Looking for Something That Remains the Same Among the Ones That Change

Almost everything has changed now.

And most of them in the way I wished so.

But, I feel something's wrong anyway...

It is so ironic that I am desperately looking for something that remains the same among all that changed. I am searching for an anchor to hold on to. Don't know why, but that wind of change is bothering me in a way I could never have imagined.

I guess, I cannot recognize myself anymore. I want everything to be solid and static; that, I hated for all my life. Maybe it's because of getting older. Or maybe a sister leaving home, two close friends moving to long distances caused this... And the ever-coming-back feeling of resentment...

For all those, I don't want anything to change again! At least not for a long while...

The Car Window

"For me, people are like the raindrops hitting the window of a car. Sometimes, as one drop slides down, it merges into another drop. Thus, getting stonger they move along faster... And, I merged into you, my love... But, people are cruel and wasteful. They act as if there's no end to anything. They don't even think of the driver's opening the window one day..."

From "Incir Receli" (2011)

by Aytac Agirlar

Hotel on Rue Saint-Martin

The sun has finally set. The sky's all dark, the weather's cool...

I look ahead, just accross my hotel room there's a Haussmann style French building. The mid floors with French type windows, the top one with narrow balcony, and there are five eaves at the topmost floor.

There are people in one of the middle floor flats. A little girl playing just near the coffee table in the middle. I can only see the legs and feet of the others sitting around from that height of my window. There's a bowl of fruit on the table and some wine. The talk seems relaxing and fun; people are laid back, recumbent. Fills me with warmth inside. Two floors above there's no light. The topmost eaves all belong to different people. At the second one, there's a young guy sitting at the sill. Back on one wall, the legs are bent to the body, drinking something... The third one has clothes hanging on the sill to dry up; but they aren't gonna, the rain's near. The fifth one has two guys leaning towards the front from the sill, checking out the street, or just chatting, who knows?

I just stare at the building, the windows, the narrow street just below and the connecting big road on the right, Rue Saint Martin... I can't believe once again, I'm breathing in Paris!

from the Paris journey 14-19th July

Goodbye

You constantly complain on the bore of living in the same city for years.

You discuss the temptation of leaving all behind and start a new life...

You talk about all the new opportunites, all you could gain with new horizons ahead...

Then, one of you leaves... And you stay...

Then the whole concept of leaving becomes a whole big void for you.

'Cause it's 'the leaving' you wanted to be a part of, not 'the being stuck'...

Though you know it's for the best for you to stay for now, you unconsciously look for your escape from the maze. Maybe it's because of the fear of losing someone; or the unease of the changes to be faced after that intense a relationship... No matter why, the feeling of loneliness, the sense of stagnation seem to stay with you for a little while longer...

Goodbye! Have a nice journey: for today and for the long one ahead...

Reminiscence

Sometimes, a simple word, not even heard but only written, could make you feel nothing has changed...

Our connection to present is mostly kept with our struggle with the changes in our lives and their immediate daily effects. As time passes, we sometimes lose track of what happened in the past or how much time has passed over certain events. But life is movable, it is dynamic in everyway; so , it brings out new possibilities and reminds you of all the past events in time. As you remember those you regret, or have forgotten; you might kinda feel defenceless.

Anyhow, sometimes a song, a movie, a picture, a piece of hadwriting on an old notebook cover can tell you that nothing actually has changed; everything stayed the same. All will resume right from where you left them once you just click the button.

Update

I've been neglecting this blog lately. It's not just an admittance or a search for an excuse; but it is indeed a discovery of how I neglected many things in my life recently. Drawing, Italian, reading, tennis and many others... In search for a literal excuse for not spending time for these, I found myself facing the fact that I somehow am losing my desires. My desire to do all these things that I loved once... My desire to learn, to experience... Even my desire to change the course of things, change routines, change monotony...

I've been simply "living" for the last several months. Neither caring for things to come, nor constructing plans... It doesn't mean I lost my total interest in life, but I prefer easier choices. Simpler and unwinding roads are the ones I choose nowadays. The ones that are less tiresome, the ones that do not cause great troubles nor bring the best prizes though. But, at the end of the day, I really feel FINE...

Government

Government cannot be religious and self-assertive at the same time. Religious experience needs a spontaneity which laws inevitably suppress. And you cannot govern without laws. Your laws eventually must replace morality, replace conscience, replace even the religion by which you think to govern. sacred ritual must spring from praise and holy yearnings which hammer out a significant morality. Government, on the other hand, is a cultural organism particularly attractive to doubts, questions and contentions.

from "The Dune Messiah" by Frank Herbert

Life Is Full Of Surprises

There are three sayings I believe in life. One of them is: "Life is full of surprises".

This week it was confirmed once again. Some unexpected news on deteriorating situations got me quite low on Monday morning. However, surprisingly, before the afternoon, I received surprisingly good news on new opportunities. It was as if my monthly horoscope was fit into one single day.

Within the same day, I worried a lot and got suprisingly excited. It was a day full of emotions but it taught lessons as well. I realized once again that once you have some change in your life, good or bad, you should wait for it to settle, to gain shape. Then you got to decide on your decisions and plans seeing what it became and where it would lead you. Hasty decisions and empty worries just wear you out for no reason.

Still learning with experience...

Wish Something From the New Year!

What do people wish from the upcoming new year?

Happiness, more money, love, joy, excitement or success are probably the wishes with the highest rankings. But I believe what is to be asked from a new year should be the capacity and ability to judge. To judge the last year you've gone through and analyse your mistakes and setbacks that hindered your desires or cancelled your plans. Too much technical a wish; but I believe that works out the best, at least for me now!...

