Happiness

Happiness cannot be reached through success, money, fame or love...
Happiness is just a matter between you and yourself alone.

Of Life and Hell

One of my friends once had a strange but somehow reasonable point of view for hell. She believed that it could be possible that we all are living in hell now... She supposed that living here on earth as a mortal being, and knowing that someday you’re gonna die and lose everything you own forever, is the real hell... That is to say, living a predetermined life that is bound to end in bitterness... Maybe that oughta be the torment for our sins in a past life...

Just imagine what to lose... Losing your family, friends, the people you love, losing all your memories, losing all the things you own, losing all your pleasures, and even losing your breath, the touch of fresh air forever... Losing all about “life”...

Maybe that’s the real “hell”... Who knows?

Just believe...!

Phocaea

Been here in Foça for the last two days...
Foça is surely a splendid place... But it felt empty without you...
It seemed as if you would suddenly appear coming towards me as I wandered in the streets. I wanted to stop by your house and check out the lights. For just a single moment I intended to grab my phone, call you and say "Here I am..."

In the end, not surprisingly, what I realized was that Foça meant you to me. And then, I got mad at you once more, for you have left and gone so far away, etc. etc...

Canım benim, I hope we will be together once again in Phocaea...
I missed you so much.

Caria

I have returned from a trip to Muğla yesterday. It was an official military mission for observation and investigation of the region. But somehow, quite surprisingly, it turned to a 'compact' holiday to the Menteşe Region, with the ancient name "Caria".

It is hard to imagine but I have been to Muğla, Akyaka/Gökova, Köyceğiz, Göcek, Dalyan, Marmaris, Hisarönü, Bozburun, Bodrum, Yalıkavak, Türkbükü and Milas in two days. The most unbelievable of all is that I did that as I was delivering my 'obligatory' military duty. I even had the chance to swim. If someone had told me before that I would do all these "in the army", I would have laughed at him/her with a response of "Stop kidding me!".

Altough it was hotter than hell for the whole trip, and we were travelling with a vehicle without air-conditioning, it was awesome to see all those places in the summer time. I had already seen most of the places before; but, in fact, some of them would be hard for me to go and visit by myself. For example, Bozburun is located in a small cove, surrounded by high mountains and capes. The road to Bozburun is also very winding, so it has a quite unpleasant access. But the nature I have seen there was so amazing that even the worst journey is worth to take to see it.



In addition, it was my first time in Göcek. I was fascinated by the beauty of the view. The marina hosts many luxurious boats, yachts which astonishes you from the very first moment you see them.


It was, once again, the sweetest thing to see the İztuzu Beach in Dalyan. The wonderful view of the combination of the lagoon, the river and the green-blue waters of the Mediterannean always charms me.


One other thing is that I had to chance to swim. Sweating from the extreme heat and the intense road trip, whole day I dreamt of swimming at the end of the day. When we were having dinner by the bright sea under the moon, I was determined enough to get up earliest in the morning and swim. In the early hours of the next morning, quite eagerly I got up, put on my swimming suit and rushed to the sea. It was not the best sea I swum in, but the feeling of the cool water flowing was so marvellous that it meant the world to me at that moment. Later that day, I learnt that the region, Hisarönü, is the location where the waters of the Mediterrannean meet the Aegen Sea; and that made it more special.

The last stop of the trip was Bodrum. Being there by itself was enough for me to be happy for the whole trip. The place I stayed the night was on one of the highest hills of the city. So, it had the amazing view of the whole city with the neighbouring suburbs. The Bodrum Castle, all the coves, the nearby islands (even the Kos), the white-house-covered hills were all in my sight from my balcony. Even wandering in the streets of the city in the night could not satisfy me as that view did.


Considering all the places I been to, all the beauty I witnessed; I believe, we live in
the most beautiful country of all. We'd better be in the know of it...

At The Funeral

I was at one of the martyr funerals we watched in today's evening news. I was a 'green one' in Kocatepe, among all the 'greens', 'whites' and 'indigos' with shiny stars and wreaths on shoulders. There, waiting under the bright sun, I was just a man who is standing still and the other was another man but lying in a wooden casket and will never be standing under the sun again...

