Paradoxical

There are such rare emotions you would experience in life.

The blurred image you have with tears in your eyes looking straight in to the eyes of that someone special in your most defenseless mood... At that moment, there is no strife, but only unison and love... When all ends and what remains is the memories, your eyes will be filled with tears once again remembering that very moment.

It's paradoxical.

Deceiving is Believing

It happened again. The same feeling of excitement, the same recurring heartbeat, even with the same intensity. As if I had never overcome that!

"Deceiving is believing" they say.

Deceive yourself to believe. Imagine what you're craving for; and here it is, right in front of you. Ignore some looks, trim out some words from the script, put new meanings into the smiles, the eyes and the voices...

But be careful, for it may not last as long as you suppose it would!

The Looks of Love

Love always comes in different looks:

Sometimes it's in the pure pale skin and full lips that never let you break your shell outside;

Sometimes it's in the blue-gray eyes that bring out all the compassion and gratitude you feel;

Sometimes it's in the chiseled features hiding the sweetest heart underneath that gives you the intimacy you longed for;

Sometimes it's in a tempting smile below squinting eyes that carries you away into deeper excitement...

Forgetfulness

It is your fate, forgetfulness. All of the old lessons of life, you lose and gain and lose and gain again.

Leto II - The Voice of Dar-es-Balat

from Frank Herbert's "Heretics of Dune"

Romance & Melancholy

It's been snowing almost for one month now. 3 days of heavy snow, then stops for a couple of days, but then again, starts snowing heavily.

The problem is not to cope with the cold weather or traffic; bu it's that heavy snow itself... Though so intense, it also snows so beautifully, so gracefully that it reawakens the very romantic side in me... The desire to walk hand-in-hand in the snow covered streets comes back... Looking at the trees, the white surface, the glittering lights in the city under the snow. Stopping for a while and an embrace, a soft kiss, a current running through the body, the feeling, the feeling of the lightness of being.

Looking through the window, empty handed... A gloomy melancholy triggered by the romantic mood takes effect. The Melancholy keeps feeding the Romance, the very source of itself... It becomes a vicious circle, a snake biting its own tail...

The Unduly Significance

When you take back the unduly significance you put on people, what remains is a somehow dull and monotonous but predictable relationtionship.

p.s. Inspired by M.Guray's words

Interrogation

Is it true?

The reason why I am so attracted to you now - is it because you're out of reach?

Is this why I reluctantly chose you among all the others that I hated utterly? Or is it the very reason of my choice, having you and not wanting to be very close?

Are you the one that holds all I needed and all I swore not to have again within the very same personage? The intimacy I longed for, the sweetness I cherished...? But, the one I swore never to love, never to be with, never to be attached to as well?...

What are you, tell me now!

Movies With Known Tragic Endings

It happens always the same with movie adaptations. Since it is an adaptation, the audience already knows the subject, the story line and even the ending from the very beginning. If it is based on a story with a tragic ending, i.e. the main guy dying of cancer in the end, the couple splitting up, or the mother losing her children, the effect becomes much intense. Though the ending is very tragic and quite unbearable, some audience is still very much willing to go all the way... Watch the movie, get into the feeling, taste all details within the sequences and towards the end feel the tightness in the chest that it's gonna end up badly.

What makes those movies still attractive to the audience is probably the experience throughout the movie. The tension created in the end is nothing compared to the pleasure of living the scenario, seeing all good scenes, listening to nice dialogues, discovering all characters and the music...

But, are all these worth experiencing the trouble in the end? What is even harder is that watching that movie is done willingly... Willingly to go through all that pain to see the tragic ending.

What my personal experience tells me is that living through the best moments of the movie is worth shedding all the tears to the ending. And it is a fact that there will always be other new movies with known tragic endings that the audience will fancy watching, over and over again...

Left Deep Inside

It's a somewhat gloomy mood I'm in these few days... Throwing me into deep corners: dark, damp and narrow. Slashing my heart into pieces, gathering them up and making whole again; just to slash once again. The resentment, the insatiable feeling of hunger... Hunger for life, more life...

But, whatever happens, it is the same feeling again: The feeling of something that is left deep inside...

The Photograph

A photograph.

Upside down, head leaning out of the bed. A tempting look.

Just another photograph, or a cause of excitement... that lacked in my life for a long time now...

Ends...

Another year is about to end...

With that year ending there are other things that come to an end as well...

But, how hard it is to let go; how hard to accept the ends, the losses, the nothingness...

In any circumstance, it seems easier to cling to the remnants, instead of admittance of loss.

Nevertheless, the longer you hold on to those to slip away, the more you suffer, the more it takes to recover...

Turning Thirty

What is it really?

Growing older and more mature?

Closing one chapter and starting another one?

Realizing you are no longer supposed to be a child?

Discovering, at the same time, that all you want is to remain a child?

Is it more white hair?

Or less energy?

Is it leaving most of your emotional reactions and behaving in a more logical manner?

Or making peace with yourself?

Is it just a limit, or an ordinary number at all?

The end of anticipation and the beginning of acceptance, probably... That defines it much better...

Looking for Something That Remains the Same Among the Ones That Change

Almost everything has changed now.

