have always done that. And I kept following what my mind has told me. But this time, for the first time in my life, I am tempted to do what my heart says... So in hesitation, so afraid but so willing...

Love Me For What I Am

"Love me for what i am" she said...
"Accept me with all my faults and dreams;
Don't try to change me just to make it please you...
I am what I want to be..."

" Love for what I am" he said...
"Just love me forever, that's all I want!"
"Accept me with all my choices, just don't disregard me"
"I am trying to be what others want me to be..."

The Local Transit Boat

Heart is like the local transit boat... It is always long departed before you realize you've left your cell phone in, buy another token and pass through the turnstiles once again...

Branches

Climbing a tree is interesting. You start with the largest and strongest branches... You hold the one at the bottom, pull yourself up and get on it. You always know the lowest braches are certainly comfortable and stable. They provide you with the feeling of security. But most of the time, most people look up and see higher branches. Those braches, though weaker and riskier, are always more tempting. Maybe because they are higher or more exciting, they keep constantly calling you up. You may listen to those voices and climb upper and upper... Sometimes you break some branches on the way up, sometimes you ignore them recklessly. When you reach the top, you shockingly realize that you are holding on to one of the tiniest braches, a twig perhaps, which will break eventually...

Are You Feeling Better Now?

...And the world may be long for you
But it'll never belong to you
But on a motorbike
When all the city lights
Blind your eyes tonight
Are you feeling better now?...

ref. Decemberists - Grace Cathedral Hill
(from the Album "Castaways and Cutouts")

Life In Slow Motion

Today, on my way back home from work, my car seemed to be going quite slow. Then I noticed the birds flying very slowly as well. I could distinguish the movement of their wings as they fly. Suddenly everything seemed to move in the slowest way possible. The road was never ending, people were moving in a slow motion, the traffic was flowing in the most peaceful way. Life resembled a short movie where everyone and everything tried not to create any kind of motion at all. My blood circulated slower in my body, my thoughts quietly disappeared. All that left was the sound of the music...

Life was in slow motion; but this time I never wished it to be hastier or livelier. I surrendered to the hermit inside. I felt the sweet taste of peace, the everlasting joy of isolation... The world was much brighter, the colours paler and the silence was integral...

Know Thyself!

Is there any proper way to understand yourself in deep?

Is there a chance to discover your true inner self and comprehend the source of your feelings and thoughts?

Is it possible to reveal your mind and make peace with the consequences?

I wonder how long I've been trying to discover inner true self. The other self than I show to the outside world. Much more fragile maybe, less stubborn or much determined... And I really don't know if there's any easier way to get to know yourself. Maybe it's never possible to understand what you are made of, why you really do the things you do... The desires, the unexplainable decisions, the unbearable burden of keeping things to yourself...

Perceptions

A couple of days ago I passed through a one way street with my car. Though I had passed through it many times before, I was surprised this time. It was the street where I had been before, many years ago, maybe when I was eleven...

The street seemed quite ordinary to me: two-three lanes, one way, parked cars on one side and etc. But, then I remembered how big it seemed to me years ago, like some boulevard instead of an ordinary street... Maybe it was because in car that the street seemed smaller; or it was because I was a child that the street had seemed larger. Anyway, it eventually reminded me the rule of perception. The physical conditions, emotions and passing years interfere with our perceptions of the environment and the events around.

Perhaps, years later the places I go, the things I do and the emotions I feel now will create different sensations in me.

This is nothing of an invention, I know, but I just wanted to share how empty I felt when I realized the ever changing perceptions of my mind. And, there's one other thing: I just wanted to remember one dear person to me, who will always be reminded me by that street... He's no longer alive now... May God rest his soul in peace...

Gnossienne No.4

Erik Satie playing in the background; sad melodies flowing in the air... Another year is ending, silently and slowly... Just like what has happened all throughout the year: waiting silently, losing slowly...

What is to remain at the very end is a little spoon full of hope. "Lick it and begin on a new one!" says an old man beside me. He has shiny brown eyes (but he says they're hazel), a white round beard and wrinkly face... I look at him and see my old age. Feeling lost I turn my head towards the screen and keep on writing. He grabs me on the shoulder and says: "Seriously, lick it and begin a new one! There's more to life than this..." I look at him once again, a shiny tear falls down my cheek and I keep on writing...

Ref. Erik Satie - Gnossienne No.4

In the Land of the Lions, Unicorns & Dragons

My hair's waving in the air, my nose and ears are in shades of scarlett red, my feet are long surrendered to cold and my skin is bitten by the freezing wind... But I am happy as hell... I am fascinated by the alternating bright lights, the brick walls, artistically carved stones, the statues, union jack flags, red buses, underground signs...