Whether you support the ideas or not, in a martyr funeral, every single word cried out loud by the people around penetrates deep into your soul.

When I salute the coffin passing by me, although I try to keep my facial expression straight, my inner sorrow tells me to shout out loud: "Why do all these happen'"... Then a heavy funeral march starts. I look at the eyes of the people around, some beginned to grow tears... As I walk along with the crowd, I try to put some meaning... To my life, to his life, to his death...

What You're Really Worth To Me

"No matter how strong
I'm gonna take you down
With one little stone
I'm gonna break you down
And see what you're worth
What you're really worth to me"

Do we all have the courage to really
see what our beloved ones worth to
us?

(lyrics from Dinner At Eight
by Rufus Wainwright
on the Album Want One)

One Minute Silence For All The Lost Times*

Let’s just keep it quite for one single minute;
For paying a tribute to all the times we missed in our lifetimes...
For all the times we regretted to spend in the blink of an eye, so carelessly...
For all the times we ever wished to come back and live once again...
Let’s just keep our mouths shut, lips sealed for a minute;
For all lost times of our beloved little lives...

*Inspired by the words on “Gocce the Intellectual”s personal OM page.

New

There's no such thing as "beginning a new life". Certainly we all have one life to live, and it goes a long way, somehow straight or winding. But, it is also quite certain that life changes its course and structure in time. This, most of us regard as a "new life". Maybe it gives you peace to begin a new one when the 'ex' one had recently made you feel awful enough.

No new life exists; however life do refreshes itself... Recovers from severe situations, regenerates its path, and builds out a new direction, even destination. thus, the things around you, the conditions, the impressions on your mind, your vision of living change in accordance with this renewal process.

Sometimes you perceive this refreshment at the moment you are living within. But, there are also times when not even a single detail changed is noticed. It is what makes the difference when you understand the twist in your life.

Why do I mention all these? Because in the last few months I have experienced this kind of a change in my own life. I just started a "refreshed" life... This time I do know what really 'change of life' means...

The First Exhibition

My graphical works in ink are being displayed for five days during this week in an exhibition. Yesterday I was at the coctail lounge. I cannot describe how special it felt inside, to complete one piece of work and introduce it to people.

I vividly remember when I got the first large piece of "schoeller" and started from the first stracth. Then the figures appeared one by one: the faces, the bodies; the small leaves on the branches, all boundaries in black bright ink...

One other thing I recall is that, I was quite doubtful on the successful completion of the work. Ink was some material which I was not familiar with; besides it required delicate and careful work and much effort than any other drawing styles. But, in the end, when the three graphical drawings were complete, I was flattered upon seeing the beauty in the work and hearing all the good words from the people around.

Yesterday at the exhibition, I was so proud of myself. I guess only the people that produce, create, design or compose artistically can really understand what I felt deep inside. It is much more than to explain in words of pride, joy or pleasure.

I will not be modest and disdain my work; I regard myself as born gifted. It is so special to be able to create and produce; I am now dying to create more stuff to work on. I hope all my future work will be displayed in many other galleries... Years would pass, and, with a smile on my face, I would then had a vision of that very first date my work was on display...

Impressions of a New World

I am in Doha/Qatar for a couple of days this week. This will be a short writing on observations in a new environment. There is so much to talk about when you've been in a different country with a different culture. But I won't comment on anything about the buildings or the city etc. What I found striking here is that the social status of people. The city is full of people from different cultures. You can see all the colours of the world. The local Qatari people: the Arabs, the expatriates from the different countries: European, American and Turkish etc; and the worker class, Indians, Philippine, Pakistani, Nepali and the Africans. As I have observed and utterly decided, here there exists an unofficial caste system, just like in India. The people here all know what they are and are quite aware of what has given them their social status in this small society.

