Beautiful

A short piece of text from the brilliant novel of Toni Morrison called “The Bluest Eye”, which tells fragments of a story mainly from the 40’s of Ohio. The paragraph describes the feelings of three little black girls after their quarrel with a ‘beautiful’ and rich white girl named Maureen Peal ending with her humiliation of the black girls as being ugly.

...We walked quickly at first, and then slower, pausing every now and then to fasten garters, tie shoelaces, scratch, or examine old scars. We were sinking under the wisdom, accuracy, and relevance of Maureen’s last words. If she was cute – and if anything could be believed, she was – then we were not. And what did that mean? We were lesser. Nicer, brighter, but still lesser. Dolls we could destroy, but we could not destroy the honey voices of parents and aunts, the obedience in the eyes of our peers, the slippery light in the eyes of our teachers when they encountered the Maureen Peals of the world. What was the secret? What did we lack? Why was it important? And so what? Guileless without vanity, we were still in love with ourselves then. We felt comfortable in our skins, enjoyed the news that our senses released to us, admired our dirt, cultivated our scars, and could not comprehend this unworthiness. Jealousy we understood and thought natural – a desire to have what somebody else had; but envy was a strange new feeling for us. And all the time we knew that Maureen Peal was not the Enemy and not worthy of such intense hatred. The Thing to fear was the Thing that made her beautiful , and not us...

From
"The Bluest Eye" by
Toni Morrison (Nobel Prize for Literature '93)

Wish I Was a Bird

Blowing through Indian summer night sky
I'd fly straight to nowhere
But I'm grounded down here in the city
With these faces stern and pretty
And in the station where no one says a word

I wish I was a bird

If I listen to somebody speaking
I can only hear waves breaking
Out at the ocean
The wind whips every word

I wish I was a bird


Jesse Harris & The Ferdinandos
from "While The Music Lasts" (2004)

Silencio, Continua Por Favor!

Just walked through dimly lit empty streets under post-winter rain. My headphones were on, the music playing was the relaxing sound of Joan Baez... It was silence all around... and peace that was innocent of reason in my soul...

For the last few weeks I have been in an elusive state of peace. Being a person always in panic in times of disorderliness, I am quite surprised to see myself like that. I believe sometimes - even when things are rather unpredictable - everything becomes astonishingly peaceful. Silence, darkness, even loneliness contribute to this condition of lightness, smoothness.

As I say, it is amazingly beautiful to be in such a state of peace.
Therefore, I must say:
Silencio, continua por favor!...

Farewell to the Greens

Life is all about different phases following each other, and the all transitions in between...
A phase begins with an exciting and joyful event sometimes, or with some hesisation, or even with a total disaster on some occasions. It may also end with a dramatic event as well. Sometimes it begins and ends in silence. But, the phases which are recalled even after many years are the ones that commence or end with a significant event or change of condition.

What is between those phases are the transitions. Some are quite short, even unnoticable, on the other hand some become like whole new "semi-phases", which keeps you waiting, sometimes to allow you to prepare yourself for the next phase ahead.

In those semi-phases, you just wait for the next part of life to start. It may become hard to control what is likely to happen or change the course. Those semi-phases are the ones that put a lot of burden onto the shoulders and cause quite a lot of anxiety. Of course, this is all about what is expected to happen on the next phase.

This ridiculuosly detailed explanation on my definition of "life phases" is written just for one simple purpose. I'm in one of those transitions (aka semi-phases) at the very moment. I'm not sure what will happen next, and what'll I got to do to make it clear. What I'm aware of is that I am about to leave most of the habits that affect my life style behind. On the next phase there will be whole other things, which I am not capable of foreseeing for the time being.

I understand it all too clear;
It's not just a Farewell to the 'Greens' only...
This is a farewell to the most recent phase of my life...

Leaving Is Easy

Leaving is easy...
Leaving the city you live in...
Leaving all the people behind, the troubles and all unsolved problems...
Going your own way without any hesitation on starting out again...

Ending is easy but weak as well...
Ending a discussion in a vicious circle...
Ending a relationship on quicksand, a dissappointing friendship...

What is really hard is to stay...
To stay and fight back...
To fight back against the troubles, to solve the problems...
To worry about what lies ahead...

