The Return

It happened.

For the first time in the last couple of years, I returned home happily.

Recalling all those returns when my head was resting on the little window of the plane, looking hopelessly to all the lights and glitter disappearing underneath and sighing... Thinking about what I have been missing and how I have been losing all my days among grey buildings and silent puppets... Regretting every opportunity lost, every risk not taken in hesitation...

For the first time in years, I was relieved to get back home. Not at all fascinated by the lights, nor worried about distancing from the glamorous life...

Not that it is all perfectly planned now, nor I feel much secure or determined. But it's something else, more than I can explain... More of a teenager feeling - that I'm not used to - or of an excitement of heart trembling out of joy.

The touch of a hand, the tenderness of a kiss, the shine on a small teardrop... 
Momentary but soothing...
Hushing and putting me to sleep...

Story

I believe there are some moments in life which make you feel everything's in order. At these moments you don't have to worry about what's gonna happen next, or how things will eventually turn up in the end. It is kind of a relief not to know how "your story" will finish then.

...And that makes you feel positive towards everything that come across your way. The wisest thing to do simply becomes just waiting and letting time pass peacefully.

Then I feel "my story" will go on forever, as if it's never gonna end. All that will happen along the course of it will be so important to remember, or so trivial to care about at the same time. Because all that matters will be the course itself; the course that takes you from one point to another...

Hands Towards Heaven

I left my dream in a hotel room drawer;
I sailed my hope to the sea in a paper boat made of two sheets;
I painted my memories in my own colour to the streets I passed and walls I touched ...
One day, if I find that drawer empty in that hotel room,
If the sea doesn't bring my paper boat back,
Or if the streets and walls are all paintless when I return,
Does it matter?

When my hands are towards heaven,
My forehead on the bar counter,
We are so strong that we can blow off all the roofs,
Ended up in Heaven
Where angels cry
And all is forgiven...

When my hands are up in the air,
Already drunk,
And life is meaningless,
Who cares?...

The night is so beautiful,
You are like the night
And I am a winner again...

Point of Fulcrum

"There comes a time in each life like a point of fulcrum. At that time you must accept yourself. It is not any more what you will become. It is what you are and always will be."

from "The Magus" by John Fowles (1966)

Destiny Is Hard To Predict

"Destiny is hard to predict"...

That was a message displayed on my phone screen. I didn't care much until I really figured it out once thing's got little bit more solid.

The other day I was being defined as either of the following: "my patient", "my friend", "my date" and "my destiny"...

One day you desperately look for a way out through boredom and find a better way for your life to follow. The next day it's much easier to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Shall I call this the effect of destiny?

The Moss

Even though you know that a new era is about to begin, you feel the remains of yesterday still clinging onto you.

It's like walking out of the water from a mossy lake covered in moss sticking to your body. You can't get rid of the moss how hard you try to scrub it out of your body. The sticky touch of the plants, the slicky feeling it creates on your skin, the sensation of the dirtiness.... This makes you want to go back in the water and clean yourself with a deep dive. But, you know it quite well that the lake is not your home. A deep dive would take you further down to a world that would drown you eventually. Nevertheless, you sense that you will dry out in the sun if you go out to earth as well.

So, let the moss cling to you for now. Let the slick touch stay on your skin... For you will never get out that sticky, slicky sensation even if all the moss dries out and falls apart...

Life Is Full Of Surprises #2

It is a universal truth indeed: Life is full of surprises...

Life simply says: "You can make plans, construct your own order and organization; but don't you ever forget that I will always keep bringing out new surprises to ruin your plans, collapse your order and organization or maybe make you smile or astonished any moment in time".

This is the genuine pattern of life itself. It is what we meant to learn at the end of the day: "Do your best and leave the rest"...

Sputnik

"Do you know what 'Sputnik' means in Russian? 'Travelling Companion'. I looked it up in a dictionary not long ago. Kind of a strange coincidence if you think about it. I wonder why the Russians gave their satellite that strange name. It's just a poor little lump of metal, spinning around the Earth."

* * * * * * *

"And it came to me then. That we were wonderful travelling companions, but in the end no more than lonely lumps of metal on their own separate orbits. From far off they look like beautiful shooting stars, but in reality they're nothing more than prisons, where each of us is locked up alone, going nowhere. When the orbits of these two satellites of ours happened to cross paths, we could be together. Maybe even open our hearts to each other. But that was only for the briefest moment. In the next instant we'd be in absolute solitude. Until we burned up and became nothing."

from Haruki Murakami's "The Sputnik Sweetheart" (1999)

Floating...

In fact, there are such times in life when you completely lose all perception of time and place and be able to pull yourself away from the "real life" routine. Since I discovered that, I have been cherishing these moments and letting go of myself. And the rest is just floating...

The Rain and the Pool

There's rain in Ankara this morning...

Like the famous song of MFO:

"There's rain in Istanbul this morning

My eyes are filled with tears, I don't know why

As innocent as listening to mom's advice

I cried this morning"

The rain is there outside but it fills me with tears inside. It seems there's a huge pool of tears now in me. And, I want to drown my regrets and hesitations in there.

Then I remember my insincerity (even hypocrisy). I decide to drown it in that pool as well - as soon as I grab it from the neck...

