The Decision

Oh I can’t believe how much there was to write about, and how less I cared about writing here. Maybe this is the exact situation for all my feelings inside and not telling people anything.

Sometimes you feel you have enough stress and tension to cope with. But, as if was planned by a sinister enemy, all bad things happen to you just in a second, additional to your stress-at-hand. For a few weeks I feel so much ‘loaded’. These days what concerns me the most is my future career and my “most important – not to be given up” decision on it. I should have seen that coming. My forever longing holdover on career decisions would somehow follow and haunt me. A decision should have been made long ago, for not to be changed at a later time. Now, I am facing with the gloom of making up my mind concentrating on a definite idea.

It is a quite thrilling fact that certain decisions in your life are “never-to-turn-back”. The worst of all, this kinda decisions are the ones that control and change your future and way of living forever.

You sometimes turn back to past and have a closer look at what you’ve been through for all the years. And, this look is often a very detailed one, bringing out a detailed analysis of your past events, decisions and your state of mind. It is surprising (and tragic) when you realize that you never had such a detailed analysis in the past when you were experiencing those events. Then you find out that you never examined your life with an objective perspective. My favourite writer, Amin Maalouf, in one of his books says: “You never have a chance to stare at your life up from the top of a hill.” That briefly explains what I mean. You live and you learn, only long after will you be able to criticize.

I must admit, decisions (sometimes even the trivial ones) have never been easy for me to deal with. For the last several years, I cannot remember myself setting my mind on a specific idea, and sticking firmly to it. So, now I am feeling trapped because of a critical decision, and that is no surprise to me. I must get out of it without much damage. And, I hope not to have much regret upon my final decision.

The Very First Piece of Writing

Most of the time I considered keeping a regular blog spot inessential. 'Cause if you are a "secret-diary-keeper", you already had a place to reflect all your ideas and the events. And that also means you have a tendency to keep those thoughts to yourself. All your uneasiness, your otherwise-seriously-disturbing mental condition, your somehow pathetic ideas are all added to the pages of your diary. This way nobody sees what you have inside, and you satisfy yourself by taking those uncomfortable stuff out of your system. "Writing to remember" is only a "distorted story" to deceive yourself.

And after all those, now I am trying to find what has made me change my mind for keeping a blog. Maybe my close friends having pages of blog filled with amateur-to-pro written articles on life has lead me to keep one. I haven't been keeping my diary up-to-date since I have been busy with work and academic stuff. Besides, I guess, writing stories quenched my inner thirst of expressing myself. I felt that I have to write down what I feel about the things around me more often, and that could be more open-to-public somehow. Thus, I got the idea of publishing my expressions here.

Starting the first line, I thought : "Why not in another language?"... I already am writing in my mother tongue. Here I could write in English, at least give it a modest try, without much arrogance.

Anyway, I decided to update this blog now I started.
The very first page of my blog-book is here, hope I could succeed in keeping it for a long time by adding new pages on and on...

(Perhaps, I should have started with a "Dear Blog" statement at the beginning... That would be much more convenient for this kinda writing. :P )