Fix You

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

 

When the tears come streaming down your face
'Cause you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
What could it be worse?

 

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you...

Disappointments and Bad Surprises

Disappointments and bad surprises are almost the same concepts.

A surprise happens all of a sudden, it's momentary. So is a disappointment. A disappointment may not seem to happen that quickly. But it actually is. The first moment when you realize your dream is broken, that is the actual moment of disappointment, the rest of the process in being disappointed is just full of after effects.

A surprise catches you unprepared, off-guard. So is a disappointment. Even if you have preparations and alternative scenarios on your mind, when you realize the actual moment of being disappointed you are generally defenseless and vulnerable.

Combining these characteristics of a surprise and adding a touch of "bad" on top, here is your disappointment...

The Make Up Age

The ones who have been close to me recently know that my previous age has contained intense, tough and sad times in it. Maybe it has been a tiresome age for me, but when I look back now, I realize that it has also been very fruitful. My 34th age has been the one in which I learnt a lot, I grew up considerably and I made up with myself and life.

This has been a "make up" age, why?

In this past age I did something for the first time for myself; and that was something I could not do for many years. I put a step forward for art. I started the Painting Analysis Workshop. Instead of thinking that I victimized myself and wasted my talents, I took action this time. I worked with passion, devoutness and enthusiasm; I presented, I shared... As I kept doing these, my passion, devoutness and enthusiasm grew more. I tried not to leave any regrets on wrong choices or wasting talents. The participants of my workshop must have clearly seen the pleasure I got from teaching and sharing my love for art. I made up with the side of me that kept on postponing or hesitating to make a step forward although it knew that I would get so much pleasure out of that.

In this past age I tried to conduct better relations with people. Maybe I could not forget the ones who broke my heart, but I forgave them, I opened new pages for myself and them. I tried to mend the hearts I have broken, they may not forget as well, but I tried to make them forgive me at least. I made up with the disappointments and expectations.

In this past age, I got one step closer to accept myself with my mistakes and imperfections. I learned to love and accept myself as I am. I made up with the last 6-7 years spent during this acceptance process. Time does not matter if you are at the point where you wanted to be eventually.

I have built a fortress of people around me who accept as who I am, with the identity I have. Every single one of them is invaluable to me, they did not leave me alone in tough times. They did not let me succumb to my fears of being left alone, and they showed that they will be with me whoever I am. I made up with my entourage.

Having made peace with my previous age and starting a new one, I now feel strongest than ever. And I will not let anyone or anything to take this strength away from me...

To new ages to live through... Happy birthday...

The Staircase

It's a sorrowful and misty-eyed face at the door, keeps on looking at me as I go down the staircase. I don't see it as I descend, yet I feel the look on my back. When I'm down, I turn back and up there I see it again... The same face, the same look... I pass to the exit, then I keep on crying, this time aloud, but going my way...

Message in a Bottle

Put your message in a bottle and throw it in the ocean.

If you find yourself reading the same message back again, then it's sad...

But if otherwise, who knows what will happen...

Parallel

Parallel World:

A hypothetical self-contained separate reality co-existing with one's own. (definition from Wikipedia)

A set of conditions that provides an alternate reality to one's own life and creates a pleasant feeling, but it is completely different in terms of location, environment and circumstances from reality. (my definition)

The Parallel World saved my life many times I believe. In times of loneliness, boredom, stagnation or depression I found myself in these worlds where I had no need of questioning time, place, reasons or results. I just dove into a vast ocean of pleasure and sensation. It was quite easy and comfortable at these times, although return to real life was a bit painful. But I managed to survive that.

The Parallel World was an escape plan, a shortcut or a simple way to ignore reality. But so as all escape plans it had faults. And these faults lead to a collapse this time...

I guess there is a limit to be in the parallel world. If you get in and out more than you are supposed to, then this alternate reality becomes something familiar, some part of your own reality - not alternative any more. Knowing that there is a place somewhere, touching a heart that beats there, feeling a warmness inside, a soothing emotion... These lead to the collapse eventually, and now I desire to be in the parallel world for good, or the parallel world to be a genuine part of my world.

At this point, it becomes strikingly clear why it is called "parallel". Because it does not truly co-exist with reality (although Wikipedia says so); or it cannot be combined or made real easily.

Left here somewhere in between my reality and a longing for a union with the parallel world... Just clinging to memories and waiting...

Note

A small note from Today's Özgün to the Future Özgün:
"Next time when you come across an opportunity in life, don't give in to your fears and avoid that opportunity. Then you won't be feeling like a bird with a broken wing afterwards."

Black Hole

“If you feel you are in a black hole, don’t give up. Things can get out of a black hole, both on the outside, and possibly come out in another universe.” 

Stephen Hawking

Broken Heart and Broken Dreams

One thing I learnt recently is that it is much harder to restore broken dreams than to mend a broken heart. Your heart is yours, and you are the only person in charge of it, thus it is possible to heal and be able to feel good even after a disappointment or sadness. But, if you had shared dreams and they are broken, it may not be possible to restore them. Because it requires not just your efforts but the other person's too. And you can't control anyone else but yourself...

