The Fire Exit Sign

I desperately looked for the fire exit sign...

There was heavy smoke all around, all the files and folders were on fire... The bitter smell of burning plastic and wood mixed up in the air and blocked my lungs. There was nothing to see but only the walls to touch and find the way into the dark corridors. I tried to look around and see where I was, I tried to find an opening, like a window or door to take my head out. There was none. I rushed to the end of the corridor to get out through the fire exit. I desperately looked for the fire exit sign... But it wasn't visible, the sign was not lit. Because there was no electricity that day... And there was no fire at all... It was all just the heavy smoke of mind surrounding the deepest corners of my soul, trapping me in my office room.

I desperately looked for the fire exit sign once again... It was just in front of me and it was brightly lit... Damn, I still couldn't go out!...

Heart and Mind

It's one of those moments when I listen to Duncan Sheik again... Leads me into a world of fantasy... I am listening to what my heart says, in contrast with what my mind suggests... But it is always the sweeter words from the heart, aren't they? Your heart always tells you the easier to do, your mind leads to the path of thorns... At least mine have always done that. And I kept following what my mind has told me. But this time, for the first time in my life, I am tempted to do what my heart says... So in hesitation, so afraid but so willing...

Love Me For What I Am

"Love me for what i am" she said...
"Accept me with all my faults and dreams;
Don't try to change me just to make it please you...
I am what I want to be..."

" Love for what I am" he said...
"Just love me forever, that's all I want!"
"Accept me with all my choices, just don't disregard me"
"I am trying to be what others want me to be..."

The Local Transit Boat

Heart is like the local transit boat... It is always long departed before you realize you've left your cell phone in, buy another token and pass through the turnstiles once again...

Branches

Climbing a tree is interesting. You start with the largest and strongest branches... You hold the one at the bottom, pull yourself up and get on it. You always know the lowest braches are certainly comfortable and stable. They provide you with the feeling of security. But most of the time, most people look up and see higher branches. Those braches, though weaker and riskier, are always more tempting. Maybe because they are higher or more exciting, they keep constantly calling you up. You may listen to those voices and climb upper and upper... Sometimes you break some branches on the way up, sometimes you ignore them recklessly. When you reach the top, you shockingly realize that you are holding on to one of the tiniest braches, a twig perhaps, which will break eventually...

Are You Feeling Better Now?

...And the world may be long for you
But it'll never belong to you
But on a motorbike
When all the city lights
Blind your eyes tonight
Are you feeling better now?...

ref. Decemberists - Grace Cathedral Hill
(from the Album "Castaways and Cutouts")

Life In Slow Motion

Today, on my way back home from work, my car seemed to be going quite slow. Then I noticed the birds flying very slowly as well. I could distinguish the movement of their wings as they fly. Suddenly everything seemed to move in the slowest way possible. The road was never ending, people were moving in a slow motion, the traffic was flowing in the most peaceful way. Life resembled a short movie where everyone and everything tried not to create any kind of motion at all. My blood circulated slower in my body, my thoughts quietly disappeared. All that left was the sound of the music...

Life was in slow motion; but this time I never wished it to be hastier or livelier. I surrendered to the hermit inside. I felt the sweet taste of peace, the everlasting joy of isolation... The world was much brighter, the colours paler and the silence was integral...

Know Thyself!

Is there any proper way to understand yourself in deep?

Is there a chance to discover your true inner self and comprehend the source of your feelings and thoughts?

Is it possible to reveal your mind and make peace with the consequences?

I wonder how long I've been trying to discover inner true self. The other self than I show to the outside world. Much more fragile maybe, less stubborn or much determined... And I really don't know if there's any easier way to get to know yourself. Maybe it's never possible to understand what you are made of, why you really do the things you do... The desires, the unexplainable decisions, the unbearable burden of keeping things to yourself...

Perceptions

A couple of days ago I passed through a one way street with my car. Though I had passed through it many times before, I was surprised this time. It was the street where I had been before, many years ago, maybe when I was eleven...

The street seemed quite ordinary to me: two-three lanes, one way, parked cars on one side and etc. But, then I remembered how big it seemed to me years ago, like some boulevard instead of an ordinary street... Maybe it was because in car that the street seemed smaller; or it was because I was a child that the street had seemed larger. Anyway, it eventually reminded me the rule of perception. The physical conditions, emotions and passing years interfere with our perceptions of the environment and the events around.

Perhaps, years later the places I go, the things I do and the emotions I feel now will create different sensations in me.

This is nothing of an invention, I know, but I just wanted to share how empty I felt when I realized the ever changing perceptions of my mind. And, there's one other thing: I just wanted to remember one dear person to me, who will always be reminded me by that street... He's no longer alive now... May God rest his soul in peace...

Gnossienne No.4

Erik Satie playing in the background; sad melodies flowing in the air... Another year is ending, silently and slowly... Just like what has happened all throughout the year: waiting silently, losing slowly...

