Floating...

In fact, there are such times in life when you completely lose all perception of time and place and be able to pull yourself away from the "real life" routine. Since I discovered that, I have been cherishing these moments and letting go of myself. And the rest is just floating...

The Rain and the Pool

There's rain in Ankara this morning...

Like the famous song of MFO:

"There's rain in Istanbul this morning

My eyes are filled with tears, I don't know why

As innocent as listening to mom's advice

I cried this morning"

The rain is there outside but it fills me with tears inside. It seems there's a huge pool of tears now in me. And, I want to drown my regrets and hesitations in there.

Then I remember my insincerity (even hypocrisy). I decide to drown it in that pool as well - as soon as I grab it from the neck...

The Flimsy & Crazy Heart

The heart is flimsy in times.
It is easily affected upon a new encounter,
Easily impressed, bounded by emotion,
Cannot know what to do when it's love that it sees, or passion, or excitement,
Sometimes, even cannot distinguish one from the other.


The heart is crazy in times,
Knows love's so delicate to handle, but still strives for more, still hastens,
Beats like the hummingbird's wings move,
Flies so high, dives in too deep,
Crashes into walls, falls on the ground,
Is smashed into pieces in the end...


But, never gives up till the next encounter.

The Gaze

I follow corridors full of bodies and faces. I push and slide. Darkness covers some faces, some are much easily visible. Colourful lights dance on the crowd. Pink ears, yellow noses, purple hair, green skins; all combined into one huge circus. I feel the gazes directed towards my back, or see the looks right in front of me.


I keep turning and turning around, just one song comes to mind: "I'm spinning around / Move outta my way / I know you're feeling me / 'cause you like it like this". In fact, I like it like that!


As I am about to leave, there it is: right in front me, blocking my way... That gaze, straight into my eyes - my soul indeed - without moving away from me. And it takes a couple of seconds only, actually, seems to last a couple of hours... I feel stunned though my body loses its weight and begins ascending... 


Soon ends the moment, and we both walk away from each other...


However, this is not the end, but just the beginning...

Empathy

It was just one of those times that life seemed to be playing a little game with me...


I was right there, listening attentively, when the ultimate confession came. Then a suave smile appeared on my face, followed by the look meaning: "I knew it!". Right after that, I felt the little incision on my skin, immediately followed by the ache penetrating my body inch by inch. The pain had already captured my body when the confession got more intense. 


As the words came out, I felt the same familiar feeling inside. It was unexplainably fascinating to understand the person right in front of you that clearly, that exactly. But it was possible at the same time; I was in the same shoes long before. The same experience, the same hesitancy, the same dilemma along with the same curiosity and excitement.


It was a small rabbit in front of a hole in the ground, hesitating to enter and worried about never getting back on surface, but curious to know what's inside, and it'll never be completely satisfied unless it gets in. I knew that rabbit; I knew it very well, indeed.


I told my story... It was self nourishing as it was pragmatic. But it the end I could not still believe how shocking it was to find out that there is one other person that experiences exactly the same that I've gone through. It was interesting to realize how I could utterly and truly feel what the other feels. How unexpectedly sentimental and heartbreaking...

Paradoxical

There are such rare emotions you would experience in life.

The blurred image you have with tears in your eyes looking straight in to the eyes of that someone special in your most defenseless mood... At that moment, there is no strife, but only unison and love... When all ends and what remains is the memories, your eyes will be filled with tears once again remembering that very moment.

It's paradoxical.

Deceiving is Believing

It happened again. The same feeling of excitement, the same recurring heartbeat, even with the same intensity. As if I had never overcome that!

"Deceiving is believing" they say.

Deceive yourself to believe. Imagine what you're craving for; and here it is, right in front of you. Ignore some looks, trim out some words from the script, put new meanings into the smiles, the eyes and the voices...

But be careful, for it may not last as long as you suppose it would!

The Looks of Love

Love always comes in different looks:

Sometimes it's in the pure pale skin and full lips that never let you break your shell outside;

Sometimes it's in the blue-gray eyes that bring out all the compassion and gratitude you feel;

Sometimes it's in the chiseled features hiding the sweetest heart underneath that gives you the intimacy you longed for;

Sometimes it's in a tempting smile below squinting eyes that carries you away into deeper excitement...

Forgetfulness

It is your fate, forgetfulness. All of the old lessons of life, you lose and gain and lose and gain again.

Leto II - The Voice of Dar-es-Balat

from Frank Herbert's "Heretics of Dune"

Romance & Melancholy

It's been snowing almost for one month now. 3 days of heavy snow, then stops for a couple of days, but then again, starts snowing heavily.

The problem is not to cope with the cold weather or traffic; bu it's that heavy snow itself... Though so intense, it also snows so beautifully, so gracefully that it reawakens the very romantic side in me... The desire to walk hand-in-hand in the snow covered streets comes back... Looking at the trees, the white surface, the glittering lights in the city under the snow. Stopping for a while and an embrace, a soft kiss, a current running through the body, the feeling, the feeling of the lightness of being.