Running in the Meadows

I feel like running in the meadows sometimes.
Endless meadows, the boundaries are not visible.
Running so fast among the poppies and wildflowers.
So fast, that the meadow becomes a sea of green...
So fast, that I lose my mind and I don't have to think about anything else but the vast greenness I'm in...

Strange Ways of Life

Life has strange ways...

It can hurt you for a long time...

May make you cry for hours during nights and smile during days...

You might think that it will last not long, but it may go on forever...

Life may bring nothing good for you when you are desperately seeking for the tiniest piece of it...

Surprisingly it may then give abundant of that at the time you least expected...

Life can play games with you, deceiving you in certain ways...

Making you think that you can make a decision...

Yet when you believe you could; it becomes much harder when the rules are suddenly changed...

It may bring something new, when it's not the right time, or make you stuck with the old when it is urgent to change...

It may not let you go, neither it lets you make peace...

Life has strange ways...

Of telling you that you absolutely have no control over things...

Life is...

Sometimes life is...

A cat that miaows outside to remind you that the spring is there, to wake up and rejuvenate;

A music box with a coffee mug inside to show you that the past is gone forever when the music ends;

A timid look before leaving that wants to tell you it is time to forgive and forget...

Sometimes life is full of signs...

But is difficult yet...

Times

There are times when you almost have everything but you feel as if you have nothing.

And then there are those other times when you have almost nothing but you feel as if you have the world... I want those times back!

Decisions

The first time you decide something with your conscious and free mind it begins... Life itself. It becomes of all the decisions you made, must make or will make. And from then on it will be the decisions that will chain you up, or set you free.

How can one manage to keep sane with the burden of making the right decisions? Maybe there's no such thing as a right decision. It's all about how you feel after you decide. It's all about being aware of your limitations and embrace the results of the decision made. Only until then happiness and sanity come along...

The Return

It happened.

For the first time in the last couple of years, I returned home happily.

Recalling all those returns when my head was resting on the little window of the plane, looking hopelessly to all the lights and glitter disappearing underneath and sighing... Thinking about what I have been missing and how I have been losing all my days among grey buildings and silent puppets... Regretting every opportunity lost, every risk not taken in hesitation...

For the first time in years, I was relieved to get back home. Not at all fascinated by the lights, nor worried about distancing from the glamorous life...

Not that it is all perfectly planned now, nor I feel much secure or determined. But it's something else, more than I can explain... More of a teenager feeling - that I'm not used to - or of an excitement of heart trembling out of joy.

The touch of a hand, the tenderness of a kiss, the shine on a small teardrop... 
Momentary but soothing...
Hushing and putting me to sleep...

Story

I believe there are some moments in life which make you feel everything's in order. At these moments you don't have to worry about what's gonna happen next, or how things will eventually turn up in the end. It is kind of a relief not to know how "your story" will finish then.

...And that makes you feel positive towards everything that come across your way. The wisest thing to do simply becomes just waiting and letting time pass peacefully.

Then I feel "my story" will go on forever, as if it's never gonna end. All that will happen along the course of it will be so important to remember, or so trivial to care about at the same time. Because all that matters will be the course itself; the course that takes you from one point to another...

Hands Towards Heaven

I left my dream in a hotel room drawer;
I sailed my hope to the sea in a paper boat made of two sheets;
I painted my memories in my own colour to the streets I passed and walls I touched ...
One day, if I find that drawer empty in that hotel room,
If the sea doesn't bring my paper boat back,
Or if the streets and walls are all paintless when I return,
Does it matter?

When my hands are towards heaven,
My forehead on the bar counter,
We are so strong that we can blow off all the roofs,
Ended up in Heaven
Where angels cry
And all is forgiven...

When my hands are up in the air,
Already drunk,
And life is meaningless,
Who cares?...

The night is so beautiful,
You are like the night
And I am a winner again...

Point of Fulcrum

"There comes a time in each life like a point of fulcrum. At that time you must accept yourself. It is not any more what you will become. It is what you are and always will be."

from "The Magus" by John Fowles (1966)

Destiny Is Hard To Predict

"Destiny is hard to predict"...

That was a message displayed on my phone screen. I didn't care much until I really figured it out once thing's got little bit more solid.

The other day I was being defined as either of the following: "my patient", "my friend", "my date" and "my destiny"...

One day you desperately look for a way out through boredom and find a better way for your life to follow. The next day it's much easier to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Shall I call this the effect of destiny?

The Moss

Even though you know that a new era is about to begin, you feel the remains of yesterday still clinging onto you.

It's like walking out of the water from a mossy lake covered in moss sticking to your body. You can't get rid of the moss how hard you try to scrub it out of your body. The sticky touch of the plants, the slicky feeling it creates on your skin, the sensation of the dirtiness.... This makes you want to go back in the water and clean yourself with a deep dive. But, you know it quite well that the lake is not your home. A deep dive would take you further down to a world that would drown you eventually. Nevertheless, you sense that you will dry out in the sun if you go out to earth as well.

So, let the moss cling to you for now. Let the slick touch stay on your skin... For you will never get out that sticky, slicky sensation even if all the moss dries out and falls apart...