The Qatari are wearing those long white loose robes, with the untied turban-like fabrics on their heads; rarely seen on the street walking, with their heads up, even when crossing the street, never looking right or left, passing by with an arrogant posture. The Indians, Pakistani and the Philippine are working in the city or at the construction sites at low-class jobs, with salaries even the less-paid person in Turkiye would never be willing to work for. For most of them, their only chance to survival is right here, doing what is said to be done, and not caring about the clothes they wear, the style of their hair, the colour of the new shoes or even life itself. However, most of them seem quite happy with what they have, especially the Philippine. I sensed and observed that as I had a little chit chat with the Philippine maid cleaning my guestroom. She had the silent and timid moves, even lead me to think that she is afraid of me.

I must admit, I do pity for those people here. And it made me see how lucky I am and how much I bother for the little things in my life. Those people do not even have anything to complain about. They live only with their basic physical needs satisfied.

Feeling what racism is really about is easy here, finding out all the unbearable attitudes and differences of people. But I believe that those people were not given any chance to choose where to begin their lives and where to end. Their only gratitude is to keep on living, to survive whatever the circumstances may be…

The Birthday Spirit

This week is the "Traditional Birthday Week of Özgün". Tonight I'll be celebrating it with a gathering with all my close friends in Ankara. I feel a bit excited of course, but I do think that the spirit in me that adored birthdays and celebrations has faded out a little bit. Maybe that must be the "spell of aging". To lose your excitement and enthusiasm on the things you have kept precious in the past. I won't go into the same "the times are changing, we all grow old, blah blah..." cliché, but I have to admit that I am losing some of my belief in special occasions. Perhaps I won't be feeling eager to celebrate the New Year's Day. Let's just wait and see...

Pure Melancholia

I am lost in an intense pure melancholy these days. The sorrow that had been long delayed has just knocked on my door. I did not persist not to open the door and let her in. From the very beginning I knew what would happen, like I had in the past. But, some things are irresistable.

Now, I feel all will be over upon a lonesome cry. A cry from the past to the future. A cry that would wipe away all the gloom and refresh the hope inside...
How ironic it is to realize that a single tear shed is what you need when your eyes are bone dry.

I have been listening to "Jane Birkin - Comment Te Dire Adieu" these few weeks. I guess it takes a little share from my inner sorrow and fills that space with a little peace. The arabesque rythym and melody covers my whole body and lifts it off the ground. She wants to learn how to say goodbye in that song... So do I... However, it is not possible to say goodbye to everything...

One last thing is about the "Life is full of surprises" saying. Yes, life does keep bringing out new surprises for me. Some I even never thought about. And like most of'em, the last one will hurt a little in the end. So, I am all prepared for it... For not to lose my fortitude against new ones on the way...

Change

Last night I was told that my cousin had a baby. I reached out to the phone and called her immediately. As I congratulate her and say how happy I was, I just felt an infinite moment of joy and excitement. That was my one year old younger cousin I was congratulating on a new born baby. Then I remembered last month when my other cousin (one month old elder than me) getting married. Then I realized how my life is on a whirling wind of change. I was just stepping on to the beginning of it. Sometime later I would be to congratulate more people at my age on weddings, births, anniversaries... And someday it would be me to be congratulated... Life is changing continuously and it is impossible to cast yourself aside.

Grow Up

Below is a "in-five-minutes" kinda writing. I just want it to be in Turkish, so, I did not translate it. It would not mean that much (at least to me) if I had written in English anyway.

"Bir gün 'çok' büyüyeceğim ben. Kocaman olacağım... Tamam boyum posum değişmeyecek biliyorum; ama, yüreğim büyüyecek daha fazla... Daha fazla hüznü, daha fazla acıyı, daha fazla mutluluğu kaldırabilecek... Pes etmemeyi, şikayetlenmemeyi, kararların arkasında çekinmeden durabilmeyi zorlanmadan başaracağım. O "artık büyüdüğüm" gün olacak bunların hepsi... İşte o zaman hayatı sorgulamayı bırakacağım, yanımda olacak birini aramayacağım... İşte o zaman büyümüş olduğumu anlayacağım. Ama daha küçüğüm, bir gün büyüyeceğim, kocaman olacağım,... Az kaldı..."