Looking through the window, empty handed... A gloomy melancholy triggered by the romantic mood takes effect. The Melancholy keeps feeding the Romance, the very source of itself... It becomes a vicious circle, a snake biting its own tail...

The Unduly Significance

When you take back the unduly significance you put on people, what remains is a somehow dull and monotonous but predictable relationtionship.

p.s. Inspired by M.Guray's words

Interrogation

Is it true?

The reason why I am so attracted to you now - is it because you're out of reach?

Is this why I reluctantly chose you among all the others that I hated utterly? Or is it the very reason of my choice, having you and not wanting to be very close?

Are you the one that holds all I needed and all I swore not to have again within the very same personage? The intimacy I longed for, the sweetness I cherished...? But, the one I swore never to love, never to be with, never to be attached to as well?...

What are you, tell me now!

Movies With Known Tragic Endings

It happens always the same with movie adaptations. Since it is an adaptation, the audience already knows the subject, the story line and even the ending from the very beginning. If it is based on a story with a tragic ending, i.e. the main guy dying of cancer in the end, the couple splitting up, or the mother losing her children, the effect becomes much intense. Though the ending is very tragic and quite unbearable, some audience is still very much willing to go all the way... Watch the movie, get into the feeling, taste all details within the sequences and towards the end feel the tightness in the chest that it's gonna end up badly.

What makes those movies still attractive to the audience is probably the experience throughout the movie. The tension created in the end is nothing compared to the pleasure of living the scenario, seeing all good scenes, listening to nice dialogues, discovering all characters and the music...

But, are all these worth experiencing the trouble in the end? What is even harder is that watching that movie is done willingly... Willingly to go through all that pain to see the tragic ending.

What my personal experience tells me is that living through the best moments of the movie is worth shedding all the tears to the ending. And it is a fact that there will always be other new movies with known tragic endings that the audience will fancy watching, over and over again...

Left Deep Inside

It's a somewhat gloomy mood I'm in these few days... Throwing me into deep corners: dark, damp and narrow. Slashing my heart into pieces, gathering them up and making whole again; just to slash once again. The resentment, the insatiable feeling of hunger... Hunger for life, more life...

But, whatever happens, it is the same feeling again: The feeling of something that is left deep inside...

The Photograph

A photograph.

Upside down, head leaning out of the bed. A tempting look.

Just another photograph, or a cause of excitement... that lacked in my life for a long time now...

Ends...

Another year is about to end...

With that year ending there are other things that come to an end as well...

But, how hard it is to let go; how hard to accept the ends, the losses, the nothingness...

In any circumstance, it seems easier to cling to the remnants, instead of admittance of loss.

Nevertheless, the longer you hold on to those to slip away, the more you suffer, the more it takes to recover...

Turning Thirty

What is it really?

Growing older and more mature?

Closing one chapter and starting another one?

Realizing you are no longer supposed to be a child?

Discovering, at the same time, that all you want is to remain a child?

Is it more white hair?

Or less energy?

Is it leaving most of your emotional reactions and behaving in a more logical manner?

Or making peace with yourself?

Is it just a limit, or an ordinary number at all?

The end of anticipation and the beginning of acceptance, probably... That defines it much better...

Looking for Something That Remains the Same Among the Ones That Change

Almost everything has changed now.

And most of them in the way I wished so.

But, I feel something's wrong anyway...

It is so ironic that I am desperately looking for something that remains the same among all that changed. I am searching for an anchor to hold on to. Don't know why, but that wind of change is bothering me in a way I could never have imagined.

I guess, I cannot recognize myself anymore. I want everything to be solid and static; that, I hated for all my life. Maybe it's because of getting older. Or maybe a sister leaving home, two close friends moving to long distances caused this... And the ever-coming-back feeling of resentment...

For all those, I don't want anything to change again! At least not for a long while...

The Car Window

"For me, people are like the raindrops hitting the window of a car. Sometimes, as one drop slides down, it merges into another drop. Thus, getting stonger they move along faster... And, I merged into you, my love... But, people are cruel and wasteful. They act as if there's no end to anything. They don't even think of the driver's opening the window one day..."

From "Incir Receli" (2011)

by Aytac Agirlar

Hotel on Rue Saint-Martin

The sun has finally set. The sky's all dark, the weather's cool...

I look ahead, just accross my hotel room there's a Haussmann style French building. The mid floors with French type windows, the top one with narrow balcony, and there are five eaves at the topmost floor.

There are people in one of the middle floor flats. A little girl playing just near the coffee table in the middle. I can only see the legs and feet of the others sitting around from that height of my window. There's a bowl of fruit on the table and some wine. The talk seems relaxing and fun; people are laid back, recumbent. Fills me with warmth inside. Two floors above there's no light. The topmost eaves all belong to different people. At the second one, there's a young guy sitting at the sill. Back on one wall, the legs are bent to the body, drinking something... The third one has clothes hanging on the sill to dry up; but they aren't gonna, the rain's near. The fifth one has two guys leaning towards the front from the sill, checking out the street, or just chatting, who knows?

I just stare at the building, the windows, the narrow street just below and the connecting big road on the right, Rue Saint Martin... I can't believe once again, I'm breathing in Paris!

from the Paris journey 14-19th July