The Decision

Oh I can’t believe how much there was to write about, and how less I cared about writing here. Maybe this is the exact situation for all my feelings inside and not telling people anything.

Sometimes you feel you have enough stress and tension to cope with. But, as if was planned by a sinister enemy, all bad things happen to you just in a second, additional to your stress-at-hand. For a few weeks I feel so much ‘loaded’. These days what concerns me the most is my future career and my “most important – not to be given up” decision on it. I should have seen that coming. My forever longing holdover on career decisions would somehow follow and haunt me. A decision should have been made long ago, for not to be changed at a later time. Now, I am facing with the gloom of making up my mind concentrating on a definite idea.

It is a quite thrilling fact that certain decisions in your life are “never-to-turn-back”. The worst of all, this kinda decisions are the ones that control and change your future and way of living forever.

You sometimes turn back to past and have a closer look at what you’ve been through for all the years. And, this look is often a very detailed one, bringing out a detailed analysis of your past events, decisions and your state of mind. It is surprising (and tragic) when you realize that you never had such a detailed analysis in the past when you were experiencing those events. Then you find out that you never examined your life with an objective perspective. My favourite writer, Amin Maalouf, in one of his books says: “You never have a chance to stare at your life up from the top of a hill.” That briefly explains what I mean. You live and you learn, only long after will you be able to criticize.

I must admit, decisions (sometimes even the trivial ones) have never been easy for me to deal with. For the last several years, I cannot remember myself setting my mind on a specific idea, and sticking firmly to it. So, now I am feeling trapped because of a critical decision, and that is no surprise to me. I must get out of it without much damage. And, I hope not to have much regret upon my final decision.