Lost

Last night I lost my silver dragon necklace. As I found out the loss I felt incomplete. Eventually, it was just a smal silver ornament, not much of physical value... But it was of great value to me. It was the symbol of the happier times and relief after long lasted sorrow and worries. Worst of all, this was the second silver dragon necklace I had (I'd lost the first one too).

After I lost it, I realized that it is impossible to cling to something forever. You cannot possess anything for eternity. The things you've got leave you when the time comes.

Maybe it is the saddest rule of life, knowing that you will lose everything you possess someday. Yes, we all know it, but it is hard to accept at certain times. So, we all play the little game of “Possessing/Belonging” within ourselves. However, certain events in life, even very trivial ones, keep reminding us that nothing belongs to anyone.

All will be gone forever someday. The brand new clothes, the old-torn books, the precious ornaments, the cars, the houses... Not only the material things, but the feelings, the visions, the memories will also be lost too. The people you love, the people you hate, all the characters in your “story of life” will disappear into darkness.

Yes, it was just a necklace, but it was enough to remind me the bitter truth on losses.

The Decision

Oh I can’t believe how much there was to write about, and how less I cared about writing here. Maybe this is the exact situation for all my feelings inside and not telling people anything.

Sometimes you feel you have enough stress and tension to cope with. But, as if was planned by a sinister enemy, all bad things happen to you just in a second, additional to your stress-at-hand. For a few weeks I feel so much ‘loaded’. These days what concerns me the most is my future career and my “most important – not to be given up” decision on it. I should have seen that coming. My forever longing holdover on career decisions would somehow follow and haunt me. A decision should have been made long ago, for not to be changed at a later time. Now, I am facing with the gloom of making up my mind concentrating on a definite idea.

It is a quite thrilling fact that certain decisions in your life are “never-to-turn-back”. The worst of all, this kinda decisions are the ones that control and change your future and way of living forever.

You sometimes turn back to past and have a closer look at what you’ve been through for all the years. And, this look is often a very detailed one, bringing out a detailed analysis of your past events, decisions and your state of mind. It is surprising (and tragic) when you realize that you never had such a detailed analysis in the past when you were experiencing those events. Then you find out that you never examined your life with an objective perspective. My favourite writer, Amin Maalouf, in one of his books says: “You never have a chance to stare at your life up from the top of a hill.” That briefly explains what I mean. You live and you learn, only long after will you be able to criticize.

I must admit, decisions (sometimes even the trivial ones) have never been easy for me to deal with. For the last several years, I cannot remember myself setting my mind on a specific idea, and sticking firmly to it. So, now I am feeling trapped because of a critical decision, and that is no surprise to me. I must get out of it without much damage. And, I hope not to have much regret upon my final decision.

The Very First Piece of Writing

Most of the time I considered keeping a regular blog spot inessential. 'Cause if you are a "secret-diary-keeper", you already had a place to reflect all your ideas and the events. And that also means you have a tendency to keep those thoughts to yourself. All your uneasiness, your otherwise-seriously-disturbing mental condition, your somehow pathetic ideas are all added to the pages of your diary. This way nobody sees what you have inside, and you satisfy yourself by taking those uncomfortable stuff out of your system. "Writing to remember" is only a "distorted story" to deceive yourself.

And after all those, now I am trying to find what has made me change my mind for keeping a blog. Maybe my close friends having pages of blog filled with amateur-to-pro written articles on life has lead me to keep one. I haven't been keeping my diary up-to-date since I have been busy with work and academic stuff. Besides, I guess, writing stories quenched my inner thirst of expressing myself. I felt that I have to write down what I feel about the things around me more often, and that could be more open-to-public somehow. Thus, I got the idea of publishing my expressions here.

Starting the first line, I thought : "Why not in another language?"... I already am writing in my mother tongue. Here I could write in English, at least give it a modest try, without much arrogance.

Anyway, I decided to update this blog now I started.
The very first page of my blog-book is here, hope I could succeed in keeping it for a long time by adding new pages on and on...

(Perhaps, I should have started with a "Dear Blog" statement at the beginning... That would be much more convenient for this kinda writing. :P )