Surprises or Not

”Life is full of surprises anyway” I wrote.

But is it really life that brings the surprises or is it us who make them happen by deciding on our actions which will trigger future opportunities?

Most of the time you know the answer but it is terrifying to tell it to yourself!
And sometimes it is the best to spill out all you have in your mind here and not think about that for a while...

Then it will be easier to believe on a higher being (whatever you call it, God or life etc) to take over and act on your behalf...

Fix You

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

 

When the tears come streaming down your face
'Cause you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
What could it be worse?

 

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you...

Disappointments and Bad Surprises

Disappointments and bad surprises are almost the same concepts.

A surprise happens all of a sudden, it's momentary. So is a disappointment. A disappointment may not seem to happen that quickly. But it actually is. The first moment when you realize your dream is broken, that is the actual moment of disappointment, the rest of the process in being disappointed is just full of after effects.

A surprise catches you unprepared, off-guard. So is a disappointment. Even if you have preparations and alternative scenarios on your mind, when you realize the actual moment of being disappointed you are generally defenseless and vulnerable.

Combining these characteristics of a surprise and adding a touch of "bad" on top, here is your disappointment...

The Make Up Age

The ones who have been close to me recently know that my previous age has contained intense, tough and sad times in it. Maybe it has been a tiresome age for me, but when I look back now, I realize that it has also been very fruitful. My 34th age has been the one in which I learnt a lot, I grew up considerably and I made up with myself and life.

This has been a "make up" age, why?

In this past age I did something for the first time for myself; and that was something I could not do for many years. I put a step forward for art. I started the Painting Analysis Workshop. Instead of thinking that I victimized myself and wasted my talents, I took action this time. I worked with passion, devoutness and enthusiasm; I presented, I shared... As I kept doing these, my passion, devoutness and enthusiasm grew more. I tried not to leave any regrets on wrong choices or wasting talents. The participants of my workshop must have clearly seen the pleasure I got from teaching and sharing my love for art. I made up with the side of me that kept on postponing or hesitating to make a step forward although it knew that I would get so much pleasure out of that.

In this past age I tried to conduct better relations with people. Maybe I could not forget the ones who broke my heart, but I forgave them, I opened new pages for myself and them. I tried to mend the hearts I have broken, they may not forget as well, but I tried to make them forgive me at least. I made up with the disappointments and expectations.

In this past age, I got one step closer to accept myself with my mistakes and imperfections. I learned to love and accept myself as I am. I made up with the last 6-7 years spent during this acceptance process. Time does not matter if you are at the point where you wanted to be eventually.

I have built a fortress of people around me who accept as who I am, with the identity I have. Every single one of them is invaluable to me, they did not leave me alone in tough times. They did not let me succumb to my fears of being left alone, and they showed that they will be with me whoever I am. I made up with my entourage.

Having made peace with my previous age and starting a new one, I now feel strongest than ever. And I will not let anyone or anything to take this strength away from me...

To new ages to live through... Happy birthday...

The Staircase

It's a sorrowful and misty-eyed face at the door, keeps on looking at me as I go down the staircase. I don't see it as I descend, yet I feel the look on my back. When I'm down, I turn back and up there I see it again... The same face, the same look... I pass to the exit, then I keep on crying, this time aloud, but going my way...

Message in a Bottle

Put your message in a bottle and throw it in the ocean.

If you find yourself reading the same message back again, then it's sad...

But if otherwise, who knows what will happen...

Parallel

Parallel World:

A hypothetical self-contained separate reality co-existing with one's own. (definition from Wikipedia)

A set of conditions that provides an alternate reality to one's own life and creates a pleasant feeling, but it is completely different in terms of location, environment and circumstances from reality. (my definition)

The Parallel World saved my life many times I believe. In times of loneliness, boredom, stagnation or depression I found myself in these worlds where I had no need of questioning time, place, reasons or results. I just dove into a vast ocean of pleasure and sensation. It was quite easy and comfortable at these times, although return to real life was a bit painful. But I managed to survive that.

The Parallel World was an escape plan, a shortcut or a simple way to ignore reality. But so as all escape plans it had faults. And these faults lead to a collapse this time...

I guess there is a limit to be in the parallel world. If you get in and out more than you are supposed to, then this alternate reality becomes something familiar, some part of your own reality - not alternative any more. Knowing that there is a place somewhere, touching a heart that beats there, feeling a warmness inside, a soothing emotion... These lead to the collapse eventually, and now I desire to be in the parallel world for good, or the parallel world to be a genuine part of my world.

At this point, it becomes strikingly clear why it is called "parallel". Because it does not truly co-exist with reality (although Wikipedia says so); or it cannot be combined or made real easily.

Left here somewhere in between my reality and a longing for a union with the parallel world... Just clinging to memories and waiting...