The Birthday Spirit

This week is the "Traditional Birthday Week of Özgün". Tonight I'll be celebrating it with a gathering with all my close friends in Ankara. I feel a bit excited of course, but I do think that the spirit in me that adored birthdays and celebrations has faded out a little bit. Maybe that must be the "spell of aging". To lose your excitement and enthusiasm on the things you have kept precious in the past. I won't go into the same "the times are changing, we all grow old, blah blah..." cliché, but I have to admit that I am losing some of my belief in special occasions. Perhaps I won't be feeling eager to celebrate the New Year's Day. Let's just wait and see...

Pure Melancholia

I am lost in an intense pure melancholy these days. The sorrow that had been long delayed has just knocked on my door. I did not persist not to open the door and let her in. From the very beginning I knew what would happen, like I had in the past. But, some things are irresistable.

Now, I feel all will be over upon a lonesome cry. A cry from the past to the future. A cry that would wipe away all the gloom and refresh the hope inside...
How ironic it is to realize that a single tear shed is what you need when your eyes are bone dry.

I have been listening to "Jane Birkin - Comment Te Dire Adieu" these few weeks. I guess it takes a little share from my inner sorrow and fills that space with a little peace. The arabesque rythym and melody covers my whole body and lifts it off the ground. She wants to learn how to say goodbye in that song... So do I... However, it is not possible to say goodbye to everything...

One last thing is about the "Life is full of surprises" saying. Yes, life does keep bringing out new surprises for me. Some I even never thought about. And like most of'em, the last one will hurt a little in the end. So, I am all prepared for it... For not to lose my fortitude against new ones on the way...

Change

Last night I was told that my cousin had a baby. I reached out to the phone and called her immediately. As I congratulate her and say how happy I was, I just felt an infinite moment of joy and excitement. That was my one year old younger cousin I was congratulating on a new born baby. Then I remembered last month when my other cousin (one month old elder than me) getting married. Then I realized how my life is on a whirling wind of change. I was just stepping on to the beginning of it. Sometime later I would be to congratulate more people at my age on weddings, births, anniversaries... And someday it would be me to be congratulated... Life is changing continuously and it is impossible to cast yourself aside.

Grow Up

Below is a "in-five-minutes" kinda writing. I just want it to be in Turkish, so, I did not translate it. It would not mean that much (at least to me) if I had written in English anyway.

"Bir gün 'çok' büyüyeceğim ben. Kocaman olacağım... Tamam boyum posum değişmeyecek biliyorum; ama, yüreğim büyüyecek daha fazla... Daha fazla hüznü, daha fazla acıyı, daha fazla mutluluğu kaldırabilecek... Pes etmemeyi, şikayetlenmemeyi, kararların arkasında çekinmeden durabilmeyi zorlanmadan başaracağım. O "artık büyüdüğüm" gün olacak bunların hepsi... İşte o zaman hayatı sorgulamayı bırakacağım, yanımda olacak birini aramayacağım... İşte o zaman büyümüş olduğumu anlayacağım. Ama daha küçüğüm, bir gün büyüyeceğim, kocaman olacağım,... Az kaldı..."

Lost

Last night I lost my silver dragon necklace. As I found out the loss I felt incomplete. Eventually, it was just a smal silver ornament, not much of physical value... But it was of great value to me. It was the symbol of the happier times and relief after long lasted sorrow and worries. Worst of all, this was the second silver dragon necklace I had (I'd lost the first one too).

After I lost it, I realized that it is impossible to cling to something forever. You cannot possess anything for eternity. The things you've got leave you when the time comes.

Maybe it is the saddest rule of life, knowing that you will lose everything you possess someday. Yes, we all know it, but it is hard to accept at certain times. So, we all play the little game of “Possessing/Belonging” within ourselves. However, certain events in life, even very trivial ones, keep reminding us that nothing belongs to anyone.

All will be gone forever someday. The brand new clothes, the old-torn books, the precious ornaments, the cars, the houses... Not only the material things, but the feelings, the visions, the memories will also be lost too. The people you love, the people you hate, all the characters in your “story of life” will disappear into darkness.

Yes, it was just a necklace, but it was enough to remind me the bitter truth on losses.

The Decision

Oh I can’t believe how much there was to write about, and how less I cared about writing here. Maybe this is the exact situation for all my feelings inside and not telling people anything.

Sometimes you feel you have enough stress and tension to cope with. But, as if was planned by a sinister enemy, all bad things happen to you just in a second, additional to your stress-at-hand. For a few weeks I feel so much ‘loaded’. These days what concerns me the most is my future career and my “most important – not to be given up” decision on it. I should have seen that coming. My forever longing holdover on career decisions would somehow follow and haunt me. A decision should have been made long ago, for not to be changed at a later time. Now, I am facing with the gloom of making up my mind concentrating on a definite idea.

It is a quite thrilling fact that certain decisions in your life are “never-to-turn-back”. The worst of all, this kinda decisions are the ones that control and change your future and way of living forever.

You sometimes turn back to past and have a closer look at what you’ve been through for all the years. And, this look is often a very detailed one, bringing out a detailed analysis of your past events, decisions and your state of mind. It is surprising (and tragic) when you realize that you never had such a detailed analysis in the past when you were experiencing those events. Then you find out that you never examined your life with an objective perspective. My favourite writer, Amin Maalouf, in one of his books says: “You never have a chance to stare at your life up from the top of a hill.” That briefly explains what I mean. You live and you learn, only long after will you be able to criticize.

I must admit, decisions (sometimes even the trivial ones) have never been easy for me to deal with. For the last several years, I cannot remember myself setting my mind on a specific idea, and sticking firmly to it. So, now I am feeling trapped because of a critical decision, and that is no surprise to me. I must get out of it without much damage. And, I hope not to have much regret upon my final decision.

The Very First Piece of Writing

Most of the time I considered keeping a regular blog spot inessential. 'Cause if you are a "secret-diary-keeper", you already had a place to reflect all your ideas and the events. And that also means you have a tendency to keep those thoughts to yourself. All your uneasiness, your otherwise-seriously-disturbing mental condition, your somehow pathetic ideas are all added to the pages of your diary. This way nobody sees what you have inside, and you satisfy yourself by taking those uncomfortable stuff out of your system. "Writing to remember" is only a "distorted story" to deceive yourself.

And after all those, now I am trying to find what has made me change my mind for keeping a blog. Maybe my close friends having pages of blog filled with amateur-to-pro written articles on life has lead me to keep one. I haven't been keeping my diary up-to-date since I have been busy with work and academic stuff. Besides, I guess, writing stories quenched my inner thirst of expressing myself. I felt that I have to write down what I feel about the things around me more often, and that could be more open-to-public somehow. Thus, I got the idea of publishing my expressions here.

Starting the first line, I thought : "Why not in another language?"... I already am writing in my mother tongue. Here I could write in English, at least give it a modest try, without much arrogance.

Anyway, I decided to update this blog now I started.
The very first page of my blog-book is here, hope I could succeed in keeping it for a long time by adding new pages on and on...

(Perhaps, I should have started with a "Dear Blog" statement at the beginning... That would be much more convenient for this kinda writing. :P )