The Flimsy & Crazy Heart

The heart is flimsy in times.
It is easily affected upon a new encounter,
Easily impressed, bounded by emotion,
Cannot know what to do when it's love that it sees, or passion, or excitement,
Sometimes, even cannot distinguish one from the other.


The heart is crazy in times,
Knows love's so delicate to handle, but still strives for more, still hastens,
Beats like the hummingbird's wings move,
Flies so high, dives in too deep,
Crashes into walls, falls on the ground,
Is smashed into pieces in the end...


But, never gives up till the next encounter.

The Gaze

I follow corridors full of bodies and faces. I push and slide. Darkness covers some faces, some are much easily visible. Colourful lights dance on the crowd. Pink ears, yellow noses, purple hair, green skins; all combined into one huge circus. I feel the gazes directed towards my back, or see the looks right in front of me.


I keep turning and turning around, just one song comes to mind: "I'm spinning around / Move outta my way / I know you're feeling me / 'cause you like it like this". In fact, I like it like that!


As I am about to leave, there it is: right in front me, blocking my way... That gaze, straight into my eyes - my soul indeed - without moving away from me. And it takes a couple of seconds only, actually, seems to last a couple of hours... I feel stunned though my body loses its weight and begins ascending... 


Soon ends the moment, and we both walk away from each other...


However, this is not the end, but just the beginning...

Empathy

It was just one of those times that life seemed to be playing a little game with me...


I was right there, listening attentively, when the ultimate confession came. Then a suave smile appeared on my face, followed by the look meaning: "I knew it!". Right after that, I felt the little incision on my skin, immediately followed by the ache penetrating my body inch by inch. The pain had already captured my body when the confession got more intense. 


As the words came out, I felt the same familiar feeling inside. It was unexplainably fascinating to understand the person right in front of you that clearly, that exactly. But it was possible at the same time; I was in the same shoes long before. The same experience, the same hesitancy, the same dilemma along with the same curiosity and excitement.


It was a small rabbit in front of a hole in the ground, hesitating to enter and worried about never getting back on surface, but curious to know what's inside, and it'll never be completely satisfied unless it gets in. I knew that rabbit; I knew it very well, indeed.


I told my story... It was self nourishing as it was pragmatic. But it the end I could not still believe how shocking it was to find out that there is one other person that experiences exactly the same that I've gone through. It was interesting to realize how I could utterly and truly feel what the other feels. How unexpectedly sentimental and heartbreaking...

Paradoxical

There are such rare emotions you would experience in life.

The blurred image you have with tears in your eyes looking straight in to the eyes of that someone special in your most defenseless mood... At that moment, there is no strife, but only unison and love... When all ends and what remains is the memories, your eyes will be filled with tears once again remembering that very moment.

It's paradoxical.

Deceiving is Believing

It happened again. The same feeling of excitement, the same recurring heartbeat, even with the same intensity. As if I had never overcome that!

"Deceiving is believing" they say.

Deceive yourself to believe. Imagine what you're craving for; and here it is, right in front of you. Ignore some looks, trim out some words from the script, put new meanings into the smiles, the eyes and the voices...

But be careful, for it may not last as long as you suppose it would!

The Looks of Love

Love always comes in different looks:

Sometimes it's in the pure pale skin and full lips that never let you break your shell outside;

Sometimes it's in the blue-gray eyes that bring out all the compassion and gratitude you feel;

Sometimes it's in the chiseled features hiding the sweetest heart underneath that gives you the intimacy you longed for;

Sometimes it's in a tempting smile below squinting eyes that carries you away into deeper excitement...

Forgetfulness

It is your fate, forgetfulness. All of the old lessons of life, you lose and gain and lose and gain again.

Leto II - The Voice of Dar-es-Balat

from Frank Herbert's "Heretics of Dune"

Romance & Melancholy

It's been snowing almost for one month now. 3 days of heavy snow, then stops for a couple of days, but then again, starts snowing heavily.

The problem is not to cope with the cold weather or traffic; bu it's that heavy snow itself... Though so intense, it also snows so beautifully, so gracefully that it reawakens the very romantic side in me... The desire to walk hand-in-hand in the snow covered streets comes back... Looking at the trees, the white surface, the glittering lights in the city under the snow. Stopping for a while and an embrace, a soft kiss, a current running through the body, the feeling, the feeling of the lightness of being.

Looking through the window, empty handed... A gloomy melancholy triggered by the romantic mood takes effect. The Melancholy keeps feeding the Romance, the very source of itself... It becomes a vicious circle, a snake biting its own tail...

The Unduly Significance

When you take back the unduly significance you put on people, what remains is a somehow dull and monotonous but predictable relationtionship.

p.s. Inspired by M.Guray's words

Interrogation

Is it true?

The reason why I am so attracted to you now - is it because you're out of reach?

Is this why I reluctantly chose you among all the others that I hated utterly? Or is it the very reason of my choice, having you and not wanting to be very close?

Are you the one that holds all I needed and all I swore not to have again within the very same personage? The intimacy I longed for, the sweetness I cherished...? But, the one I swore never to love, never to be with, never to be attached to as well?...

What are you, tell me now!