What is to remain at the very end is a little spoon full of hope. "Lick it and begin on a new one!" says an old man beside me. He has shiny brown eyes (but he says they're hazel), a white round beard and wrinkly face... I look at him and see my old age. Feeling lost I turn my head towards the screen and keep on writing. He grabs me on the shoulder and says: "Seriously, lick it and begin a new one! There's more to life than this..." I look at him once again, a shiny tear falls down my cheek and I keep on writing...

Ref. Erik Satie - Gnossienne No.4

In the Land of the Lions, Unicorns & Dragons

My hair's waving in the air, my nose and ears are in shades of scarlett red, my feet are long surrendered to cold and my skin is bitten by the freezing wind... But I am happy as hell... I am fascinated by the alternating bright lights, the brick walls, artistically carved stones, the statues, union jack flags, red buses, underground signs...

Then we enter a snack bar, grab some sandwiches and hot breakfast tea with milk. As I sat down behind the glass pane viewing the square, I feel the happiness and peace surrounding me. I look at the great plain square with the four big bronze lions and two artistically decorated fountains. In front of all that stands erect a high greek column with a statue of Nelson on top. Completing the marvellous view the magnificent building of the National Gallery takes place, so gracefully and so real...

The soft lights sparkling at the dusk are calling me into the very heart of this city. The chilly wind fills up my lungs with its essence. For a single moment I leave the life I own and conform with the idea of belonging to this misty city.

Then, I wish heartily to return to this city someday; not to visit once again but to return for good...

A Furious Writing

An old piece of writing I've recovered from the vault of my blog. It was written in a moment of fury. I never intended to publish it back then... Because I did not want the thing enraged me to gain some kind of a value with a published piece of writing. But now, I think it's time to release it, it does not help hiding anger somewhere deep inside anyway...


"I believe in a Divine Justice. A Justice that is to correct all mistakes made, give people what they deserve and judge them on what they really worth.

And I also believe that the biggest and the most unforgiveable sin that the Divine Justice shall never forgive is to break someone's heart...

I, myself have always tried hard not to break a single one. If I had, I am deeply, truly sorry for that.

Because of all that, I don't/won't forgive anyone that broke my heart recklessly! Never!"

October 20th, 2009

All The Tiredness

I have an unfinished novel in German on my bookshelf. I bought it months ago with an enthusiasm to read and revive my German. But, when I look at it now, all I see is dust on its cover and I realize my tiredness that hinder me even to reach and grab it.

I have coloured pastel pencils in my living room beside the easel that haven't been used for at least a year. I have new drawing projects to start, folders to be organised, bills to be payed... I still have hopes to be fulfilled...

But, amongst all these I feel terribly exhausted, gratuitously anxious, completely worn out...

Seasonal it must be... Or shall I say temporal? I am not quite sure of the type or the reason behind... Whether it's the result of current circumstances in my life or the cause lies deep inside me...
What I do notice is that everything around me somehow reminds me of the delayed plans, the lost hopes and all the tiredness I feel...

Now I notice the Spanish grammar book on the shelf. I bought it when I first beginned learning Italian. I was so eager to learn both that I tried to study them at the same time back then. I can't believe how energetic I was... Now, all I know is how empty the Spanish Grammar book seems to me; and how I failed to finish that German novel...

I have books everywhere, I have dreams amongst them, I have a bed I need to be in... A bed I never want to get out of... I guess what I should do is to take all those books and read them in it. And the dreams? They'll all reappear when I fall asleep...

Good night...

Norway

As a child fond of geography I remember shuffling through pages of geographical encyclopedias (yes, there was no internet back then!) but stopping at a very peculiar page amongst them. That was a page with a bright green-blue coloured photo of the fjords of Norway. I clearly recall the green mountainside meeting the dark blue ocean with an intricate shoreline. That was one of the most beautiful images I had ever seen back then. Ever since I dreamt about seeing the countryside and wild nature of Norway.


Recently, this time surfing through the internet (thanks to the development of technology!), I encountered several photos of Norway. Those four pictures instantly attract your attention and suck you into the fascinating nature. As soon as I saw them all I thought was to grab an anorak and winter boots and get on the next plane to Norway. The next thing to do would be to take a very long stroll on the lake shores and in the mountains. What a relief!



For those and many other images of Norway: http://lonelywolf2.deviantart.com/gallery/
Thanks for Lonelywolf2's brilliant work...

p.s. The image on the title of this blog is also from the same source.

The New Shoes

"Hey, I put some new shoes on,
And suddenly everything is right..." *

The lyrics of a pop-rock song. It seems that it hit the target for me. Yes, I do wanna put some new shoes on and suddenly feel everything's right! Maybe it's not the shoes but only myself to change in order to make everything right. Besides, the song's got nothing to do with my feelings, 'cause it literally talks about some new shoes. But to my perception, this pair of new shoes is the little miracle I expect to happen in a short while. I am not sure whether I should wait for this miracle; perhaps I should stick with my old shoes that were ripped around the seams... Anyway, I don't know how, don't know when; but I still do wait for it...