To stay is the stronger on the other hand...
To make up, to embrace with trust, to forgive and start all over again...

Leaving is easy; what is hard is to stay...

The New Year and Resolutions

I guess I have given up having new year's resolutions long ago... First of all, the new year's day is just an ordinary day, like any other day of the year... Then, why wait for a special day to come to begin changing your life for good? Sounds like very optimistic, I know, but it is true, ain't it? It also sounds quite mature for me to say that. But, I think I, myself, have changed a lot over the last few years. Maybe it's all 'bout getting older. Don't know for sure, but what I really do know is that I do not care for new resolutions of a new year.

Recently recovered from a very intense academic study period and jumped into a bunch of social/cultural acitivities, I now cannot have any special time for myself these days. Italian, Spanish, Salsa Dancing, Primavera, decisions on the approaching future career, blah blah... So many things to conduct, so much to deal with... However, I know I become myself with all those to cope with. I guess I love living a life full of activities or at least with things to worry about...

With all those in my life recently, I really do not time to daydream, or hope, or wish for new things to happen or new resolutions to take. Or maybe I am realy tired of doing all those. Who knows... ;)

A new year to come, a new year to celebrate. Pure like the first cry of a baby, seems innocent as it could be...
But, it is in fact just another simple year... to live through...

Missing

Just passed the thesis defence I'm feeling so relieved... Besides, everything seems to be going quite allright... But, deep down somewhere, something feels like missing...

Happiness

Happiness cannot be reached through success, money, fame or love...
Happiness is just a matter between you and yourself alone.

Of Life and Hell

One of my friends once had a strange but somehow reasonable point of view for hell. She believed that it could be possible that we all are living in hell now... She supposed that living here on earth as a mortal being, and knowing that someday you’re gonna die and lose everything you own forever, is the real hell... That is to say, living a predetermined life that is bound to end in bitterness... Maybe that oughta be the torment for our sins in a past life...

Just imagine what to lose... Losing your family, friends, the people you love, losing all your memories, losing all the things you own, losing all your pleasures, and even losing your breath, the touch of fresh air forever... Losing all about “life”...

Maybe that’s the real “hell”... Who knows?

Just believe...!

Phocaea

Been here in Foça for the last two days...
Foça is surely a splendid place... But it felt empty without you...
It seemed as if you would suddenly appear coming towards me as I wandered in the streets. I wanted to stop by your house and check out the lights. For just a single moment I intended to grab my phone, call you and say "Here I am..."

In the end, not surprisingly, what I realized was that Foça meant you to me. And then, I got mad at you once more, for you have left and gone so far away, etc. etc...

Canım benim, I hope we will be together once again in Phocaea...
I missed you so much.

Caria

I have returned from a trip to Muğla yesterday. It was an official military mission for observation and investigation of the region. But somehow, quite surprisingly, it turned to a 'compact' holiday to the Menteşe Region, with the ancient name "Caria".

It is hard to imagine but I have been to Muğla, Akyaka/Gökova, Köyceğiz, Göcek, Dalyan, Marmaris, Hisarönü, Bozburun, Bodrum, Yalıkavak, Türkbükü and Milas in two days. The most unbelievable of all is that I did that as I was delivering my 'obligatory' military duty. I even had the chance to swim. If someone had told me before that I would do all these "in the army", I would have laughed at him/her with a response of "Stop kidding me!".

Altough it was hotter than hell for the whole trip, and we were travelling with a vehicle without air-conditioning, it was awesome to see all those places in the summer time. I had already seen most of the places before; but, in fact, some of them would be hard for me to go and visit by myself. For example, Bozburun is located in a small cove, surrounded by high mountains and capes. The road to Bozburun is also very winding, so it has a quite unpleasant access. But the nature I have seen there was so amazing that even the worst journey is worth to take to see it.



In addition, it was my first time in Göcek. I was fascinated by the beauty of the view. The marina hosts many luxurious boats, yachts which astonishes you from the very first moment you see them.


It was, once again, the sweetest thing to see the İztuzu Beach in Dalyan. The wonderful view of the combination of the lagoon, the river and the green-blue waters of the Mediterannean always charms me.