And most of them in the way I wished so.

But, I feel something's wrong anyway...

It is so ironic that I am desperately looking for something that remains the same among all that changed. I am searching for an anchor to hold on to. Don't know why, but that wind of change is bothering me in a way I could never have imagined.

I guess, I cannot recognize myself anymore. I want everything to be solid and static; that, I hated for all my life. Maybe it's because of getting older. Or maybe a sister leaving home, two close friends moving to long distances caused this... And the ever-coming-back feeling of resentment...

For all those, I don't want anything to change again! At least not for a long while...

The Car Window

"For me, people are like the raindrops hitting the window of a car. Sometimes, as one drop slides down, it merges into another drop. Thus, getting stonger they move along faster... And, I merged into you, my love... But, people are cruel and wasteful. They act as if there's no end to anything. They don't even think of the driver's opening the window one day..."

From "Incir Receli" (2011)

by Aytac Agirlar

Hotel on Rue Saint-Martin

The sun has finally set. The sky's all dark, the weather's cool...

I look ahead, just accross my hotel room there's a Haussmann style French building. The mid floors with French type windows, the top one with narrow balcony, and there are five eaves at the topmost floor.

There are people in one of the middle floor flats. A little girl playing just near the coffee table in the middle. I can only see the legs and feet of the others sitting around from that height of my window. There's a bowl of fruit on the table and some wine. The talk seems relaxing and fun; people are laid back, recumbent. Fills me with warmth inside. Two floors above there's no light. The topmost eaves all belong to different people. At the second one, there's a young guy sitting at the sill. Back on one wall, the legs are bent to the body, drinking something... The third one has clothes hanging on the sill to dry up; but they aren't gonna, the rain's near. The fifth one has two guys leaning towards the front from the sill, checking out the street, or just chatting, who knows?

I just stare at the building, the windows, the narrow street just below and the connecting big road on the right, Rue Saint Martin... I can't believe once again, I'm breathing in Paris!

from the Paris journey 14-19th July

Goodbye

You constantly complain on the bore of living in the same city for years.

You discuss the temptation of leaving all behind and start a new life...

You talk about all the new opportunites, all you could gain with new horizons ahead...

Then, one of you leaves... And you stay...

Then the whole concept of leaving becomes a whole big void for you.

'Cause it's 'the leaving' you wanted to be a part of, not 'the being stuck'...

Though you know it's for the best for you to stay for now, you unconsciously look for your escape from the maze. Maybe it's because of the fear of losing someone; or the unease of the changes to be faced after that intense a relationship... No matter why, the feeling of loneliness, the sense of stagnation seem to stay with you for a little while longer...

Goodbye! Have a nice journey: for today and for the long one ahead...

Reminiscence

Sometimes, a simple word, not even heard but only written, could make you feel nothing has changed...

Our connection to present is mostly kept with our struggle with the changes in our lives and their immediate daily effects. As time passes, we sometimes lose track of what happened in the past or how much time has passed over certain events. But life is movable, it is dynamic in everyway; so , it brings out new possibilities and reminds you of all the past events in time. As you remember those you regret, or have forgotten; you might kinda feel defenceless.

Anyhow, sometimes a song, a movie, a picture, a piece of hadwriting on an old notebook cover can tell you that nothing actually has changed; everything stayed the same. All will resume right from where you left them once you just click the button.

Update

I've been neglecting this blog lately. It's not just an admittance or a search for an excuse; but it is indeed a discovery of how I neglected many things in my life recently. Drawing, Italian, reading, tennis and many others... In search for a literal excuse for not spending time for these, I found myself facing the fact that I somehow am losing my desires. My desire to do all these things that I loved once... My desire to learn, to experience... Even my desire to change the course of things, change routines, change monotony...

I've been simply "living" for the last several months. Neither caring for things to come, nor constructing plans... It doesn't mean I lost my total interest in life, but I prefer easier choices. Simpler and unwinding roads are the ones I choose nowadays. The ones that are less tiresome, the ones that do not cause great troubles nor bring the best prizes though. But, at the end of the day, I really feel FINE...

Government

Government cannot be religious and self-assertive at the same time. Religious experience needs a spontaneity which laws inevitably suppress. And you cannot govern without laws. Your laws eventually must replace morality, replace conscience, replace even the religion by which you think to govern. sacred ritual must spring from praise and holy yearnings which hammer out a significant morality. Government, on the other hand, is a cultural organism particularly attractive to doubts, questions and contentions.

from "The Dune Messiah" by Frank Herbert

Life Is Full Of Surprises

There are three sayings I believe in life. One of them is: "Life is full of surprises".

This week it was confirmed once again. Some unexpected news on deteriorating situations got me quite low on Monday morning. However, surprisingly, before the afternoon, I received surprisingly good news on new opportunities. It was as if my monthly horoscope was fit into one single day.

Within the same day, I worried a lot and got suprisingly excited. It was a day full of emotions but it taught lessons as well. I realized once again that once you have some change in your life, good or bad, you should wait for it to settle, to gain shape. Then you got to decide on your decisions and plans seeing what it became and where it would lead you. Hasty decisions and empty worries just wear you out for no reason.

Still learning with experience...