* Ref. The New Shoes - Paolo Nutini
from the album "These Streets" - 2006

On Leaves & Stays

Until now, I have been the one who leaves. I 've been the one to sail for new places, the one to adapt to new environments, the one that could never understand the feeling of being left behind. Perhaps now, for the first time, I am the one that stays after the leave of a loved one.

For all this time I believed that it is always harder for the one who leaves. Trying to fit into a new environment, dealing with the difficulties ahead, simply the strenousness of a changing life, all seemed to be quite harder than the stable environment of the one who stays.

However, life is not as easy as expected for the one who stays. Life goes on as it would like nothing had changed. But some little portions, some details begin to fade away gradually.

I could hardly comprehend how it feels when you stay behind and deal with the loss of the daily habits, routines created by the person that left. But now, I am beginning to feel the little voids that are formed within my daily life. As time progresses I know the voids will combine and form a larger gap. It is not the hardest thing to get used to this large gap. Because, you already knew it will form someday. The hardest is the moment when you realize the first little void for the very first time. Because it appears all of a sudden, or you would never expect to see an effect that much sooner, I don’t know why... But, I’m sure it hurts the most.

Flowers, Sandcastles, My Kite and a Ladybug

"Strawberry scented, musk mallow flavoured flowers blossom in my garden before the tempest...
The sea underneath tickles my feet; I have hopes of sandcastles. Even if they collapse, I’ll have lots of sand anyway...
My kite is shinier than a lollipop candy, and surprisingly quicker than expected from an A4 paper...
I opened my hand to let my ladybug breathe; and have the sun shine on her again...
Surely one fine day she'll be coming back to me..."


A translation of a little poem from the personal page of one of my friends*. I am really moved with its style, language and emotion. I feel almost the same nowadays...


*Ref. A. Serdaroglu - www.odtumezunlari.gen.tr Personal page

The Child Inside

I don’t know what caused exactly to feel like this, but I started to believe that something is dying inside me. It is not something, in fact, it is my “Child Inside”!

Everybody is familiar with the concept of the “child inside” and the happiness, liveliness, vividness it produces. For all my life I believed that this so-called “child” slowly dies as people grow up. But I was determined not to lose that child of mine. Surprisingly (or expectedly), I happened to realize that it was not the easiest thing to do. Because, life brings more responsibilities and obstacles with higher level of endurances as it progresses. Trying to cope with all these, somehow your child becomes neglected. ‘Cause it needs to be fed constantly with childish vivacity, joy and recklessness. However, with the increasing responsibilities it becomes impossible to keep those kinda feelings in your system. Therefore, you give up and agonizingly watch this child’s diminishing.

At first, I was strongly in denial of neglection of my child. I could never have behaved like that! I could never leave it unnourished or never let it feel unheeded. As soon as I realized the situation is about to worsen, I decided to do something for it. I had to grab my life from where I missed and return to the state where I was living happily with my child. But I couldn’t. I may never have tried hard enough, or maybe it was really challenging to leave all the commitments at hand. So I reluctantly let it go and watched the death slowly each passing day.

It is the rule of life; maybe (who knows) I need a very real, a very own child of mine after all. Maybe the time for taking care of myself by the help of a little child inside has gone forever. Now I’ve “finally” grown up and been one of those who “kills” his child inside.

I’ve given up questioning a while ago. Now I am not sure whether I stilll need to search for a child inside and try to save it, or not bother at all. Anyway, I guess it’s time to grab my beloved book “Mi Planta de Naranja Lima” once again and read it all over. If that doesn’t bring out and save the child, nothing’s ever will...

ref. Mi Planta de Naranja Lima - by José Mauro de Vasconcelos

Mercurial Weather and The Perfect Cure

The weather is quite mercurial today. Yesterday it rained a lot. Even now, little drops of rain are falling down occasionally. But, it seems as if it's gonna shine brightly in case the clouds make way.

The air is dense, lighting is dim, ambience is depressing...

I don't think my soul is any different from the weather nowadays...

But, I finally found the perfect cure for the ill mood of today: "Kings of Convenience"!

Cayman Islands, Know How, I Don't Know What I Can Save You From, Little Kids and finally Manhattan Skyline...

Soothing, comforting and relieving...

Not Ready

A man was walking home one evening when a stranger approached him and inquired about the location of a certain street. The man pointed out to the stranger and provided specific instructions. After readily understanding and accepting the instructions, the stranger began to walk in the opposite direction. The man said "You're headed in the wrong direction!". The stranger replied "Yes, I know. But, I'm not quite ready yet."