Then we enter a snack bar, grab some sandwiches and hot breakfast tea with milk. As I sat down behind the glass pane viewing the square, I feel the happiness and peace surrounding me. I look at the great plain square with the four big bronze lions and two artistically decorated fountains. In front of all that stands erect a high greek column with a statue of Nelson on top. Completing the marvellous view the magnificent building of the National Gallery takes place, so gracefully and so real...

The soft lights sparkling at the dusk are calling me into the very heart of this city. The chilly wind fills up my lungs with its essence. For a single moment I leave the life I own and conform with the idea of belonging to this misty city.

Then, I wish heartily to return to this city someday; not to visit once again but to return for good...

A Furious Writing

An old piece of writing I've recovered from the vault of my blog. It was written in a moment of fury. I never intended to publish it back then... Because I did not want the thing enraged me to gain some kind of a value with a published piece of writing. But now, I think it's time to release it, it does not help hiding anger somewhere deep inside anyway...


"I believe in a Divine Justice. A Justice that is to correct all mistakes made, give people what they deserve and judge them on what they really worth.

And I also believe that the biggest and the most unforgiveable sin that the Divine Justice shall never forgive is to break someone's heart...

I, myself have always tried hard not to break a single one. If I had, I am deeply, truly sorry for that.

Because of all that, I don't/won't forgive anyone that broke my heart recklessly! Never!"

October 20th, 2009

All The Tiredness

I have an unfinished novel in German on my bookshelf. I bought it months ago with an enthusiasm to read and revive my German. But, when I look at it now, all I see is dust on its cover and I realize my tiredness that hinder me even to reach and grab it.

I have coloured pastel pencils in my living room beside the easel that haven't been used for at least a year. I have new drawing projects to start, folders to be organised, bills to be payed... I still have hopes to be fulfilled...

But, amongst all these I feel terribly exhausted, gratuitously anxious, completely worn out...

Seasonal it must be... Or shall I say temporal? I am not quite sure of the type or the reason behind... Whether it's the result of current circumstances in my life or the cause lies deep inside me...
What I do notice is that everything around me somehow reminds me of the delayed plans, the lost hopes and all the tiredness I feel...

Now I notice the Spanish grammar book on the shelf. I bought it when I first beginned learning Italian. I was so eager to learn both that I tried to study them at the same time back then. I can't believe how energetic I was... Now, all I know is how empty the Spanish Grammar book seems to me; and how I failed to finish that German novel...

I have books everywhere, I have dreams amongst them, I have a bed I need to be in... A bed I never want to get out of... I guess what I should do is to take all those books and read them in it. And the dreams? They'll all reappear when I fall asleep...

Good night...

Norway

As a child fond of geography I remember shuffling through pages of geographical encyclopedias (yes, there was no internet back then!) but stopping at a very peculiar page amongst them. That was a page with a bright green-blue coloured photo of the fjords of Norway. I clearly recall the green mountainside meeting the dark blue ocean with an intricate shoreline. That was one of the most beautiful images I had ever seen back then. Ever since I dreamt about seeing the countryside and wild nature of Norway.


Recently, this time surfing through the internet (thanks to the development of technology!), I encountered several photos of Norway. Those four pictures instantly attract your attention and suck you into the fascinating nature. As soon as I saw them all I thought was to grab an anorak and winter boots and get on the next plane to Norway. The next thing to do would be to take a very long stroll on the lake shores and in the mountains. What a relief!



For those and many other images of Norway: http://lonelywolf2.deviantart.com/gallery/
Thanks for Lonelywolf2's brilliant work...

p.s. The image on the title of this blog is also from the same source.

The New Shoes

"Hey, I put some new shoes on,
And suddenly everything is right..." *

The lyrics of a pop-rock song. It seems that it hit the target for me. Yes, I do wanna put some new shoes on and suddenly feel everything's right! Maybe it's not the shoes but only myself to change in order to make everything right. Besides, the song's got nothing to do with my feelings, 'cause it literally talks about some new shoes. But to my perception, this pair of new shoes is the little miracle I expect to happen in a short while. I am not sure whether I should wait for this miracle; perhaps I should stick with my old shoes that were ripped around the seams... Anyway, I don't know how, don't know when; but I still do wait for it...

* Ref. The New Shoes - Paolo Nutini
from the album "These Streets" - 2006