One other thing is that I had to chance to swim. Sweating from the extreme heat and the intense road trip, whole day I dreamt of swimming at the end of the day. When we were having dinner by the bright sea under the moon, I was determined enough to get up earliest in the morning and swim. In the early hours of the next morning, quite eagerly I got up, put on my swimming suit and rushed to the sea. It was not the best sea I swum in, but the feeling of the cool water flowing was so marvellous that it meant the world to me at that moment. Later that day, I learnt that the region, Hisarönü, is the location where the waters of the Mediterrannean meet the Aegen Sea; and that made it more special.

The last stop of the trip was Bodrum. Being there by itself was enough for me to be happy for the whole trip. The place I stayed the night was on one of the highest hills of the city. So, it had the amazing view of the whole city with the neighbouring suburbs. The Bodrum Castle, all the coves, the nearby islands (even the Kos), the white-house-covered hills were all in my sight from my balcony. Even wandering in the streets of the city in the night could not satisfy me as that view did.


Considering all the places I been to, all the beauty I witnessed; I believe, we live in
the most beautiful country of all. We'd better be in the know of it...

At The Funeral

I was at one of the martyr funerals we watched in today's evening news. I was a 'green one' in Kocatepe, among all the 'greens', 'whites' and 'indigos' with shiny stars and wreaths on shoulders. There, waiting under the bright sun, I was just a man who is standing still and the other was another man but lying in a wooden casket and will never be standing under the sun again...

Whether you support the ideas or not, in a martyr funeral, every single word cried out loud by the people around penetrates deep into your soul.

When I salute the coffin passing by me, although I try to keep my facial expression straight, my inner sorrow tells me to shout out loud: "Why do all these happen'"... Then a heavy funeral march starts. I look at the eyes of the people around, some beginned to grow tears... As I walk along with the crowd, I try to put some meaning... To my life, to his life, to his death...

What You're Really Worth To Me

"No matter how strong
I'm gonna take you down
With one little stone
I'm gonna break you down
And see what you're worth
What you're really worth to me"

Do we all have the courage to really
see what our beloved ones worth to
us?

(lyrics from Dinner At Eight
by Rufus Wainwright
on the Album Want One)

One Minute Silence For All The Lost Times*

Let’s just keep it quite for one single minute;
For paying a tribute to all the times we missed in our lifetimes...
For all the times we regretted to spend in the blink of an eye, so carelessly...
For all the times we ever wished to come back and live once again...
Let’s just keep our mouths shut, lips sealed for a minute;
For all lost times of our beloved little lives...

*Inspired by the words on “Gocce the Intellectual”s personal OM page.

New

There's no such thing as "beginning a new life". Certainly we all have one life to live, and it goes a long way, somehow straight or winding. But, it is also quite certain that life changes its course and structure in time. This, most of us regard as a "new life". Maybe it gives you peace to begin a new one when the 'ex' one had recently made you feel awful enough.

No new life exists; however life do refreshes itself... Recovers from severe situations, regenerates its path, and builds out a new direction, even destination. thus, the things around you, the conditions, the impressions on your mind, your vision of living change in accordance with this renewal process.

Sometimes you perceive this refreshment at the moment you are living within. But, there are also times when not even a single detail changed is noticed. It is what makes the difference when you understand the twist in your life.

Why do I mention all these? Because in the last few months I have experienced this kind of a change in my own life. I just started a "refreshed" life... This time I do know what really 'change of life' means...

The First Exhibition

My graphical works in ink are being displayed for five days during this week in an exhibition. Yesterday I was at the coctail lounge. I cannot describe how special it felt inside, to complete one piece of work and introduce it to people.

I vividly remember when I got the first large piece of "schoeller" and started from the first stracth. Then the figures appeared one by one: the faces, the bodies; the small leaves on the branches, all boundaries in black bright ink...

One other thing I recall is that, I was quite doubtful on the successful completion of the work. Ink was some material which I was not familiar with; besides it required delicate and careful work and much effort than any other drawing styles. But, in the end, when the three graphical drawings were complete, I was flattered upon seeing the beauty in the work and hearing all the good words from the people around.

Yesterday at the exhibition, I was so proud of myself. I guess only the people that produce, create, design or compose artistically can really understand what I felt deep inside. It is much more than to explain in words of pride, joy or pleasure.