Birthday With Tears

Two birthday celebrations this year...

Both beforehand...

Both with tears in the eyes...

One out of happiness, the other out of a mix of worry and sentiment...

But both creating warmth in my heart.

I had a different birthday wish this year, a specifically defined one.

We'll see if it comes true...

Religion and Politics

"When religion and politics travel in the same cart, riders believe nothing can stand in their way. Their movement becomes headlong - faster and faster and faster. They put aside all thought of obstacles and forget that a precipice does not show itself to the man in a bland rush until it's too late."

A 'Bene Geserit' Proverb

ref. From "Dune" by Frank Herbert

The Little Blue Diamond

A little piece of gem, a little blue diamond... It brightened up my whole day. It reminded me how little my worries worth... It reminded me how less I should care about the course the things going on in my life... It told me why I should leave all up to faith and let go with the flow...

Stray Dog

I saw a stray dog on the street as I was coming back home tonight. He was just beside my car standing on the sidewalk. A young black dog, his black fur and beige coloured legs covered in mud, wet all over. He was taking little steps and then stopping again in daze, certainly not walking. What he particularly did was to look at the people passing by in despair. His black eyes were following the people but then turning away and looking at a distant horizon; seemed like looking for something, or somewhere to go. Maybe he was searching a way home; maybe he was even looking for a home, someone to take him and look after. I felt a sullen mercy. I'd be lying if I say I didn't think to get him in the car for a moment.

What was so striking about that stray dog? That I cannot clearly explain. But, I guess it was the feeling it created in me. The feeling of being lost, the state of looking for a shelter; looking for someone to take me home, wash me, comb me, feed me up... Yes, I was that stray dog that was looking for a direction, a way home, a way to feel safe and sheltered, a way to a happy and bright future. That instant I desperately needed someone to take care of me, to show me the way...

I was that stray dog...

She's Mine But I'm Not Hers

I walked into my office after lunch today. I had kept the music playing as I left. When I entered, soft piano notes started to echo in the room. The melody took me into a melancholic ambience. Then the words began:

"There was a time when I was playing rough

But nowadays I take it sort of cool
Why do I feel this way
I don't wanna be alone
She's mine but I'm not hers"

It was Jay-Jay Johanson's song "She's Mine But I'm Not Hers" on a platonic love. It reminded me of the platonic loves I had. Though I'm not platonically in love with anyone at the moment I felt myself trapped in the sad story of the song. I can't imagine how I would feel if I had one...

And the song goes on:

"Everytime we meet it's wonderful
And though she only loves me as a friend
I always want to see her
But I hate to say goodbye
She's mine but I'm not hers

She's mine, she's mine
She's mine but I'm not hers..."

ref. "She's Mine But I'm Not Hers" by Jay-Jay Johanson

from the album "Tattoo" 1998

The Grave and The Rain

She kneeled beside the grave that was closed a couple of minutes ago. She touched the flowers on top. A few shiny tears fell from her cheeks onto the earth covering the grave. As she stood up and walked slowly towards the people waiting her, all she thought was how dry the earth was, how bare all around. On the way back as it started raining, the feeling of refreshment covered her soul. The earth would be much wetter and fresh then. But resentment stroke all of a sudden; the resentment of leaving her beloved father all alone getting wet under all that soil and dirt...

You're Still A Child

When do you realize that you're still a little child?

When you're with someone older than you?

When all the others make all the "mature talks" about life?

Or is it the time when you find yourself listening to the old pop songs feeling the beat inside and wanting to dance around crazily?

Or the time when everyone keeps giving you advices on life, choices, paths and desires??

The Dash

The dates of birth and death are always written on a gravestone with a dash in between. In fact, that little "dash" is what we call "life". Everything that is lived through, everything that passed by are summarised in that little sign.

So, for what we become happy, for what we cry or worry; we all steal something from the dashes: our lives...


p.s. Inspired by A.Serdaroglu's words

Let's Go Away

Let's go away from this place,
Go to a far far away land.
Should destroy everything behind,
And get them all new on the way
To build up once again
Right from the very start...

Let's have the best escape plan together
With no arrangements at all.
Our maps laid on the table,
Deciding where to head
With the pointing of our fingers
On the most random spots...

Let's pack our bags carelessly
Taking only useless things along,
Forgetting about all the photographs
And writings on the walls.
They'll come with us anyway
For our memories still linger on...

Let's leave this city
At the break of dawn.
The cool gale chilling us,
Dogs barking on the streets.
A tender feeling in our hearts
With shiny tears flowing on the cheeks...


To a beloved friend and to all escapes...

Happiness Is Never Grand

"... Actual happiness always looks pretty squalid in comparison with the over-compensations for misery. And, of course, stability isn't nearly so spectacular as instability. And being contented has none of the glamour of a good fight against misfortune, none of the picturesqueness of a struggle with temptation, or fatal overthrown by passion or doubt. Happiness is never grand."

ref. Brave New World - Aldous Huxley

Go / Went / Gone

I said goodbye to someone leaving last night.
He had two big pieces of luggage, a backpack and a laptop...
But, I believe his heart was not that loaded with the heavy burden of stability like mine...
I said "goodbye", he said "we'll see each other again"...
I left for home, he stayed sitting there at the bench.
Actually he was the one leaving, not me...

Now I'm waiting for another friend of mine to leave in a couple of months.
I don't think I will feel any different than I had yesterday.
He's gonna go away; I'm gonna stay.
And I'm gonna feel the bitter pain of standing where I am, where I was.

All I can think about right now is to leave, to go away.
Even without any luggage, without any money, without expectations...
And I keep repeating the verb conjugation: Go, Went, Gone...