I will not be modest and disdain my work; I regard myself as born gifted. It is so special to be able to create and produce; I am now dying to create more stuff to work on. I hope all my future work will be displayed in many other galleries... Years would pass, and, with a smile on my face, I would then had a vision of that very first date my work was on display...

Impressions of a New World

I am in Doha/Qatar for a couple of days this week. This will be a short writing on observations in a new environment. There is so much to talk about when you've been in a different country with a different culture. But I won't comment on anything about the buildings or the city etc. What I found striking here is that the social status of people. The city is full of people from different cultures. You can see all the colours of the world. The local Qatari people: the Arabs, the expatriates from the different countries: European, American and Turkish etc; and the worker class, Indians, Philippine, Pakistani, Nepali and the Africans. As I have observed and utterly decided, here there exists an unofficial caste system, just like in India. The people here all know what they are and are quite aware of what has given them their social status in this small society.

The Qatari are wearing those long white loose robes, with the untied turban-like fabrics on their heads; rarely seen on the street walking, with their heads up, even when crossing the street, never looking right or left, passing by with an arrogant posture. The Indians, Pakistani and the Philippine are working in the city or at the construction sites at low-class jobs, with salaries even the less-paid person in Turkiye would never be willing to work for. For most of them, their only chance to survival is right here, doing what is said to be done, and not caring about the clothes they wear, the style of their hair, the colour of the new shoes or even life itself. However, most of them seem quite happy with what they have, especially the Philippine. I sensed and observed that as I had a little chit chat with the Philippine maid cleaning my guestroom. She had the silent and timid moves, even lead me to think that she is afraid of me.

I must admit, I do pity for those people here. And it made me see how lucky I am and how much I bother for the little things in my life. Those people do not even have anything to complain about. They live only with their basic physical needs satisfied.

Feeling what racism is really about is easy here, finding out all the unbearable attitudes and differences of people. But I believe that those people were not given any chance to choose where to begin their lives and where to end. Their only gratitude is to keep on living, to survive whatever the circumstances may be…

The Birthday Spirit

This week is the "Traditional Birthday Week of Özgün". Tonight I'll be celebrating it with a gathering with all my close friends in Ankara. I feel a bit excited of course, but I do think that the spirit in me that adored birthdays and celebrations has faded out a little bit. Maybe that must be the "spell of aging". To lose your excitement and enthusiasm on the things you have kept precious in the past. I won't go into the same "the times are changing, we all grow old, blah blah..." cliché, but I have to admit that I am losing some of my belief in special occasions. Perhaps I won't be feeling eager to celebrate the New Year's Day. Let's just wait and see...

Pure Melancholia

I am lost in an intense pure melancholy these days. The sorrow that had been long delayed has just knocked on my door. I did not persist not to open the door and let her in. From the very beginning I knew what would happen, like I had in the past. But, some things are irresistable.

Now, I feel all will be over upon a lonesome cry. A cry from the past to the future. A cry that would wipe away all the gloom and refresh the hope inside...
How ironic it is to realize that a single tear shed is what you need when your eyes are bone dry.

I have been listening to "Jane Birkin - Comment Te Dire Adieu" these few weeks. I guess it takes a little share from my inner sorrow and fills that space with a little peace. The arabesque rythym and melody covers my whole body and lifts it off the ground. She wants to learn how to say goodbye in that song... So do I... However, it is not possible to say goodbye to everything...

One last thing is about the "Life is full of surprises" saying. Yes, life does keep bringing out new surprises for me. Some I even never thought about. And like most of'em, the last one will hurt a little in the end. So, I am all prepared for it... For not to lose my fortitude against new ones on the way...

Change

Last night I was told that my cousin had a baby. I reached out to the phone and called her immediately. As I congratulate her and say how happy I was, I just felt an infinite moment of joy and excitement. That was my one year old younger cousin I was congratulating on a new born baby. Then I remembered last month when my other cousin (one month old elder than me) getting married. Then I realized how my life is on a whirling wind of change. I was just stepping on to the beginning of it. Sometime later I would be to congratulate more people at my age on weddings, births, anniversaries... And someday it would be me to be congratulated... Life is changing continuously and it is impossible to cast yourself aside.